The Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Random Chat' started by Dr. Faust, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. #21
    androidkaita

    androidkaita Well-Known Member

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    your avatar scares me.
     
  2. #22
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
     
  3. #23
    Luke

    Luke Mind Your Manners. LPA Addicted VIP

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    A poor guy is walking to work when suddenly an angel appears and says ''sir, I see your life is in shambles. I shall grant you 3 wishes, however your wife shall recieve double of anything you wish for.'' The guy then says ''okay, first of all I want £1billion''. He goes to a cashpoint and sees that £1 billion has been put into his acount. Suddenly his mobile phone rings and his wife is on the line, she says with exictement ''"£2billion has just been put into my account!!!''. The guy hangs up and says ''I'm tired of walking, I wish for a brand new ferrari''. He walks round the corner to find a nice shiny ferrari. He checks his pocket and he has the key to the car. He then gets a second phone call from his wife, she says ''two ferrari's just suddenly appeared in the yard and I have the keys to them both!!!'' The guy hangs up and says ''I wish to be beaten half to death''.
    ______________________________________

    Yo momma's so ugly she got arrested for mooning when she smiled.
    ______________________________________

    Why did the women cross the road?

    That's irrelivant, she should be in the house cleaning.

    ______________________________________

    What do you call 100 nuns in one shop?

    Virgin Megastore

    ______________________________________

    2 Nuns are driving in a car late at night when all of a sudden a Vampire jumps onto the bonnet. One of the nuns says ''quick show him your cross!", the other says ''GET OFF OUR FUCKING CAR!!!"

    ______________________________________

    How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

    From a catelogue

    ______________________________________

    A rich man, a poor man and a drunk man are sitting on a bench near a cliff. Suddenly an angel appears before them and says ''If you jump off this cliff and shout out anything you want you will recieve it''. The rich guy jumps off first and says ''women!". He lands in a crowd of hot naked women but he dies because of the impact of the fall, also killing alot of the women. The poor guy jumps off next and says ''money!". He lands in millions of notes and coins however it couldn't break his fall and he dies on impact. The drunk guy is next, he runs up to the cliff but trips over a rock as he jumps and yells ''SHIIIIIIIT!!!!!''. He lands in a pile of shit. He survives.
     
  4. #24
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    Hope I don't get banned for this one:rolleyes::

    How many wives does it take to change a light bulb in the bathroom?

    I don't know about you, but my woman stays exclusively in the laundry room, bedroom, and kitchen.
     
  5. #25
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

    Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

    "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

    Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

    Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

    "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

    Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

    Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

    "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

    Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

    Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

    "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

    Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

    And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
     
  6. #26
    Theazninvasion68

    Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

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    So My friend ( in the passenger seat of a car) and I are in a care. Of course, I am driving and I run past a red light. "Whoa hey wtf?" says my friend. To my reply: " No no, It's alright, i learned from my brother. He taught me how to drive!" So my friend agrees and is all kinda grumbly and worried. I keep driving and run another red light. At this point, My friend is freaking out like madd:" Hey dude!!? Don't you know how to drive?!" I reassured him that my brother had taught me well on how to drive. So he's laying back in the seat alil worried. I keep driving and stomp on the brakes. To my dismay'd friend, He's asking why i stopped at the green light. I told him:" I stopped on a green light because my Brother might be passing by."


    :lol: I love that one
     
  7. #27
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    My friend sent this to me, and I posted it a while ago, but any way....

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
    computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
    (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto
    industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
    industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to
    the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
    stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
    driving cars with the following characteristics:


    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
    new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
    have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
    car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
    reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
    car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
    reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
    five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five
    percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
    replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
    light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
    refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
    the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
    drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
    manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
     
  8. #28
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    Man I almost fell of my chair :D
    Number 7 and 8 are so great^:)
     
  9. #29
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a lake?

    Bob.
     
  10. #30
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

    17. "I finished the Oreos."
    16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
    15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
    14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
    13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
    12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
    11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
    10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
    9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
    8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
    7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
    6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
    5. "Got milk?"
    4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
    3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
    2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

    And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:


    1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
     
  11. #31
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    Note the word 'fatal' :lol:
     
  12. #32
    androidkaita

    androidkaita Well-Known Member

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    lol those are good ones
     
  13. #33
    Harlz

    Harlz More Scared Of You Than You Are Of Me LPA Super Member

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    Thats gold!!! And amazingly true as well.
     
  14. #34
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    From Hot Fuzz

    "You're a doctor, deal with it"

    "Yeah, Motherfucker."
     
  15. #35
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

    "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

    Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

    "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
     
  16. #36
    gozorninplat

    gozorninplat A Person

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    A blonde and a brunette were watching the 9 o'clock news, where a boy was getting ready to jump off a building, and end his life. As they're sitting there the brunette says "I'll bet you $20 that he jumps." The blonde replies and says "I'll bet you $100 that he doesn't!" And the brunette says "You're on!" After watching for another few minutes the boy finally jumps, and so the blonde gives the brunette her $100. The blonde gets up to leave and go home when the brunette says "Wait, I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5 o'clock news." To which the blonde replies "I did too, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
     
  17. #37
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    Although I did saw it coming it still made me laugh, nice one :thumbsup:
     
  18. #38
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bush?

    Russell.
     
  19. #39
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

    At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

    A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

    Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

    About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

    "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"
     

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