I've never told anybody on LPA about this before...not except some of my closest friends. Many of you probably never knew this happened to me, and even some staff are probably unaware about this. However, to truly help people understand how bullying can affect someone, you need to know what happened to me. This is the closest I ever got to feeling like that kid, and feeling like I had no way out. However, thankfully I had a very loving family and small circle of friends who pulled me through and made me who I am today. I owe everything to them. Written when I was only 15 (pre-LPA and almost 10 years ago):
Damn. I remember being the school target back in Jr. High. That was probably the worst time in my life. That and the abuse I got at home from my siblings. Pretty much fucked my self esteem for good. :/
Wow...never knew you went through anything like that. It's tough. I was bullied quite a bit in elementary school, it really is horrible and those who haven't been through it don't know what it's like. Perhaps the most liberating thing for me was finally growing the balls to defend myself, and that I did. End up breaking some kid's arm in self defense, this is the gods honest truth. Didn't face one day of suspension and it was the most liberating thing ever in school and ever since that much of the bullying stopped and by high school I was fine. Sadly, kids these days don't even have that luxury with this zero tolerance for fighting bullshit where all parties get equal punishment (few days suspension usually) even if some poor kid is acting in self defense. Also, for the Rutgers student who killed himself, anyone criticizing him or needs to remember something. He was a freshman in college. This is his first time in a hard school, his first time away from home for a long period of time. He's in a strange place, starting over making new friends. And some of the freshman courses can be some of the hardest classes you'll take in your first 4 years of college (they're called weed out classes, to force the ones aren't capable to drop out). Even without this whole mess with the video, it is very, very tough and it does drive some people to suicide, or to have a mental breakdown and do crazy things....I've seen it. When I was in college, a student had a breakdown and ended up taking a knife and a bag of powdered sugar into one of the campus buildings and claimed it was anthrax and threatened everybody. We all laughed it off then, especially because they locked down campus and we got the day off, but in all seriousness, the kid was going through some extremely tough times (nevermind the fact that he was from India and was in rural Missouri, halfway around the world from his family, the only people who might be able to give him comfort), and he was probably trying to do suicide by cop (he ended up getting arrested and subsequently sent back home to India to hopefully get the help he needs). When people get stressed out beyond their means like that, they'll do anything to make the stress go away. He was already dealing with the huge amount of stress that being a freshman in college brings, and the video just made it even worse.
Bullying is hard for anyone who is a victim of it, regardless what their age may be. But it's up to you, the victim, to do something about it, tell someone, do something like don't associate yourself with them anymore, or be like me and just move town if you think it's that extreme. I've seen some extreme bullying in my years in high school and I can say now, I can totally see why this student did what he did.
Derek, I didn't know any of that, and honestly I'm very happy you shared it. I've been going through horrible times recently, and I'm hoping I can use your story to help inspire me. I hope I never come across too opinionated here, as sometimes I'm a bit over analytical. I'm kinda a fragile person myself, and am attempting to put back together broken pieces of a life. Your story and courage has inspired me. Thank you for being you, Camaren
Not saying you're wrong, but unfortunately it's not always easy to open up about problems in general, not just bullying. I'm not sure how easy it is for everyone to just up and leave either. If you can do that though then yeah, great.
I don't know why, but this whole tragedy has personally affected me in a really deep way. It's like...despite being straight, and not knowing how it's like to be gay and persecuted for who I want to be with, I just really feel hurt for this kid and the other kids who have taken their lives this month for similar reasons. People just don't understand how much it hurts to be made fun of. They don't understand how alone you can feel when it seems like nobody in the world really cares about you and that everyone finds you worthless, unfuckable, a freak, or stupid. It's a horrible thing to do to a person, and I'm glad my post is opening eyes.
Anderson Cooper has been doing some pretty extensive coverage on both the story and bullying. Watching his show last night brought tears to my eyes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgxNItGmiC4
Not sure, from last I heard his sexuality was kept relatively quiet (the masses always assumed he was gay since he wouldn't talk about it) I've heard random discussions saying he lives with another guy, at the same time, he could be bi-sexual, for all we know. I believe Out magazine issued their "honors" to him of some sort, so it's probably safe to say he isn't heterosexual. I can easily understand his desire to keep the issue away from the spotlight, as its a potential hurt, especially here in the U.S. While I don't see sexuality as a wholesale defining characteristic, just another part of the make up that is the individual (i'm bi, but i'm also an ex-christian) I think its cool to know about a person (if and only if they choose to disclose it) as it helps to understand who they indeed are. Its likely this could have meant more to him then his general audience because of his potential preferences but at the same time he's covering the issue of bullying with great insight. This coming week I believe he's dedicating a large portion of his program to the issue (not just homophobic bullying). this segment is different then the previous URL (i believe this one here was pre-taped and will air this coming week) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm0Numi1PzM
I consider being in an abusive relationship a high form of bullying and decent grounds for me to leave the town. God that brings back some tears. I think I remember telling LPA what Daniel was doing to me....
I wasn't doubting that, I was just saying that one way or another not everyone is going to have the means to do it.
Thank you so much for sharing that story. I myself am going through High School as we speak. It can be tough at times, but I try to stay strong. Like Camaren, I will use this as an inspiration for the future. Ben
I'm not sure if that was directed towards me, but if it was...you're welcome . I can only hope my story helps people stay strong and convinces those who bully to stop and think again before saying words of hate.
Found out sad updates on the story. Tyler posted on a very popular gay message board (which hosts adult content so I will NOT be linking) the following: "so the other night i had a guy over. I had talked to my roommate that afternoon and he had said it would be fine w/him. I checked his twitter today. he tweeted that I was using the room (which is obnoxious enough), AND that he went into somebody else's room and remotely turned on his webcam and saw me making out with a guy. given the angle of the webcam I can be confident that that was all he could have." "I guess what he was doing was...he was in another person's room, with other people... and so I feel like it was 'look at what a fag my roommate is' ... and the fact that the people he was with saw my making out with a guy as the scandal whereas i mean come on...he was SPYING ON ME....do they see nothing wrong with this?" a new updated CNN article: http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/30/new.jersey.student.suicide/index.html?hpt=Sbin (where the following information came from)