Got Something You Want To Let Out?

Yeah thats right, but still.. I dont like to hurt peoples feeling, specially when they're in love with me

 

Mmmhm, I know.
Ofcourse it was wrong what you did, but what happened, happened.
You need to deal with it, then.

 

Girlfriend and I broke up.
Or not.
It's weird.
She said she doesn't know if she wants to go back out with me, but she calls me and tells me she loves me and asks me to come over to her hosue and stuff, and still gets insanely mad when I talk to a specific girl that she doesn't like.
Even though I don't talk to her, she talks to me, I never answer anymroe but still.
All this was over Me lying to stop another fight, and then I told her it was a joke and she pretended to get mad, and then I really got mad.
And that's how it started.
I feel like shit, I'm so ignorant to her.
Like, when we get in fights, I say some of the most ignorant shit to her, that I never ever would've said when we first started going out.

 

Can't you stop yourself from saying those ignorant things in fights?

And if she really means something to you, I'd go up to her and say sorry and that you feel like shit...but then again, it's just me who is saying this o.o

 

Marj is smart.

 

I wish i was dead

 

I actually did and she's cool with it now I guess.
It's not that I can't stop myself, but it's weird, I can but I say it anyway.
Actually, I think I know why, because we always get in fights on MSN and it's so hard to tell sarcasm and when someone is joking on msn.
And by the time we're in the fight, she doesn't want to talk to me on the phone to make it better.
I must have called her 30 times and everytimne she hung right up, until finally she said "what the F*CK do you want?"
And we're good now.

 

I miss them already.

 

Ok, I'm sorry if I seem like whining, because I know lots of you people have bigger problems and I think your really brave to still be able to pull yourselves together, all of you, but I just have to let this all out because I dont want this to continue this any more.
I'm sick and tired of being underappreciated. No matter what I do, my teachers are never happy. I'm getting the highest marks in English, French, Science and Social Science and I'm getting 83% in Maths, so I'm doing ok in studies. Highest in ninth class in my school, infact. I do all my work in time. I submit all my notebooks in time. I dont forget stuff generally, even though I may be a tad disorganized/untidy. So, I can safetly say my school work's ok- good, infact. So therefore, I take part in inter-school competitions. And help out in school competitions. Why shouldn't I? I like arts, computers, speaking. So I take part in them. I win, a few times. So the teachers pile more work on me- make a website, write a speach, do a painting. Then on top of that there's homework. We have a 0 period in our school, meant for clearing doubts/finishing homework/ studying/ blanking out before a tough day at school. What do I do in my zero period? Run around from end to end of the school, doing this and that errand, helping out, lots of stuff. So I have to finish ALL my studying, homework, whatever at home. I have to learn everything myself at home. The only praise I got this month was today, after 14 fucking days of hard work. My Sst teacher? OK, she's pyscho. Granted. But she's crossed all limits- I spared all my free-time, (I had so much work) in preparing lists, running from 3rd to ground floor and back, and everyday she shouted at me because she thought I was incompetent. I was told I wasn't in the debate by 5 people. I said ok, so I didnt get my material the next day. And I got screamed at by her because I was apparently always, 'on the wrong end of everything.' and I was 'clearly told that I was still in the selections for the debate'
And now, because I skipped a few minutes of maths to show a website I've been working day and night on to my computer teacher, I have to write I will not leave maths class without permission 500 times. And I have to write a 7 minute debate.
I can't get 1 fucking hour to do what I want. I feel guilty if I enjoy myslef and don't do anything productive. I'm writing 2 stories, and I want to try my hand at short story writing. I love painting t-shirts, and I want to paint a Liverpool FC t-shirt (thought of a cool concept for it), and maybe a 30STM or Keane t-shirt aswell. I want to see football, and download and hear more Greenday Albums, and I have 5 unread really good books I want to read. I cant even devote 1 hour to do whatever I like, any of these activities. And now my half-yearly exams are coming up, so I cant do anything else either.
On top of that almost every teacher thinks I'm irresponsible. I anser like hell in French class, someone else hears my answer, repeats it, and gets a 'tres bien!' And I get a , 'Meghna, your being more and more irresponsible/irresponsive each day." The physics teacher is a sweet old dear, the science teachers are the only ones that dont jump on my throat.
I want to win the best student award this year- I've being working for it since 6th grade! But no, I'm a stupid, untidy, disorganized, indisciplined, non-hardowking, shirking brat, aren't I?


