The Advice Thread (formerly GSYWTLO)

Discussion in 'Serious Chat' started by Derek, Dec 5, 2009.

  1. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Anya honey, I completely know what you mean. When me and Josh were together, we were an hour apart- not that much, but I could only see him once a week if I was lucky. And I was ridiculously insecure. As you said, when we were together we were the happiest couple but as soon as he left I immediately wondered who he was with, what was he doing etc. Granted, I'm pretty sure Josh was cheating on me for our entire relationship but that's kinda besides the point. Insecurity will be there with a long distance relationship. Also...do you trust him? And I kinda feel like that it's not really his joking around and poking fun that's really getting to you...that's what sets it off, but you seem to be insecure in the relationship so any little thing he does is easily upsetting you when it normally wouldn't. Kinda why I was wondering if you trust him or not.

    But no, you aren't being ridiculous. And it is good that you brought it up to him. Because if you don't, then it will turn into something stupid and messy that's completely blown out of proportion. So yeah :hug:
     
  2. Anya

    Anya Lost LPA Super VIP

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    You pretty much summed it up as well, thank you. See I don't KNOW if I trust him or not. He hasn't done anything to me to make me feel that way, I just think maybe I have trust issues..? Because I had a boyfriend before him that i fell head over heals for, but he would break up with me, get back together with me, break up with me, get back together with me. And it fucking tormented me.. I was a fool though to keep going back, but hey, I'm a sucker. So I think that relationship sort of damaged me a bit causing me to have trust issues now. Now I always feel like I might constantly get dumped. It's a terrible feeling.

    But another thing is, like I mentioned before, girlfriend's from David's past play a role too with why I'm insecure.. I know both of his serious girlfriends he had before me personally. Kelsey, she lives in my town which also made them go through a long distance relationship.. he was with her for two whole years yet he broke up with her because he found another girl named Emily who lived in the same city as him. Because Emily was closer, and he was worn out over being in a long distance relationship he broke up with Kelsey even though they were really happy together. So he was with Emily for a while, he liked her but ended up regretting it and wanting to be with Kelsey again.. she denied him. He became depressed and stayed in a loveless relationship for a year and a half, which also brings me to another scare that I don't want to be Emily either. After Emily and him broke up though, he found me.. and since then things have been great.

    I sent him this message though just now:

    "Hey I'm sure your phone is completely dead by now, but I know you'll be off work soon.. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that I did some thinking. I honestly don't feel this way when you're with me. I have no worries when I see you and when I'm with you, but when you leave or if you're gone for a long time that's when I start to feel insecure. All I need is for you to listen and take my thoughts into consideration.. I'm obviously starting to realize this whole long distance thing is tough, but it doesn't mean I'm not happy to be with you. It's just tough sometimes."
     
  3. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Yeah I won't pretend that I wouldn't be insecure in your situation as well. Just the fact that he left someone he was with for someone closer...that sucks. And I really hope he doesn't end up doing the same thing to you.
    But the only thing you two can do is work out trust issues and whatnot, and for you personally you need to try to be more open to trust. Derek actually counseled me through a lot of my trust issues with Josh and it was quite helpful. I was able to let go of my negative thoughts unless there was a solid reason that I could ask myself, "now, WHY am I upset about this?" and have a decent answer for myself. And me and Josh were able to avoid stupid fights. (But again, Josh isn't the best example because my instincts turned out to be right and he WAS being dishonest and unfaithful and whatnot, but I don't think your boyfriend is. If he wanted someone else, I think he would let you know. Josh is just a compulsive liar and very good at being romantic, dreamy, and persuasive.)
    I do think however, that you need to try not to come on too strong. I would let him be, stop messaging him, and wait for him to come to you. It's not good to always let yourself be the one to initiate conversations and stuff. Especially when things are being a little weird like they are right now. He knows how you feel, let him think or do what he needs to do and he'll talk when he wants to, yknow? I've found that it's good to kinda give yourself the upper-hand in that respect...plus it lets you know that they're thinking about you, too, when they message you first. :)
    Oh and I do get the trusting-getting my heart broken-trusting again-getting my heart broken again routine. That was happening a bit with Josh, too. And it really does fuck someone up, gotta say. That's why I'm actually staying single for once, haha.
    But yeah, I hope this wasn't too discombobulated to follow. Keep us updated :)
     
  4. aki*lp

    aki*lp LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    Okay. No more tears. I'm back on track. Thank you all <3


    ----
    One thing which is on my mind though is, my boyfriend kissed/made out with his best friend before we started going out. Before I went out with him, he told me about this. But I asked him about it recently and he said it never happened, dismissed it and just stated that he probably made it up. But his ex who happens to be one of my good friends told me he's lying and that he told her about it when it happened. And I trust her because he tells her everything. So why would he lie about something like this. Another thing which is bothering me is that this best friend of his has recently shifted to London so they meet often, and she has the tendency to not give a damn and fuck people.

