Working title: Regret

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by LinkinJunior, Aug 28, 2005.

  1. #1
    LinkinJunior

    LinkinJunior LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    Working title: Regret

    Why do you have to be so sweet
    I always stay up too late
    You know we were never meant to meet
    Im everything I hate

    And you know it will go on
    Even if it’s a sad song
    Here’s to the days
    we’ll go down in a blaze

    I cut myself open just for you
    I’m just a old fool
    Another life without you
    Catch me as I drown in the pool


    let me know if it sucks, and what should i change and junk.
     
  2. #2
    aki*lp

    aki*lp LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    Wow it is really nice.
     
  3. #3
    Arhaz

    Arhaz ...waiting. LPA Super Member

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    it's nice, you could add more, and as david said once to me, " ;) the rhyming should be a little less forced."
     
  4. #4
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Yer, the rhyming is a little forced, it gives a somewhat robotic feel, distancing the reader from the poem rather than inviting them into it. I also think it coud use a bit more. Hmmmmm, mabye start something fesh, try to let yourself run wild, poems don't need to rhyme at all. Poems are just somewhat rhythmic expressions of what lies in your heart. ;)
     
  5. #5
    lp_sk8ergurl

    lp_sk8ergurl Well-Known Member

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    I agree you should add more but it looks good so far.
     

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