Well, I'm talking a lot to him now, and it feels good. He's the only one that can make me feel good in school, even though he's an arch rival, and not a friend at all. But he's nice.

 

that's good.


branden..what, where did that came from?

 

Woah. I understand completely except my problem is the opposite. As in I don't try hard cause I am a lazy ass, but this year I hope to change.
But this sucks they should speak to you properly about the school work and why they think you are disorganised instead of just piling you up with their shit.
So who is this arch rival guy? It is good you have some one to talk to about your problems at school .








Pooky is smart.

 

Oh, I am disorganised. I get work done, but I am disirganized. Thanks a lot Aisha. Thank you for reading it, and yeah, just hope to get through it anywho and not care about it.My parents are really, really helpful: I'm so greatful for it.

Well, it was this long thing, he liked me, then he didnt, I didn't like him, now I do, I don't know what he thinks, and all this while we're fiercly competitive in marks and stuff. He's very class-clowny, very funny. I cant really talk to him about my problems, and anyway we never really talked much earlier except immature convos about how 'I got more marks than you nyah nyah nyah stuff', but over the last few days, we're talking a lot. Mostly EPL (he's the only one in the whole class that sees football), and we'r starting to crack a lot of jokes together and stuff. But, bleah, he probably doesnt like me or anything, but its always fun in class.


Communication is tough though. He speaks in hindi all the time, and I am TERRIBLE at hindi, so I reply in english.


nevermind. embarassed myself completly in class by crying a little. were not talking. y;lktj;tjrtjy

 

and that is, why?

 

I hate this. You wanna feel happy for someone yet...I don't know. I just don't think it's right in a way.

 

So, I've just started my second year of college and I already want it to end.

I've been, up to now, quite sucessful in everything I've taken on in my life; I completed my high school studies without failing a single class, keeping above-average grades throughout the five years. I obtained an International Studies diploma and a high school diploma with some kind of "Special Achievement" mention. Moreover, at our "excellence award", I recieved a mention (shared with 2 other students) for best average in English (100%, easy stuff) and a scholarship I didn't even ask for at the college I'm currently attending. Finally, I have a quite interesting scholarship at a private college and I do not have to go through the selection process to get admitted.

I currently work for the most important electronic retail buisness in Canada since nearly a year, entering as a salesperson at 17 years old and still remaining the younger. I've climed through the ranks quite fast and I make a very decent salary for a student. That follows about 3-4 months of phone customer service, meaning I've got over a year of experience in customer service/sales in very competitive enterprises which were/are satisfied by my performance at work. I've turned out some job offers due to the fact I was satisfied by my current job, and I cannot rise through the ranks anymore because of my part-time employee status. So now we've got things straight (fuck fake modesty, let's state the facts) we can deal with this situation.

It seems to me that I don't want any of this anymore. In two college sessions, I've switched between two programs (mechanical engineering and IT) and I'm still not happy with what I'm studying. It all seems to me as unuseful, uninteresting shit. Why for? I've always learned by myself or by watching others doing their stuff, and I know that anyway, whichever studies you go through, whatever your level of education you end up learning everything again because buisnesses have their own way to get the job done. Where I'm at so far is the best example of this - I learn each and every day, in a dynamic context, and I constantly make contacts which could land me a better job some time soon.

