Unclean

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by D_A_V_I_D, Jul 21, 2005.

  1. #1
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Ok, here is my new poem, it was written on a weird impulse that i cannot explain, i just wrote what came into my head. So i don't know what people will think of it, it seems very everywhere, i don't know, tell me what you think.

    Unclean (working title)

    We are not free beings,
    We’re prisoners within a jail,
    Outcasts, unclean,
    Like a person with leprosy,
    We are all diseased,
    Though we may not see it,
    We are the dirt of the universe,
    A freak show, come and see

    Cause life is a disease,
    An entrapment for our souls,
    A disease full of corruption,
    A punishment for us all.
    Cause our bodies are prisons,
    Flesh and blood so weak,
    Our minds are welded shut,
    We are hidden from the truth.

    Eternal damnation,
    Kill this body so weak.
    Let the soul escape,
    Let me live in ecstasy.
    Drive my soul from the Earth,
    Break the boundaries of our mind,
    Tell me I broke free this time,
    And that it was not a dream.

    Discard life like a useless skin,
    Rise above the ashes,
    Tear the skin from your face,
    Spit on your fellow man,
    Cause life is a disease,
    And this flesh is so weak,
    Scrub ‘till you hit the bone,
    Only then will you be free.
    (Only then you will be clean)
     
  2. #2
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    Wow. I liked this one. It's really good for an impulse, lol. All my impulsive poems and stuff are really rough and bad. I think the title is pretty good for the poem, actually. Seeing no problem here. I loved this part -see quoted section-. Thanks for posting on my poems, and keep going.
    Cheers.
     
  3. #3
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Thanks torn rose, i'm glad you've given it the thumbs up.

    And not all your impulive poems are rough and bad :wth: much. lol :lol: Thanks again, hope to see something new by you soon.
     
  4. #4
    Arhaz

    Arhaz ...waiting. LPA Super Member

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    Very well written!...(as usual)
    but this...there was something missing yet something more ....
    perhaps the flow wasn't all that satisfying, but the message was crystal clear and noble! ^_^
     
  5. #5
    arT saveS

    arT saveS Y2K

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    I like it David. Nice job bud.
     
  6. #6
    lp_sk8ergurl

    lp_sk8ergurl Well-Known Member

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    Great stuff!
     
  7. #7
    jaymez

    jaymez Member

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    I really this one David. Wherever you went with this, it's awesome!
     
  8. #8
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Yer the posssible result of an impulse poem, usually not clear, doesn't flow or both, lol.

    Anyway, thanks everyone, i'd had the idea for a while, i wrote the first verse and then was stuck. Then i deleted it and went on a wild writing spree. It only took 5 minutes. It was weird to write. thanks everyone who responded.
     
  9. #9
    a life in ashes

    a life in ashes mercury summer

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    for an impulse it's great, well done...
     
  10. #10
    fallenangel

    fallenangel Well-Known Member

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    sometimes an impluse can produce the best poetry (ususaly does with mine!)

    this is good, well writen and a fab concept! looking at the world of humans just now and through out history, i can totally see your point...

    great work david! ;)
     
  11. #11
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Thanks fallen angel and thankyou silent sound. I appriciate everyones comments, good or bad. (though none of you actually gave me bad comments.)

    THANKS EVERYONE
     

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