The Advice Thread (formerly GSYWTLO)

Discussion in 'Serious Chat' started by Derek, Dec 5, 2009.

  1. #1
    Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    Okay so I think it it's time for us to put Part 2 to rest. The thread went a long time; logged quite a few views/replies and now it's time to start fresh.

    However; with the new thread there is one thing I'd like to say before I open it up for discussion.

    One of the biggest problems currently existing in the old "GSYWLTO" thread is the fact that there were a lot of people who were treating this thread like a blog, posting nearly daily life updates, that were full of pathetic whining and cringe-worthiness, or even just random thoughts about life and THAT is just not what this thread is about. This thread is not to tell us about your daily life, but instead to seek advice or post what's troubling you.

    So please, vent away..but try to keep the randomness to Random Chat, and the whinyness/emo-ness to yourself. Now:

    LET IT OUT!
     
  2. #2
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    To start it off: I need to let out the fact that I am absolutely happy with Steve and I am so happy with how/where our relationship is going :)
     
  3. #3
    Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    That's great Arlene! :). Glad to hear a happy thought to start this out.
     
  4. #4
    Theazninvasion68

    Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

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    I find it troubling and annoying that I treat my best gal friend better than her boyfriend treats her.

    >:\

    @Arlene: Horray! :D
     
  5. #5
    Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    Have you told her that you feel he isn't good for her?
     
  6. #6
    Theazninvasion68

    Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

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    Um, oops.

    I meant in" I get her more stuff, do more stuff for her than her boyfriend does for her" aka out to dinner, gifts, surprises, hanging out ect.

    He's a good guy and all, he just doesn't know how to be Mr.boyfriend. My friend loves him like crazy.

    I want to tell her that but i don't want to break her heart, and i also know that she'd say yes and put it off. In short: She'd say "yeah..." and then be whatever about it.

    It's troubling to know that if her boyfriend isn't being Mr.boyfriend, and I essentially treat her well, then what the heck is he doing?

    :(
     
  7. #7
    esaul17

    esaul17 antichrist

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    I'll say that if she loves him, he is probably doing something right. Buying dinner, gifts, etc. can be seen as needy and supplicating. Often it leads to guys saying girls like jerks when they just like someone who makes them feel like an equal opposed to putting them on a pedestal. I don't see how he isn't "good for her".

    By all means do nice things for your friend if you want, but don't do it feeling like you are doing his job. She seems to love him and be happy with him from what you said, so he is being "Mr. Boyfriend" just fine.
     
  8. #8
    Gloomy Mushroom

    Gloomy Mushroom Absolute Zero LPA Super VIP

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    Bub is said to put on at least half a pound each week from now on. I'm not looking forward to carrying the extra weight around but again, it's worth it if that means she isn't born prematurely I guess. The lesser of two evils.
     
  9. #9
    Louis

    Louis Message me if you need to talk. We love you all. LPA Team

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    So, I think I might have the longest post to start out the thread. I'm going to be honest, I've got a lot bouncing around in my head. It's gotta go somewhere.

    - - -

    4 months ago, Rachel broke up with me. I don't think I've really discussed the circumstances under which she and I broke up with anyone here, let alone with anyone I know outside of the LP Association. I haven't really had anyone to vent my frustrations too, considering there's no one right now I really know of who is where I am, under similar circumstances.

    For the 6 weeks prior to that, I was in Europe. Rachel and I had been just fine going into my departure, and nothing really happened during those 6 weeks that I'd consider detrimental to our relationship. I did what I could to stay in touch with her, finding computers at the various hotels I stayed at or utilizing whatever wi-fi I could find / pay for to e-mail her or contact her via Facebook. I bought her a few gifts considering I had a great amount of money left over from necessary purchases. I was feeling very confident about our relationship.

    However, prior to my departure, we did agree to discuss where our relationship would go. At that stage in time, she was just about to attend university (she now is at Arizona State University).

    So, upon my return, we hung out each of the three days I had between my return and Band Camp. The first two days were great. I gave her my gifts, we spent a lot of quality time together. I was really happy. However, we agreed to talk on the last night.

    What it really was all along was that, well, she wanted to break up with me and was waiting before school started for me to do so.

    That night was perhaps one of the most miserable nights I ever had. Although the relationship wasn't terminated in such a way as was negative or bad, it wasn't what I wanted. The conversation was almost a microcosm of what I feel our relationship was at times, which I guess is why part of me is so bitter still.

