Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

This is starting to wear me out, and I'm not sure if I can do this anymore. =/

 

My dad says I can use his amp, right? So my mother fucking OVERRIDES what he said, and FUCKING TOLD ME I WASN'T GOING TO DO IT.

WTF? I mean, for one, it's my DAD's amp, not hers. For another, I was going to use headphoens, which she was "fine" with, until she fucking decided that she was going to get pissed off for no reason other than that she hasn't had a chance to bitch at anyone today.

And people wonder why I'm so pissed off sometimes.

 

Seriously, why the fuck is it every single girl I become interested in gets a boyfriend not long after the fact? I loved being single for a long time, but after two years it's really starting to piss me off. I don't want to sound all "boo hoo she doesn't like me", but for fuck's sake this is annoying.

 

I take it back. At 1AM last night, Dad decided to change his mind.

They're now trying to talk me into buying a Suzuki Swift I can't afford.

 

I Hate Memorial weekend when I have to live at a Cottage on the lake till our house is done being built.

Cause the owner of the cottage and his Drunk neighbor buddies come up and Become assholes.

Just disconnecting the Internet at 8 so they can hook the cable line into a SECOND TV that they dont even need, Without giving a crap that we live here And dont wanna deal with their shit, go somewhere else and watch the fucking Game. Plus it wont even reach to that TV.

fuck I hate Dumb Drunk people, so fucking much.

OH AND My brother walks in wearing my good Circa Survive shirt because he thought it looked like a shitty shirt to wear to work where He potentially got Acid on it..I LOVE the thought of other peoples things going on here...

 

Nick, that sucks, especially the whole shirt thing. I've had people take stuff from me and use it because they thought it was worthless before, and I really didn't like it at all, so I know how you feel.

Right now, I've got the most conflicting feelings ever. I'm happy, and content, because I have something I've always wanted, and everything seems to be going right, but I'm also feeling like something's missing. I can't put my finger on what it is, but I just feel like something should be there, and it's not.

On another note, I hate when people on the internet take advantage of the fact that they're not face-to-face with someone to insult them. I don't know the person who was insulted that well either, but this guy who doesn't even know this one girl started ripping into her saying that she was just bitter because she never got attention when she said to stop making it out like some people are sex toys. I totally agreed with her, because it's not right to act that way about anyone, and that's all this guy seems to do. When she pointed it out, he started throwing insults at her, calling her a bitch, and all that, and it really just bugged me.

 

Ughh...I hate it when my crush acts touchy feely with me....because she only does it in a "just-friends" way and I want it to be more than that.

 

My guitar fell out of its stand... Now I've gotta retune it, since I've checked it over for cracks, loose parts, etc., and the only thing I've found is that the strings are loose from where the headstock hit my hand. I'm pissed even though.

 

I had a decent conversation with my best friend last night after basically getting into an argument with him over how often we've been hanging out. I told him I was afraid I was losing my best friend because we never get the chance to just hang out anymore, and he told me if it weren't for the cost of gas, he'd probably come out every day. I ended up apologizing to him for some pretty ridiculous comments I'd made earlier in the night, because I do understand that gas costs a lot of money anymore, and that I was being selfish. So I think we're OK now, at least until the next time we decide to play Wii Sports and he gets another 300 in bowling.

 

I have headache and i have to study for my physics exam....

 

I can't believe this. I've done everything I was told to do, yet things still
managed to get fucked up. I guess I didn't anticipate the people who were guiding me through this to be incompetent ass-clowns. For fucks sake.

I'm going to be so glad when this is over.

 

so apparently there was a fight yesterday after school (that I totally missed because of a soccer game.). So stoopid, seriously. These two girls got into a fight 'cause one of the girls thought that the other girl was trying to steal her boyfriend. GIRL, WAKE UP. No one wants to date your boyfriend. He's so fucking perverted and has a mind worse than Quagmires.

