Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

@Ataka:




Last night, I had a dream about the first girl on whom I'd ever had a crush. The best part is I was perfectly content just sitting there, holding her hand. It was one of the most amazing dreams I've ever had.

 

Thanks LJohnny, Kevin and Will.


But I just dont know what to do.

 

So I like to admit when someone is right. Hey Derek, you were right. You were right, you were right, you were absolutely 100% fucking right. Please pat yourself on the back and even just laugh at me because you evidently see things that I don't see. Julian called me into his office around 4:00pm and told me I didn't place high enough on the cert list. Remember how I said they only take the top 30? I placed #42. I got placed lower on the list because people who applied for my job were overly qualified with all sorts of degrees and experience. He then proceeded to tell me that the State doesn't have to hire anyone on that list. They would put me back to a Kelly Services temp and receive no benefits and whatnot. He said I could either a.) Go back to being a Kelly Temp and regain my 37.5 hours, b.) Apply for another State job and hope someone else can take me on with benefits provided, or c.) Go to college and get degrees. I said to him "How can you sit behind that desk knowing all the work I have done for the Workplace Safety Department, the State classes that I attend, covering for the receptionist every Wednesday and helping out various people in other departments and not fight for me?" He said he has been but "it's just how the State system is". I was red and shaking in anger and I said "I have nothing else to say to you other than four letter words, but I won't stoop as low to say them". I then left. I went back to my office and Kathleen tried to give me a pep talk and all I kept thinking was "Shut your fucking mouth you goddamn bitch. You never fought for me no matter how much I carried this office on my fucking back". I wanted to say that so bad.

I have no idea what my options are anymore. I need benefits and for christ's sake, I would like a fucking vacation. For all that I do, apparently that is too much to ask.

I was supposed to be taking Thursday off so it could equal my 30 hour cut, but fuck it, I'm taking tomorrow off. Julian, Kathleen and whoever else I dealt with for this whole entire application process can suck it and rot in fucking hell.

I fucking hurt my right hand too by punching it on the inside car door in anger. Yay!

 

Yikes, that sounds like hell, hun.

Put some ice on that hand, take a nice bubble bath, and relax. It's obviously not worth it to work there, if they're going to treat you this way.

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, Andrea.

 

for Andrea.

 

God...what the fuck did I ever do to deserve this? I was sitting at the dinner table eating with my mom and I said I felt like a failure, but yet I didn't fail at anything. It's hysterical. I did EVERYTHING that was asked of me AND MORE and this is how I get fucking treated? This is the outcome that I worked so fucking hard for? All of those classes that I have taken so far that have been a huge slap in the face of my intelligence, doing fucking OVERTIME when I should not have been, fucking running that place when Kathleen is not there and just....everything. Nothing. Nothing was ever fucking worth it.

Do I have to suck corporate dick in order to get what I deserve? Motherfucking assholes, cocksuckers, who are just no excuse for human beings. Fucking fuck fuckers!

 

Since 2007 started I've found myself stressed out and hung up on life way way way more than I ever had been previously, and I spent most of the year coming in and out of depression for one reason or another, whether because of certain things happening between me and friends, family problems, or the stress of work and school. I made certain decisions I thought would benefit me and now I'm having a crisis of confidence as to the reasoning behind those decisions... let's just say there weren't really any highs, but there were a lot of rock bottoms and it doesn't seem like ending soon. I just wish I could be indifferent to everything, but I've already been exposed to too much.

Right now I feel like I should just leave sixth form and find a comfort zone in some job that isn't very demanding. It'd definitely give me a quick release, but I know I'd still regret it and feel like I'm not doing myself justice. Likewise, I don't know if I'm cut out to continue my education. It's a real catch 22 situation, and I think there's more to what I'm thinking but I can't really articulate myself right now.

 

Aisha, try to find some kind of release for all that, life's a bitch, but you'll get through it!

Andrea, that completely sucks and sounds like a horrible situation to be in, I hope you can find some way of getting a better job or at least to get rid of feeling like you can't do anything right over there. Sounds like those people don't deserve you at all.

Dean, don't give up, I've been kind of experiencing that too, but like I said before, your smart enough to continue your education, you'll get there.

 

I am seriously getting screwed by disability, and it's come to the point where I can't even fucking support myself anymore.

I had a pair of surgeries for carpal tunnel last month, one on the 3rd and the other on the 28th. I've been out of work since December 2nd. Now, I'm supposed to be getting at least $350 a week from disability, but so far since I've been out I've only gotten a lousy $275. What the fuck? How am I supposed to live off that? Reason why, and this is what they just told me, is their waiting for record from a family doctor that I don't even visit anymore between March 2007 and June 2007. The only time I ever went to the doctor between that time was from my Bronchitis & Tonsilitus - WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH CARPAL TUNNEL?! And of course, they have not received these greatly needed records yet because the doctors office they need these record from have their thumbs in there asses, which is one of the reasons why I don't go there anymore is because THEY SUCK.

I'm in no condition to go back to work and do what I need to do to my job. I'm going to evaluated next month on the 5th to see if I'll be ready. Between now and then I need at least $1500 to pay off my car, my truck, my TV, and a couple of small bills. My mom is helping me as much as she can at the moment, but at the same time she has her own shit to worry about. I told these fuckers the first time I was seen for my current treatment was October 16th, 2007. They have that on record from my current doctor that treated me, yet they need what I was treated for between 3/07 & 6/07? What the fuck?

Fuck these people.

 

I'm so alone it's not even funny anymore.

 

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

 

Aww come on people, a new year, a new start!

Some of you must think I'm foolish and naive, but try to make 2008 a better year for yourself.

 

what marj said.

 

She wrote back and told me everything was okay.

I'm sort of relieved she's not mad at me but I'm also kind of weary about it because everything seemed to fall into place when I broke up with my last girlfriend.

But she told me to call her some time.

I guess we'll find out how things go.

 

She's seriously looking at dumping him. Jesus christ, finally.

 

Thank God for that. Took her long enough to come to her friggin' senses.

 

Yeah, only 8 months .

She says she wants to be single for a bit....we'll see.