But then, living as a salesperson is not a life. Working without a real salary (no customer = no or little salary) in a sector that is recognized for being unstable when it comes to jobs (and sales) is stressful and you can easily get tired of it; seems to me that it's already beginning to be the case. I now have a car, insurances, a credit card and a cell phone bill to pay every month, I must work to pay for this and yet I shouldn't work to much if I'm interested in succeeding at school.

With my previous results at school, it's safe to say people's expectancies for me are high; everyone sees me with a bachelor's degree (at least) in whatever.the.fuck, as long as I have the diploma. I'll admit it, I even see it like 'em. I want to be recognized and hence being able to be a leader, a reference in what I'll do and today, for this, you need this piece of paper we call a diploma. I'm not afraid of learning, I'm not afraid of studying, I'm just afraid of losing my time getting something that might be of no use to me.

And then there's the other side of myself.

The one who likes to be on the frontlines, to be in direct contact with people, to really feel like I help them. The one who wants his job to be thrilling, demanding, rewarding. I'm also thinking about either becoming a firefighter or a military officer, the first choice being the most likely. However, I don't wanna "stall" as a simple firefighter, I want to rise through the ranks to land a job as a chief or, who knows, director of a metro fire dept.? But what happens if I stay as a simple firefighter? I need my job to be mentally challenging too. What happens if I end up at a very calm firehouse? I don't wanna sit on my ass all day. I'd sure love the job - if I'd be sure for it to meet my expectations.

So, see, there's those 2 Anthonys that have conflicting goals and points of view on the outside, but the same values and personality at the core, and they wanna go on the opposite side of each other. But as a whole, all I know is that I've never been as confused about what I've become, what I should do, where I should go. It seems to me as I need new challenges but, hey, I'm only 18. Part of me wants to jump in the adult life without looking back, but part of me says I'm far too unsure about my future to make a good choice. Part of me wants to begin to live (by my own terms) right now, and part of me says I should pursue upper studies for my own good. Then, at the same time, I want a new job but I feel like I'm maybe asking for too much because I already have an exceptionnal job by "student" standards...

And then, the most important question : should I relax and let time guide me in my decisions or hurry the hell up and take care of buisness? So many conflicting questions, but yet when you put everything together, that's my life plan I'm playing out here.

 

Since becoming single in early March, there have been exactly 3 men who have expressed any interest in me at all.

One is in prison--for details, ask me about my hobbies. He shares a particularly unique one and got nailed. Poor guy.

One did it to make his girlfriend jealous. Worked well enough, so good for him I guess.

The last one is ten years older than me. He's thirty to my twenty. Things were going well, really well in fact, until he met my parents. Since then I've been forbidden to see him. And that was two months ago, there's no one since who took a second glance at me.

All my friends are coupling up. Some of them are engaged or even married. And here I am, hopelessly single as usual, because I'm just androgynous Kate. Too tall and awkward to be considered feminine, too strange to be one of the guys.

I know it's shallow and meaningless but I want someone to think of me as more than a friend. I want to be pretty for once, I want the pressure to stop. I hate being the odd wheel. I hate it when my girlfriends whine about not seeing their boyfriends--at least they know SOMEONE wants them. I hate being told that it's my fault I'm single, that if I just made myself a little different everything would be better.

I hate it when they have "couple nights" and I'm left out. I hate it when they all pair up when we're together, cuddling, kissing, and calling each other by pet names.

I'm so fucking bitter. And I'm crying as I write this because I don't see how things will change.

I hate being the ugly one.

 

Kate, it'll be ok. People have like you, right? Even if it didnt work out, atleast 2 guys this year have thought about you as more than a friend> And you are pretty. I think so (yes, I've seen your pics on PYPP2).

 

The teacher I really like heard last monday she has breastcancer...and there is this one spot on her back which is negative.

And I don't know how this will end, because in 2 weeks, I am having my finals.

 

OKAY THIS IS SERIOUS:













I MAY GET TO MEET ANGELINA JOLIE!!!!!!!