 

This is some fucking bullshit. They fucking fired a teacher at my school just because she wanted to go on maternity leave for one fucking semester. She already got paid way less than the other male teachers and, I suspect, the more conservative female teachers. It already fucking pissed me off that some kids douchebag rich, conservative parents would call and bitch her out for something stupid. She was my favorite fucking teacher, and probably the best teacher in the school. She was one of the best in the school when it came to working with people with learning disabilities (my school is for people with ADD/dysgraphia/dyscalcula, etc) and was getting her Ph. D. in special ed over the summer. But they "couldn't guarantee her the job back in the spring semester" if she just took 5 damn months off.

Douchebag principle already kicked a bunch of people out for drugs like a month before school was out (then he had the drug dogs come in like a week before the last day) and he even ordered someone to have a drug test even though what you do outside of school isn't supposed to be their business (he didn't find any evidence of the guy having it at all, he'd never been caught by the drug dogs. Total pothead, but a smart one) He also almost failed my boyfriend like a week before he graduated (who was already set to be salutatorian) because he didn't finish a bunch of work for health that he wasn't even on the roster for the class, then after he spent two fucking days finishing ALL the work for the book the principle LOST HIS WORK. And then during finals he made everyone come and be at school at 8:00 even though exams don't start until 9:30 because "to many people were coming in late." He could've just done what they're supposed to do and lock out tardies. I hate our principle. Then the fucking headmaster is just a creep and always coming up and getting wayyyy to close to the students.

 

Okay. So i've been with this guy(Korrey) for the past three years of my life. I've only dated one other person in between; my best friend Nick. Korrey and I, hell... I thought we were in love. I still do think we are. But he's cheated on me before. I stuck around. He made me feel like shit all the time, and made me feel as if I could never do anything right. I stuck around some more. And now, he cheated on me over spring break of this year, and he had promised me, on my LIFE, that nothing had gone on while he was spending the night at a girls house with 5 other girls. But no... He lied.. again. *sigh*
But now, we fight a lot. And I apparently complain about a lot and such. All the while however, he's being a hypocrite and is always sounding like a dick when we're talking. Sometimes the way he is sitting or the tone in his voice makes me feel as if he doesn't give a crap about me or the situation. And I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was true. I feel used a lot of the time anyways. We had been messing around, and then he didn't really talk to me the whole rest of the weekend. Sure, he was busy doing other things. But even a text message to just say, "Hi, I love you", would've been nice. But he's too "busy".
Then... today at school and yesterday also, i notice he's got bite marks on his neck from a girl named Shelby. (practically cheated on me with her T_T) And so now I feel used because of the weekend we shared and then I see that and such.
*insert screaming sounds here*

Now on another note.
Awhile ago, maybe a few weeks, I had just started talking more and more with Nick (my best friend) again. I missed him so much. I still miss him so much. It felt great to be talking with him again. I had started feeling as if something in life was missing, but as soon as he said hello for the first time in a long time, the world started shining brightly! Life was gooooood. BUT NO! Korrey had to find out. He flipped a gasket, practically yelled at me, and told me to, once more, choose. NO. Inside I was telling myself that there was no way in hell I was going to be giving Nick up again. Yet there I sat, balling on the floor, asking him to stay and not leave me once again; That I'd do anything for him to stay. (What has he ever done for me?!) Either way, Korrey now rubs in the fact that Nick is my friend, trying to make me feel bad.
Like today, he pissed me off so much I started throwing things and so he held my arms until I calmed down a little. But he was sitting on my bed, and then threw one of my key-chains on to the floor. I asked what was that for? He only said he was sick of looking at the picture.
-Picture was of Nick and I at CedarPoint when we were on a ride. The number of the picture when we went to buy it was 1337 -
Anyways, I thought that was rude for him to throw it on the floor. But he was saying, "Whatever.. I'll pick up your precious picture when I get up to go".. (He never did.. I did)

He just pisses me off SO much! Yet here I am, still saying that I love him and still crying at night because I miss him and the way we used to be. The way we used to hold each other close or say I love you. The way he'd look at me and I KNEW that I was the only one who was on his mind. I know now that's not the way it truly is or ever will be. But nostalgia over takes me at night and I wonder why I'm not dating him anymore.
But I don't know if that's what I want or if its something I could even handle anymore.