    Essentially it was that we were hanging out for a while, and then she asked if we could talk and I said yes, and then I asked her, "So what do you think we should do?" As I expected, she asked me the same question, which makes sense in retrospect considering that she wanted to hear what I thought first. I guess part of what upset her so much that night was my response.

    My response was that I felt optimistic about our relationship and that I felt we could continue. She was only going to ASU, and I would still be at Corona, and the two are only, what, 9-10 miles apart? Given she'd be staying at the dorms, I didn't think our relationship would be unmanageable. I told her that considering what we'd been through together as a couple, I felt we could continue and evaluate our relationship at certain points during her time in college and see if we needed to change anything then.

    She felt otherwise.

    Her explanation was simply that she thought it'd be unfair to both of us to keep going, to hold me back from high school events like dances, and so on. Perhaps, I could probably say that maybe there was truth in her statements.

    But I guess, she sugar-coated everything. I think she was done with me. No matter how she puts it, I don't believe anyone would just end a relationship without feeling it had to end. She didn't like something about it. Knowing her, I know she would have been fine with continuing if she still felt confident about it. But obviously, she was not, and she never explained why or how.

    So, considering the nature of the contrast of our opinions, it had to go her way and our relationship was done.

    The following weeks were very troubling. There were times when I ignored her, and she understood that, because I was grieving. Eventually, she complained because she "wanted to talk to her friend." So I made an effort to talk to her more, although it was against what my heart wanted. I still loved her, I still wanted to be her friend, but I hated her for what she did to me. It hurt.

    It's tradition for marching band alumni to visit on Homecoming, but the night she did was awkward and I tried avoiding her a lot of the time. My feelings were rushing back to me, and I guess, I just didn't want to confront that. However, we did manage to talk once that evening, but apparently afterward she was really upset. I called her and messaged her, apologizing for my action, trying to explain that I felt too upset to talk to her.

    That following Monday, she said that we should stop being friends for a while, considering that things weren't going to work the way they were. Reluctantly, bitterly, and sadly I agreed. I didn't really have much of a choice, again.

    So we didn't talk for about a month, and over the course of that month I started missing her horrendously. I was beginning to forget about my feelings and really just started missing the friendship we had. After that month, I sent her a long e-mail explaining myself and asking for us to find our reconciliation. She agreed, and we began talking again, and things were going well, for a while, at least.

    However, what came with talking to her again was feeling for her what I had felt before. I still loved her as much I tried to deny it.

    But it also didn't help when she would vent to me about how she had feelings for somebody else. That's when I really couldn't handle my emotions. I would cry every single night because there was the end of any sort of chance I had to get her back. I lost the one girl I had, and now with my feelings still there, I had no chance.

    And then there was bitterness, too. She got over me so damn quickly. She was done before I could even start to grieve. I don't think she really realized, or currently understands, how much that hurts.

    However she seemed to know after a while that I still had feelings for her, and like previous situations (like when I had feelings for another girl named Alex 3 years ago), she wasn't happy. Eventually, it got to the point where she said she couldn't handle dealing with her feelings for Mack at ASU and my feelings for her. I tried calling her to reconcile but her roommate eventually got involved, and they both told me to back off and give her her space until she felt she could find a solution.

    That was November 16. We haven't talked since. She's blocked me on all chats, and with all my feelings and confusion, I've done the same, leaving only e-mail or phone for her to call me. So far, nothing has happened.

    And quite honestly, I am more miserable than I have ever been in my entire life. I have never felt so lonely, I have never felt so hated and lost, I've never felt so guilty and ashamed, so confused. And I've never felt so heartbroken and crushed. I hate myself and I hate my life as it is. Just because I couldn't keep her, because I wasn't enough for her. I feel so inadequate.

    As a result, my ambition for just about everything is gone. I've lost interest in a lot of things. I don't really like hanging out with my friends anymore, and they don't really seem to mind me not being around because they all have their own interests anyway. The one person who was under the same circumstances as me got his girl back and they're doing great.

    And so, effectively, I have no one. I have nothing to distract me, nothing to make me feel any better. I want her but I know I can't have her and I also can't even see us being together. I'm stuck. I love her, can't have her, and yet, it's like, I don't want her anymore. I don't want this pain anymore.

    I just feel so worthless and I feel like it's my fault, like I screwed up. I did something, or various things, to make this happen, to have her break up with me, to have her stop talking to me.

