Working title: Regret Why do you have to be so sweet I always stay up too late You know we were never meant to meet Im everything I hate And you know it will go on Even if it’s a sad song Here’s to the days we’ll go down in a blaze I cut myself open just for you I’m just a old fool Another life without you Catch me as I drown in the pool let me know if it sucks, and what should i change and junk.
it's nice, you could add more, and as david said once to me, " the rhyming should be a little less forced."
Yer, the rhyming is a little forced, it gives a somewhat robotic feel, distancing the reader from the poem rather than inviting them into it. I also think it coud use a bit more. Hmmmmm, mabye start something fesh, try to let yourself run wild, poems don't need to rhyme at all. Poems are just somewhat rhythmic expressions of what lies in your heart.