On top of everything.. all this stress with him adds onto the stress i've got at home, and the stress from school. It's gotten so bad lately that I've gone back to old habits, and I almost died a week ago today. On the 13th I had ended up cutting myself again, and I wrote "I love you" with the blood on my wall.. Don't ask why.. I don't know why.. But then a week ago today, I took too many pills and woke up 4 hours later vomiting, and could barely breathe. Dad didn't take me to the hospital or anything though. Mom was furious cause he didn't. But she lives in Kalamazoo so she couldn't do anything anyways.
I just didn't know what to do anymore. I still am feeling so lost by all this. I don't know what to do or where to go. I've taken up smoking to relieve stress, and getting high as an escape. I didn't think that's what I was doing until recently when I realized I ran to whatever friend who had the stuff when I wanted to get my mind off of all this.

Plus.... My friend Jacob likes me. Hell, I like him too. He's nice, funny, tall, and he makes me smile. But I just... No. I'm not ready for anything and I don't want to hurt him or lead him on. I just don't know what to say or how to explain that point to him. He's becoming one of my best friends too.
On top of that.. I do still love Nick. I always have. I most likely always will. Not too long ago, I was laying in bed after telling him goodnight through a text, and I realized that I'm still treating him as if we're something a little more then friends. Since then I've been trying to create a line and not cross it for I don't want to mess with his heart. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt myself.
It's just hard though to not act as if something is there because something IS there.
However, a few months ago, I had been pushing him away to please Korrey because I didn't want to lose him. I hadn't talked to Nick in so long. And one day, I decided to say hello and see if friendship was something I still deserved from him. I sure as hell didn't feel like I deserved something more then a boot-to-the-head. But there he was, saying hi back to me. From there, for about a week, we were having GREAT conversations. I loved them. Life was getting so great again.. And then he tells me he's moving the next day. Talk about life showing you something nice and then saying sorry, you can't have it. I cried in my room for almost an hour because I couldn't believe that I let him slip out of my life and then when I tried to get him back he was just gone. I knew it was my fault that he was gone. No one else's. But that didn't stop it from hurting beyond belief.

I just don't know where to go from here. I want to have Korrey as a friend. I want him to know that I DO love him no matter how horrible things get between us. I also want Nick to know that no one will ever fill his place and no one ever will be able to be as good of a friend as he was to me. I hope he realizes that he's nothing short of amazing. But Jacob, he's a great guy. I want him to know that I'm not trying to hurt him or anything. That I just want his friendship, and that's all for the current moment.

Oh my, I just wrote a short story of my problems. I'll stop now...

*insert more screaming here*

 

a person who i thought was my firend stabbed me in the back...he was talking alot of crap about my girlfriend and its pissed me off....why are people like that?...and he actaully has an account here....it "i got a nose"...he is the biggest liar and backstabber alive..dnt trust him fellow lpa memberS!!!

 

i can't wait for august

this wait is killing me

i need to talk to her!!!!! arghhhhhhhh

 

Fuck fuck fuck. I clicked on it. She takes it seriously. Maxime will wonder why she doesn't react.

Motherfuck if he still goes, he's gonna get all objects near my reach on his fucking head.

 

I'm sick of, well...being sick. I came down with a bad cold almost 3 weeks ago (around the 12th), which progressed into a nasty double ear infection. I have a ton of fluid in my middle ear area in both ears, and my hearing is severely impaired as a result. It's pretty fucking annoying being a musician who can't hear. And to top it all off, I was taking amoxicillin for the ear infections, a drug I've been prescribed a million times before, and I had a serious allergic reaction to it: My entire body began itching and swelling up (think of your arms and legs being one big mosquito bite, that's what it was like), and I wound up in the hospital the other day from it. Apparently I'm allergic to penicillin, which I've never had a problem with before, but its one of those things that you can develop an allergy to with seemingly no reason. Had I not gone to the hospital, the reaction could have killed me because my airways would have eventually swelled shut. So now I'm on MORE drugs (5 prescriptions now!), I have a lingering rash from the allergic reaction that still itches, and my ears are still blocked up. The way things have gone for me the last few weeks, I wouldn't be surprised if I started pissing blood tomorrow or something like that.