    She has so much going for her and all I'd be doing anyway is bringing her down. And yet I need her. But yet I don't want to be a part of her life because all I've done is ruin it. It doesn't even make sense, and everything just contradicts itself. I've just begun to hate everything: my life, my school, living in this house, living in this city.

    I hope I get accepted to an out-of-state college so I can get the fuck out of here and a get a new life. And yet, I still want my chance with Rachel. And yet, I don't have a damn chance. I've failed and it's effectively permanent.

    As it stands, I have nothing. I am completely unhappy. I lost her, and I am never getting her back. I don't know how to get over her, and I don't know if I will.

    I hate this. Every bit of it.

    Help me.
     
  10. #10
    Luke

    Luke Mind Your Manners. LPA Addicted VIP

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    Louis, I'm no expert on the matter, but it's how relationships go sometimes dude. Sometimes one person (or both) simply decide they don't want to be in a relationship anymore - it doesn't mean to say you've done anything wrong.

    This is obviously a critical time in her life because she's started college and for alot of people going to college is wiping the slate clean and moving on to experiencing and trying new things. It doesn't mean to say she hates you and wants to get rid of you, it's simply because she feels she needs to move on which, although painful to you, can't be prevented.

    You'll understand when you go to college and I strongly advise you do go to an out of state college because that will be a huge step towards moving past her. You're gonna meet new people and be in new surroundings and you're gonna completely move past this pain you're feeling. I know you're feeling like crap right now because you really liked her and I know it sucks to end something that you wanted for a long time and seemed to make alot of sense but you will get past it, move on and meet someone who will want to be with you.

    As far as not having anyone to talk to about it you've got this place to vent and to get any advice you need. You can PM me whenever you want aswell. I know this is all so cliche but it really is true - you will move on and the pain you have is only temporary. Just hang in there dude. :)
     
  11. #11
    Andrea

    Andrea best friends. LPA Addicted VIP

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    Not to be mean, but please see Derek's main post above. We are stressing for a change in GSYWTLO. Please follow it. ;)
     
  12. #12
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Louis: Ugh, what a sucky situation. I agree with you that there had to be more to it than "distance" and holding you back. 9-10 miles is not a big deal, at all. My current boyfriend lives 22 miles away and it's really not that big of a deal...my ex boyfriend lived even further away and we managed to make things work. My current boyfriend's ex-girlfriend broke up with him right before going away to school as well...and she was only going 45 minutes away. And I think that was just because she wanted to feel open and free to start a new relationship with someone new at school, which I believe was part of what Rachel was thinking. College is generally a fresh start for people, and she probably wanted to feel completely attachment-free to home, and be open to the new things she was experiencing. Does that make sense? Of course, I think that sucks. If she honestly cared about you and your relationship she would have been able to make it work and wouldn't have felt held back by it.

    I understand the loss you feel...it's hard to lose someone that you truly care about. (I've been able to move past my ex-boyfriend because I feel that he was unfaithful to me so feeling sad over him for too long would be a bad thing, but it still hurt so, so bad. I felt very lost for a while.) But honestly, if you aren't what she wants (which I would not blame yourself for that...I don't think she was trying to move away from you as much as she was trying to move towards something unknown and new) then I would try not to dwell on her too much. Feeling sad about it is fine and natural, but I think you need to get on that path of letting her go, rather than hoping that it will work out between you two. If you're meant to be (I know this sounds ridiculous) then you will be somewhere down the road, but at this point in time, you two being together doesn't seem like that's what's meant to be. So...let her go. If she comes back somewhere later in life, that's great and maybe you guys can have a beautiful, successful relationship but don't dwell on what could have been or what could be. Live your life for now, and cherish the love that you two felt for each other. :hug:
     
  13. #13
    Louis

    Louis Message me if you need to talk. We love you all. LPA Team

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    Arlene and Luke, thank you. I appreciate it.

    However, I do have a question. How am I really supposed to cherish that love? It's not here anymore. At least, for now, I'm stuck with it. All it's done for me is cause me to suffer and I'm not sure how to get past it. All I can think of, looking around, watching other people in good, healthy relationships is see how mine went sour just because I liked her more than she liked me. It bothers me how she managed to shake it off so fast, how I'm never going to get that chance again. Looking back, everything just hurts. I can't appreciate any of it because of how it is now. I feel like it's wrong that I feel this way, but that's how it is right now. I can't enjoy any of it, because now all I think of is how heart-broken I feel.

