Got Something You Want To Let Out?

I know the other time I talked about this it really wasn't letting something out, but now I really do have to let something out to you guys. It's time to vent about something I've tried not to let bother me for so long, but now as of recentely, cant help being upset about.

(BEWARE..LONG READ!!)

Alright I've been friends with this chick named Ashley for close to maybe 6 or 7 months now. I met her back in October a week before her birthday and we've been talking since then. From the moment she started talking to me I could tell she had some sort of interest in me, because she asked to call me within the first week of talking to me, and was always talking about coming up to see me after knowing me for barely a month.

The month afterwards (in one of the shittiest periods of my life) my suspicions were confirmed after she told me to download a song (Tim McGraw - All We Ever Find) because it makes her think of me. I download it, and am blown away by the power of the song (and I used to not have a thing for Country!) and she goes on to tell me that she does indeed have feelings for me, which made me feel like I was floating on air. It's been a while since a local girl, came to me and said she had feelings for ME first, as usually its the other way around. Still though, I was very hesitant to allow myself to like her because at that time, Brianna still wasn't talking to me and I couldn't trust girls AT ALL when it came to relationships (how ironic Bri wrote me at random a month later, and that she's getting along with me better than Ashley at times -.-).

So I finally start to suspect that maybe I HAVE liked Ashley, and that I wasn't just feeling this way, because I was flattered by the song. I start pleading for her to come up here in December, because I really wanna see if we hit it off well, and I find out its too late. She one day spouts out on her livejournal "I'm in a good mood! So don't ruin it!" and I out of curiousity ask her why she's so happy...she comes right out and tells me she went out on a date.

Well naturally how am I supposed to act? Of course I act bothered by the whole damn thing and her mood quickly changes, into 'oh its not like that'. She calls me up and convinces me that "Ehh, he's a nice guy but I dont really think he's my type" and that she "likes me A LOT" and "doesn't want me to think the wrong thing about her and Jason". I believe this bullshit, and think that hey maybe she really DOES like me, and then over the next few weeks I just get continually slapped in the face. She starts talking about Jason more, writing about him in her LJ and everything, and I come to find by a little investigating..she's actually dating him and everything she said wasn't the 100% truth.

So what the fuck am I supposed to do here? I do the only thing I CAN do and that's sit there idly and act like I'm oblivious to the whole thing. Come January she starts sinking into a depression, and she's not talking as much as she used to. I find out this Jason is apparentely an asshole to her, and its the reason she's been so depressed lately. Shortly thereafter (showing she at least has SOME common sense) she breaks up with him, citing to me that she "didn't wanna keep giving him the wrong impression, about how she felt about him".

So I was thinking "Heyy..maybe she has someone else on the mind" getting really happy and preparing for the best. Well sure enough she had somebody else on the mind, but wouldn't you know it wasnt me? Not even two weeks after she broke up with Jason she starts dating her current boyfriend John..who I hate so much that I'd knock his teeth in if I got to see him in person.

It's a harsh thing to say but I dont know why she keeps kicking a dead horse, thinking this is going to work for much longer. The thing's I hate about this guy are the following:

• He appears, from how she talks about him, to snap randomly when things dont go his way and seemingly raises his voice to her, even when they're not having an arguement. (She cant say this is a lie as she even mocks his voice when she tells me about this).
  
• Very neglecting of Ashley almost to the point she's thought he's getting bored of her. The most common complaint she comes to me with, more than anything, is that he "never pays attention to her".
  
• He's already threatened at least once when they were fighting, that "maybe we just shouldn't be together anymore", showing that he either doesn't care about her enough, or just has no clue about how to handle an argument with the "girl he loves".

So naturally you can see why I'm more then fed up with seeing her be madly in love with this guy. I've observed it from the outside for so long now, and I see that there is no evidence there to support they're compatible with eachother. She said once that they are two completely different people (he's hyperactive and she's way laid back) which begs the question of "why?" so often in my mind. Her friend (oddly John's friend too) for the longest time, used to say I was much better for her and that I didn't treat her like shit, until she started going through this phase where she 'doesn't want to talk to anyone'.

Just two days ago Ashley flips and says an all too familiar quote ("John's a dick") and proceeds to talk about how once again, she thinks he might be getting bored with her. I of course tell the truth to her like always and say "I dont know how any guy could get bored with you, you're an amazing girl", and by the next day she's all good with him again.

It makes me mad because while John wasn't home she went on about how much of a jerk he was (even 2 days before we met) and yet when she finds out he's coming home (same date as we hang out) she spends half the time being giddy that 'her boyfriend's coming home' and whispering to Sabrina about how she's so sexually deprived and thus can't wait to see him. And then she fucking proceeds to ask me 5 minutes later why I'm sitting there with my head down, as if I was deaf and couldn't hear every fucking thing she said.

My friends tell me to not expect anything and just be her friend, seeing movies with her and trying to 'make it happen'. But I cant afford to 'not worry about it'. The way my life is set up, Ashley's my only real option right now (and its not like I mind that, because I care about her for fuck's sake! She isn't an "option" to me.). So to see her keep trying to date some neglectful jerk, when I know I could be the most perfect guy for her ever, just makes me want to cry.

I don't get it, WHY ARENT WE A COUPLE RIGHT NOW. Why if she liked me as much as she said, and if I've never had a real fight with her, has she not asked me out or wanted for me to be her boyfriend?!

How can she love John more then me (even though they've been friends of two years) when I'm clearly there for her more than he is! I call her when she's sad..I leave messages on her cell for her to 'call me back so we can talk about it'. I don't think this John guy does that at all for her.

God I'm just so fed up with it and I wanna snap. It's like she's a quarterback and I'm jumping down at the end of the field for her to see me and she doesn't and gets injured. It's like I don't even exist anymore and I'm tired of waiting.

I dont care how much I love her, two more months of this and I might just quit. It's unhealthy to get torn up like this about someone I'm sure doesn't even care.