Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

John and Arlene, thank you very much... I think i'm gonna buy something small and meaningful for him! Hope he's gonna like it...

 

No problem

 

Best thing? Make something.


It's always the best.

 

My Dad was sent to the ER today. They say that he might have had a minor stroke.. but so far that's just an assumption. They took him in for an MRI but the results aren't in yet. I just hope the results come in soon.

It's been a long day, and I've only had two hours sleep. *sigh*

I have to go take a nap.

 

Aww darling <3

 

Oh, Anya.. My best wishes go out to you and your family. Hope it's nothing serious, and that the 'minor stroke' thing is just an assumption, and not a fact.

Louis: I don't know what to say. Arlene put it pretty well. .

 

Aww baby, I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope he'll be alright! Go take lots of rest. <3

 

I'm sorry to hear that. =(

I hope he's okay and makes a speedy recovery.

 

I hope he recovers soon from whatever it might be.

 

My thoughts are with you Anya. I hope he's okay. <3

 

Thank you everyone for your kind words, I really appreciate it. <3 They ruled out the idea of him having a stroke though, so that's good. They THOUGHT they saw some bleeding at the top of his brain, but when they took the cat scan they realized they were wrong.. they now believe that he might have had just a very severe migraine or muscle spasm in the back of his neck, since that's where the source of his pain was coming from. They saw no brain tumors either.

He's staying the night in the hospital tonight though.. I'm home getting him a fresh set of clothes and food right now, since he can't have any of the food they have there since he's lactose intolerent (sp?), hypoglycemic, allergic to gluten, soy, and all that other crap.. but for now he should be fine. They're going to give a cat scan on his neck tomorrow to see if anything is there.

He's just resting, but he's talking like normal so that's good.

Anyway, byes. <3 I'll be back later possibly.

 

Thank God for that then

 

INDEED

 

Yeah I know.

Huge sigh of relief, seriously.

I'm at the hospital right now though, and they have wireless internet thank god. No news right now, so I guess I'll just be waiting a while.

 

Keep us updated dear <3

 

I shall. <3

I'll have more news tomorrow though.. I'm at home now though and he's asleep at the hospital. I feel bad leaving him all alone there though. =/

 

Things are so fucked up right now. The trip to Ireland wasn’t one that I want to remember which is really fucked up for me because it’s where I had my 18th birthday.

I went to there and I told her how I felt but I was a complete prick about it. I told the lads not to try and get with Jen during the week because I don’t think I could handle seeing that right now. Obviously I was being pretty selfish but I’d never really felt this way for someone before and I didn’t wanna take a chance in me getting depressed over something that could easily be avoided. The fact is that I told her how I felt on the worst possible day. She broke up with her boyfriend Sean who cheated on her the same day I told her. I can’t believe what a fucking idiot I was doing that. On one hand I needed to say something because it’s been eating at me for a year now but on the other hand I made her feel a thousand times worse than she was already feeling that day by dropping that bombshell on her. She said she didn’t feel the same (which is what I was expecting to be honest) but she let me down gently.

In the next few days she was around the house a lot and you could feel the awkwardness in the air. I felt the need to apologise to her for saying all that stuff on the day she broke up with her boyfriend but I also wanted her to know that I’m crazy about her and that I only want to see her happy - so I did. I probably shouldn’t have said anything at all that time because she was obviously going through a lot of stuff and just needed her space but I wasn’t thinking straight. By this point I was so worried about the possibility that I ruined our friendship by telling her how I feel that I was regularly disappearing down the road at night to the benches outside the local church to just get away from her and I was freaking out. All the negative aspects of my life that have been going on started to get me feeling so overwhelmingly depressed that I needed someone to talk to about it. I spoke with my friend Zak who had made it clear that he wasn’t going to get with her. I let all my fears, doubts and negativity out to him so much so that at one point I was crying on his shoulder. I felt mentally and physically weak and I was in a completely fucked up state. Nevertheless Zak reassured me that things would be fine and I thanked him for being there for me. He’s always been there for me and he’s someone who I could always count on.

I started to get a grip on myself and by Thursday, which was the day of my birthday, I was starting to feel some positive energy once again. I was 18 and I was looking for an awesome time with my friends and the girl that I love. We had dinner out and she made a cake for me. Things were fine and I was having a really great time. After dinner we went back to the house for a small party. We’d gotten in loads of alcohol etc. and I’d invited a few of my local friends to the party. One of them was a guy called Gene who brought half the village with him. I was getting anxious because I know that she has a tendency to get with people when she’s drunk and she usually regrets it the next morning. Midway through the party all the local lads were all over her which got me panicking.

It was pathetic and selfish of me to be panicking about the whole thing because I can’t control what she wants to do but at the same time I really didn’t wanna face reality so I walked away from my own party to go and chill up at the church again. Zak saw me leave the party again and followed me up there. We talked about the whole thing and he said that she wasn’t likely to get with anyone that night because she wouldn’t have recovered so quickly after breaking up with Sean, especially since all the local guys were good friends with Sean. I should have known that was BS though because it’s happened before but my mind wasn’t functioning well and what Zak said made sense to me but lo and behold when I returned to the party she was there making out with Gene. For a split second we made eye contact and she knew that I was pretty upset about that so she ran over to apologise and said she didn’t want to hurt me especially since it was my birthday etc. and I reiterated once again that I’m crazy about her and that I just wanted her to be happy. We hugged and I didn’t speak to her again that evening. Gene attempted to sleep in her bed that evening when the party finished but my friend Mike’s cousin actually told him to piss off out of the house so he did.

