Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

Living out in the middle of nowhere sucks.I'm glad Im moving back in town soon!

 

I can teach you, for a small fee.

 

Fuck this world fuck these anti-psychotics fuck em i say i don't want to live but why don't they respect my wish to just die??!!

 

It hurts when someone tells you they aren't looking for a relationship, then end up with someone else. I understand, but it is really painful.

 

That happened to me a few years ago. It's annoying and painful. It's like, okay, so basically you just don't want a relationship with ME. Just be honest. Im sorry.

Derek: Hmmm, I'm gunna have to say that you'll just have to wait it out and see what happens. You can always talk to meeee if you want to.

 

I know the feeling.

It's even worse when the guy she ends up hooking up with is a complete piece of trash that should either be dead or in jail. I've felt that, it hurts even more. I have a friend that helped me out through a rough patch and we developed feelings out of it and tried it out, but she only saw us as "friends", now she keeps going back to this redneck trailer park piece of shit nazi hick that has treated her like shit. And the kicker here now is that she's pregnant and he's in jail.

I know the feeling all to well.

 

I am not saying she is bad or anything, I wish her the best as I kind of deserve this and shot down her offer of a relationship before.

It is mainly just the fact that, even if you know you deserve to suffer, it doesn't change the fact that you are suffering. No matter how justified, pain is pain.


I hope this goes well for you though Derek. Remember, if you never ask her, the the chances of it happening are really minimal. What do you have to lose, right?

 

I decided relationships suck.

 

So I guess when all the odds are against you love just isn't enough. Or maybe trying to make a relationship work when the other person doesn't want it. I don't know. I gave him everything I had. Loved with all that I could. Forgave when everyone else thought I was crazy. Then turns out I'm annoying and stupid because I want to talk more than 5 minutes a day, when I don't see him for weeks at a time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I can blame the distance. But I love him. I guess letting go is something I'll have to learn to do. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time.

 

I feel gutted and yet I'm laughing about it. Meh.

 

Love is a very strange thing, ya' know.

Learning to let go is pretty tough, I hope it isn't a tough one for you.

 

Listen to what I'm going to tell you, because you need it.

There is NOTHING wrong with you. If he doesn't want you for you, let him go. All he's doing is managing to kill your self esteem and make you think that you aren't good enough because apparently he's looking for something else. If he's not okay with taking you for you, kick him to the curb. You need to stop torturing yourself. I know letting go is really hard, especially since you love him, but there's no use in hanging onto something that's only a one way road. I know it sounds kind of cold, but you obviously have so much love to give and you need to find someone that will share that with you, and will make you happy.

 

Turning 19 was like a wakeup call for me, a message saying play days are over and it's time be more responsible and take things more seriously.

 

We've come this far, so I guess I need to just push through this, and get the truth.

I can't imagine me without him. I don't want to bring anything up, but...I'll go crazy if I don't. I love him too much to lose him.

 

What's up, hon?

 

Stupid shit...

I got this stupid idea to snoop through Josh's email because I know his passwords for things, and it was nothing major, but I found emails for the most part of the last year, that were between him and this girl. He goes up to Syracuse once a month-ish, or less, to see his childhood friend and his mother, which is fine. But he failed to tell me that he was going up there to also see some girl that I don't know, who obviously has some interest in him, and she obviously doesn't know about me. Yes, ME, the girlfriend of the better part of TWO freakin' years. Now, there weren't any I love you's or anything, but there were a few I miss you's and he was talking the same way he did to me when he was woo'ing me.

It's nothing serious serious, seeing as shes like 5 hours away, but it doesn't matter. I'm afraid to bring it up partially because then he'll know I was snooping which meant that I didn't trust him and I was looking for something bad (which I think I subconsciously was). Although lying is worse than invading privacy.

I think I'm going to wait to bring it up til he has plans to go up there again. And then go at him.

edit: Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that he loves me, because I know that he does. I kinda feel like he's doing something that he knows is wrong just...because. Because I know that he knows its wrong and he felt guilty by something he said in an email.

 

Oh, man, that's not good. You're in a sticky situation.

That happened with me once, with my first girlfriend. We were hanging out, and she'd checked her MySpace on my computer, but didn't close the window. The screensaver came on, so we forgot about it. Since we both had the same profile picture, I thought it was my MySpace (for some reason), and I saw I had a new message, so I clicked on it, and it was from this kid I went to school with talking about how they had to set up another date some time. I was fucking LIVID. Naturally, I brought it up right away, because that's ridiculous, but she didn't seem to care that I didn't realize it was her MySpace or ANYTHING. She didn't deny the date or anything, but made me feel like absolute shit for reading her messages. It was a one-way street if there ever was one. She got on me for not trusting her and invading her privacy, when it couldn't be more apparent that it was a GOOD thing I did.

I know this sounds lame, but you should bring it up as soon as you can, and preferably in person. Tell him you were signing onto his email to leave him a little note or something like that, hidden in a place for him to find, and one of the emails caught your eye, so you read it, and now you've got questions.

Like you said, it's probably nothing, but you should definitely find out what's going on.

 

Thanks Will. I know I need to bring it up, I'm just so afraid of losing him. But to be honest, I don't think I will, I just hate fighting. We've gone through similar stuff in the past, and we stayed together, because he still wanted me, even if a small part of him still wanted his high school life. He couldn't let go of me. And if I were just a toy to him, he wouldn't care. Ugh, this is so stupid.

But yeah, I'm definitely going to wait until we're together to talk about it in person, and I'll try the "leaving the note for him" thing...although I'm afraid he won't buy that. We'll see. *headdesk*

EDIT: I found her on facebook. Would it be a really bad idea to send her a message?