    And it's just, she won't come back. I know she won't. And I'm not sure if I could manage another relationship with her. I don't want that heartbreak again. And I hate how I can say that and yet not manage to detach myself from her.

    I just need to know where to start, how to start. I've tried closing all channels of communication for now, hoping to evade any sort of reminders. Getting my mind off her is so hard, though. I don't know what to do.
     
  14. #14
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Louis: What I mean by cherishing the love that you had, maybe you're not ready to get to this point just yet, but try to think of the positive things in the relationship that made you so happy and appreciate that time when you felt so happy and don't...regret how things happened. I try to think of things that way with Josh...I was very happy for a while, things went sour, and rather than focusing on the bad things I try to think of those beautiful times with him. I think it'll take you some time to get to that place but you will, hopefully. Just hang in there, hon, and I know that you're in a rut but you will get out of it and you will be happy again soon. <3

    (Derek: Fail on the "GSYWTLO"...you put the L and T mixed up :p)
     
  15. #15
    Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    No Arlene, you fail for pointing out my fail :p. Fixed.
     
  16. #16
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Hey, I've just got your back man :D
     
  17. #17
    Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    Hahaha I know. I rush things a lot and don't realize I've typo-ed till days later. I'm always on the move lol.
     
  18. #18
    SecondCityKids

    SecondCityKids Hey John, What's Your Name Again? LPA Super Member

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    So. Maybe I don't feel as strongly as I thought I did. Don't get me wrong. I love her and all. but maybe not as much as I thought. Victoria, my ex, has come back into my life and I realize that i still love her. She just belittles Reyna in my mind right now. Like I said I do love Reyna and I care about her alot and her and I shared something special, at least for me. But maybe not as much as I care for Victoria. She was my first love. I gave her my heart along time ago and I guess I never got it back completly. Supposedly Victoria still loves me but she just doesn't want to hurt me again. I'm not really sure I believe that.Maybe they are equal. That's probably what it is. Lord knows how Reyna feels about me. Doubt she still loves me,if she ever did, because she is with this other dude now. As if I never happened. It's just crazy and in the middle of being conflicted with Reyna and Victoria I like this girl Viviana, who probably doesn't like me like that. She has always been a good friend to me and recently I have been feeling stuff for her. I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Reyna is long gone so I can't do anything about her. What should I do. Should I try to get Victoria back or should I see if I can turn this thing with Viviana into something? What do you guys think?
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2009
  19. #19
    Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    The thing is, sometimes what you believe to be love might just be simple infatuation. Are you sure you really "love" any of the people you have named above in that post? I say this because I do the same thing on occasion, and confuse strong feelings/attraction for pure unrequited love, when it's really not. It's best to make sure what you have is truly love first before making a decision; because if you break one heart to win another, and then realize you've made a mistake it may too late to fix what has already been broken.

    My suggestion is to not make a move on any of them. Stop; take a breath, and think to yourself "is what I feel really LOVE or am I just confusing my need to be with someone, for true honest feelings?"

    If you answer yes to the last question, then you're not ready to date anybody again just yet.
     
  20. #20
    Jesse

    Jesse Out of the abyss. LPA Über VIP

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    So I've been writing a lot lately. (But a lot has been lost, sadly because my HD was ruined) I guess the reason for it is to give myself an output for venting my frustration. With my getting over one girl, falling for another thing. The "Friends Suck" phase, parents being totally impossible, and a whole lot of other gigantic family slew-pits. Most of the stories suck, I admit, they're basically just rants with characters. But I think I do have some good ideas there, that if I worked on a bit I could make them into something that's not only readable but actually good. Not great, not epic but just simply good. The reason I post here is that I've been thinking about trying to publish some works of mine, maybe submiting them to magazines, (I've done only a little research on that) the thing is, a lot of my work would end up offending about 85% (random guess!) of my family, since there are atheistic themes (all of my family is religious), sexual themes, gore, and violence. Once, my mom found a short story I wrote, this was a few years ago. She asked me who wrote it, and told me that it was garbage and the stuff couldn't be allowed in her home. (this was actually an erotic story, about a woman falling for a murderer)

    Anyway I'm wondering if I could go ahead and try to get some things publish knowing that my family does Not approve. Also I'd like advise from anyone if they knew how to get started on the actually publishing such as tips and such. A weird request but it has really been bugging me.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2009

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