    :/
     
  5. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Well, he didn't originally lie to you about it, and maybe he dismissed it because he just couldn't be arsed with it anymore. He maybe was feeling like, "dammit I told you once, leave me alone." Especially if he feels guilty about it. *shrug* I dunno. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
     
  6. aki*lp

    aki*lp LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    I talked to him about it, and you were right, there was nothing to worry about. :)
     
  7. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Good, I'm glad. :)
    It's good to try to trust unless you have a pretty good reason not to. They tend to get offended if they feel accused of stuff, haha. I know way too well from experience
     
  8. Anya

    Anya Lost LPA Super VIP

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    Thanks. :) I haven't been able to reply to this because I was up in Orlando for a couple days with him for Valentines Day. Things are going well now.. He called me and said he wasn't mad, he told me he was hurt. Because the way I went about it was "blame, blame, blame." and didn't actually get around to telling him what was REALLY wrong til he called me and we talked it out. I realized that I said some things to him that I didn't mean.. I told him I don't think he takes me seriously, how never sits down and actually listens to me, and a couple other things I can't remember.. Like you said before, I'm not sure if it was Arlene or you, I'm too lazy to look back in the thread lmao but I was so insecure and frustrated about not knowing how to explain my insecurities that the smallest things made me mad almost for no reason. So he called me he said he was sad because he didn't realize I was so unhappy and insecure in our relationship, and when I told him what I actually meant straight out and what I was really insecure he understood and didn't feel as sad anymore. He told me "You know if you ever have any worries about our relationship or problems you can come and talk to me. I would prefer you just told me instead of going through all of the mess we just did.. I'm always here for you, and if you ever feel insecure I can be like "Oh, okay." and try and console you and make you feel better. Because I told you in the beginning being in a long distance relationship is hard, I've experienced it for two whole years with someone else and it was very tough. I don't think you realize the lengths I go to to make this relationship work."

    And this weekend I realized all of what he does for me to make it work.. I was in a car accident a few months ago when I was driving up to Orlando to see him. I completely totaled my car, so it's been gone now for a while. That day he came down and drove two hours to see me in the hospital. When they let me go home, he brought me an owl candle as a present to make me feel better at night he applied ice to my back since I had bad whip lash.

    I've been with out a car for months now so he's been doing all the driving. This weekend he drove two hours down here and got here around 1am because he had to work late. We went to bed, and then in the morning on Valentines Day he drove me two hours up to Orlando, he took me to a nice dinner and to a couples Valentines Day comedy club and then to a nice movie. He also got me a nice present, he got me a Kimura wand. It's pretty awesome it's a universal remote that you can use for your tv and it's a wand. So you can wave it around like you're a wizard. :lol: I've been wanting it for a while since I knew my friend got one, and I loveee it. So anyway, we stayed in Orlando til Monday night last night.. we left around 12am so we got back at 2am this morning to my house. He slept for a little bit and he woke up at 6am to go back to Orlando since he had work at 8:30. So he only had four hours of sleep and he has to work a double shift today.

    So needless to say, he does all that for me and that makes me happy. He spends all his money on me really.. I've realized this but I've let my insecurities cloud my judgment really. He makes me so happy, and I love him very much. <3
     
  9. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    I'm glad things worked out well Anya. :) Doubt is bad! You just have to remember all the sweet things he does for you when you start to have doubts/insecurities. :)
     
  10. Harlz

    Harlz More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Me LPA Super Member

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    I don't wanna come off as a stereotypical, hormone addled teenager, but when you've been with a girl for 9 months, and you've known her for 12 years, is it a bad sign if she still isn't keen to "do anything?"

    I just... It's honestly beginning to be really hard for me. And you know, it kinda suggests that she isn't really attracted to me either...

    Opinions...?
     
  11. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Eh, I think that if it's been 9 months...yeah, that's a little weird. Is she really religious/self conscious/afraid of consequences?
    I mean I know that I personally jump into things too quickly but physical stuff is really important to me in a relationship so I dunno. Have you tried talking to her about it?
     
  12. Harlz

    Harlz More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Me LPA Super Member

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    It's not religion, and yeah she's self conscious to a degree, but who isn't? And with the consequences thing, I don't even mean actually having sex, she doesn't even want anything else. She's started saying ok to things, but she doesn't actually want it as such, which she admitted to me last night.
    I talked to her... Same answer as always "just not ready" "I'm just not there yet" "I'm sorry". I don't know, if I pressured her she'd give in, but I'm not gonna do that to her.
     
  13. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Hmm yeah pressuring her would be bad. She would think you're being an obnoxious pushy jerk haha. How often do you see each other? Do you have a pretty solid and healthy relationship? Are there any trust issues? Because her just not being ready seems bizarre to me if you don't have any relationship issues. 9 months is a pretty long relationship to not feel ready to be physical with you.
     
  14. Harlz

    Harlz More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Me LPA Super Member

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    Exactly, and I care about her too much to make her do something she doesn't want to do.
    No trust issues at all, I think we're pretty solid, especially lately it's been better than ever. And we were best friends before we started dating as well, for years.
    I just don't get it. And I'm annoyed with myself because it's really beginning to matter to me...
     
  15. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Maybe you could try to talk to her about it? Ask why she doesn't feel ready without being too pushy about it?
    And I wouldn't feel irritated with yourself that it's getting to you...that would get to me too. I would wonder if there's something about me that they just don't want to touch me etc, and it would really bother me. Plus I think sex is really important in a relationship. I mean, how can you be closer to anyone than by making love?
     
  16. Harlz

    Harlz More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Me LPA Super Member

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    I've asked. She can't answer me properly, all she's said is she just isn't ready, she just doesn't know why, and that she's scared it could change things between us somehow.
    I don't know... I love her but god... Surely by now she feels some sort of desire for me. Yet she says just being with me is enough. I don't know what to do. I can't make her change what she wants.
     
  17. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Hmm yeah that is shitty. I'm sorry :( I'm not really sure what to say. Maybe you could try to tell her how you're feeling without sounding like a horny bastard?
     
  18. Harlz

    Harlz More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Me LPA Super Member

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    Yeah I'm trying to get that across...
    Either way, I can't make her want anything, so I guess I'm stuck anyway...
    But thanks. Glad to hear it's not just me who thinks it's more than a bit odd.
     
  19. Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Yeah that's true. But maybe through letting her know how it's making you feel she can give you a better explanation :)

    Good luck!
     
  20. Harlz

    Harlz More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Me LPA Super Member

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    Thanks, you're a legend :)
     

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