The next evening we went into town and we hit a few pubs before we headed for a club. During the night I got pretty drunk and I was having a good time. However this would all end very abruptly when we got in the minibus back home when I looked over my shoulder to see Zak, the guy who’d been helping me through all of this and whom I confided in a lot of stuff that I haven’t told anyone else, making out with Jen at the back of the bus. I snapped back into being sober instantly and took a few minutes to gather in what I just saw. I turned round to Zak and I said, “You know what Zak, I really cherish our friendship, don’t you?” and he knew instantly that he’d done the worst thing he could have done to me. Jen got into a state and started crying saying that they didn’t mean to hurt me etc. I said to her again that all I wanted was for her to be happy in a slightly raised voice and her response was “Then why are you making me miserable?” On the bus ride back I heard Zak say, “I’ve fucked up so much. I stabbed my friend in the back” to someone. At that point I was just staring into nothing because I was so distraught.

When I got off the bus back home I just walked up the road in tears. My friends Charlie and Adam tried to comfort me but I just couldn’t believe that for the second time in the space of a year two of my best friends have gotten off with the girl that I’m crazy about and to me that’s betrayal. The best man wins saying is really just the person who can screw over your friend the most wins. That night was one of the worst nights of my life. I had a huge argument with Jen as she found out that I’d asked the lads before we came to not get with her and she took that as me just simply manipulating people. Her argument was that she isn’t something to claim and that I couldn’t possibly care about her the amount that I said I did. She then said that she hated the fact that I dropped a bombshell on her the day she split with Sean and that she’d actually liked Zak since she came over to England, which I found incredibly weird considering that they never talk to each other. I told her to emphasise with my situation but she wasn’t gonna listen and stormed off back to the house. I went back inside the house after about 20 minutes of thinking about what it is I was gonna do when I got in. I wasn’t thinking straight though and when I went back to the house I saw Zak sitting by himself and I just completely lost it. I told him that he fucked up our friendship and that he made me lose faith in people completely because he lied to me and made me believe that he’d never do anything like this. He was obviously in a pretty fucked up state as well because he realised that what he did was screwed up. 5 minutes hadn’t gone before I realised I shouldn’t have said anything like that because I didn’t mean it and I didn’t wanna lose him as a friend regardless of what happened so I went back up the road to where he was with Adam and in a complete wreck of a state I just gave him a hug and said sorry and that I didn’t mean what I just said and he said sorry for everything he did.

I didn’t feel like going back into the house that night so I just sat outside by the church with my thoughts. It was quite nice seeing the sunrise and I’d calmed down a hell of a lot when I decided to go back to the house. Later that day I spoke to both Jen and Zak and apologised for my over the top reaction the night before. I also apologised to Jen for being somewhat selfish over the holiday. I told her that I haven’t been myself recently, which is true because so many things have been fucking me about. I told her that I just wanted to move forward as friends. The thing that spoilt the whole conversation is when Zak said after my apology “we’re even”. I nearly lost it again but I kept my cool and just went with it. Even for what? For what I said in the heat of the moment? Fuck that…there’s no comparison with the bullshit I was put through the night before. Either way we all apologised to each other and I sorted out things with Jen and we hugged and everything appeared to be ok.

The next day it was time to go home. Jen came with us on the ride to the airport. It was funny because those two were acting like they’d been a couple for years or something. When we got to the airport they spent about 20 minutes saying goodbye to each other all the while making out etc. You could tell that it wasn’t only me who was disgusted by it. A lot of my friends were shaking their heads in disbelief. Throughout the whole journey back to England I avoided conversation with Zak. I really didn’t want to speak to him over fear that I’d lose it again. We got off at the same coach stop though and took the same bus back home. We talked but we didn’t mention anything that had happened. We were both talking normally but in the back of my head, just as I’m 100% certain in the back of his head, we both knew that this friendship wont be the same until I can summon the power to forgive him. I’m so angry and upset with both him and Jen. Jen lied to me, Zak lied to me. I don’t think I deserved what happened. I was letting my feelings for her get out of hand with made me look like a bit of a prick but nevertheless I didn’t deserve that I don’t think.

I’ve been pretty distraught over the past few days. I’m feeling slightly better today but the last two days I’ve been so over the top depressed it’s unreal. I wish I never told her anything. I wish that I could stop being in love with her. I wish I could stop hating her after what happened. I wish I could stop hating Zak for what he did. I wish I could just get over everything and move on. I don’t know what to do really. I’m gonna have to try my best to get over her now. The sad fact is that I thought she could have been the one no matter how cliché that is. I’ve never felt so low in all my life. I know I’ll get past it but I’ll always remember that my 18th birthday trip was the setting of one of the worst experiences of my life and that for me is the worst feeling in the world. If they never meant to hurt me then they’d break of this sham of a relationship they have now. It’s destined to fail anyway. That’s not me being spiteful; it’s the fact that they’re too different and too far apart. She’s coming over to England on the 27th of August and I don’t know how things are gonna be between us. I hope the awkwardness is lifted and I hope I can continue being friends with her but it’s gonna take time for me to get over her and it’s gonna take time for me to forgive her. I’d like to have her in my life as a friend at least but I’m worried I’ll always be reminded of what happened when I see her. One thing is for sure is that there’s no chance of us ever being together now which sucks like nothing else on earth.

This trip confirmed something to me that I hoped I could find out wasn’t true: Nice guys finish last is the understatement of the century and it’s really not fair.


Sorry for the long post.

 

Luke, I know there's not much I can say to actually help in real terms, but I've been through a similar situation before. I know how shitty it can make you feel, and at times I certainly do agree with your last sentence.

But things do get better, maybe not instantly, but they do. Chin up dude. We're all here for you.

 

Luke, ditto to what Daniel said. .

 

Luke, if you ever come up here I'm buying you a drink. Situations like that aren't nice. Feel better mate.