Jokes

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.

You know when your addicted to the internet when:

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
7. Your cat has its own homepage.
8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."
9. You have your screen name as your license plate.
10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.
11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.
13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".
15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.
16. You have internet in your bathroom.
17. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.
18. You name your dog DotCom.

 

My dad & I actually called a radio station here locally when I was about 7, because I thought this joke was so hilarious. They played it too!


Q: What do you do if your big toe falls off?
A: Call a big tow truck!!


MWAHAHAHahaahaaaa.... ya...

 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

 

whahahaha, LPStreetFighter666, your jokes are so funny

and i don't know why people from Holland aren't called Holes, but I'm glad that they didn't

(yeah, why are we called dutch anyway?)

 

these are hilarious

 

HI-LA-RI-OUS!

 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

male genital Raise
I, the male genital, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

 

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a bag?
Highlight:One's white, made of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is used for shopping.

 

*head hurts because of thinking*
I seriously don't know.

oh, nevermind, hahahahaha i can see it

 

73 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
31. Ask to see a menu.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49. Use CB lingo where applicable.
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
65. Haggle.
66. Order a one-inch pizza.
67. Order term life insurance.
68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

The 6 o'clock News


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening.
The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is
threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that
bet." The blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had,
indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for
having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she
does not need to pay the $50.

No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand,
I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay!" The blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't
think he'd do it again."

 

You're so full of jokes ... more, more!

 

*head hurts because of thinking*
I seriously don't know.

oh, nevermind, hahahahaha i can see it [/b][/quote]
i dont get it... explain please

street fighter -

 

Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies
Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror
and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a
lie--*poof*--you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and
stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman
in the world."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think
I'm losing weight."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror
and says,

"I think...."--*poof*--

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.


Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

 

There are so many jokes here about blondes ...

 

You watched Bulletproof Monk!!

 

This guy brought his pet monkey to a bar one time, he sat at the counter and ordered a drink, the monkey jumped off his shoulder and onto the counter and ate one of the cherries.

"Sir!" said the bartender "do you know what your monkey just did???"

"no, what did he do?" asked the guy

"he ate one of my cherries!" said The bartender

"oh sorry, he won't do that again" said the guy, So a few minutes later the monkey jumped off the counter and started eating the peanuts.

"your monkey just ate my peanuts!" said the bartender

"oh, I'm sorry, i promise he won't do it again" said the guy,
so the monkey goes over to the pool tabel and eats the cue ball.

"Sir!!! Your monkey ATE my cueball!!!" said the bartender

"Oh, I"m sorry, I'll pay for that" so he pays up and leaves, a few weeks later he comes back in with his monkey, the monkey jumps on the counter and grabs a cherry, shoves it up his ass, takes it out and eats it.

"Did you see what your monkey just did?!?!!?!?!!?!! he shoved a cherry up his ass then ate it!!!"

"Yeah, ever since the cue ball he measures everything first"

 

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?







One's made of plastic and is harmful to children...

The other carries groceries...

 

Please note: This is not meant to be racist.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Highlight: Quatro Sinko

 

Two mosquitos are rideing a motobike. One of them says "STOP!!!"and the other one stops the motobike and askes "What's wrong?",and the answer is...
"I've got a fly in my eye!"

 

lmao