The Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Random Chat' started by Dr. Faust, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. #1
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    Write out jokes you know, maybe have a laugh.
    To get the ball rolling:

    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

    Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"




    Why does Michael Jackson like 29 year old boys?

    Because there are 20 of them.



    Post away.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2007
  2. #2
    Rahat

    Rahat Nyeh LPA VIP

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    A couple are setting up their new pc and decide to put in a password for security purposes. The husband is in a very amourous mood at the moment and in order to portray this to his wife he types in PENIS as his password.

    After he types this the wife nearly died laughing, the computer replied
    PASSWORD INVALID, NOT LONG ENOUGH
     
  3. #3
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

    1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.

    2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.

    3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.

    4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.

    5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.

    6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished.

    7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.

    8. One to viciously smear #7.

    9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

    10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
    _________________
     
  4. #4
    Tom

    Tom LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    Is your refrigerator running?










    Then you better go catch it!!!!



    pfffffffffffft.

    >_>
     
  5. #5
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    Here are a few drummer jokes:

    How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They have machines to do that now.

    What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"

    "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
    His mother scoffs and replies...

    "Well, you can't do both."
     
  6. #6
    Dedicated

    Dedicated LPA Addict LPA Addict

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    Here's two jokes I love:

    A man walking along a Californian beach was deep in prayer, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
    The man said, "Please Lord, could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want?" The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic, just think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take plus it will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
    The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife... I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says, "nothing's wrong!" and how I can make her truly happy."
    There was a long silence, and then the Lord replied, "Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

    ---------------

    A beautiful, self-assured blonde has her coach airline ticket checked, gets on the plane, and then plops herself down into a big first class seat.Confused, the Flight Attendant tells her that the coach class seating is in the rear of the plane. The blonde nods and says, "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm going to New York in first class." The Flight Attendant then told the blonde that she had to go to the coach seating because some had already paid for the seat. The blonde simply said, "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm going to New York in first class." The process went on several more times, with different Attendants, but the blonde refused to move from her seat. She just kept saying, "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm going to New York in first class." Frustrated, the Attendant went to the Pilot asking for help. After the situation was explained he quickly said, "say no more I'm married to a blonde, I know exactly what to do." He walked back, smiled at the blonde, leaned over, and quietly whispered something into her ear. The blonde stood up and quickly went to the back of the plane and took her seat. Extremely confused, the Flight Attendant looked at the Pilot and asked, "What on Earth did you say to make her move?" The Pilot responded, "I told her first class wasn't going to New York."
     
  7. #7
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    That first one is well known but the second is really great.

    Yo' mama so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!

    Makes me think of the Ali G in da house movie ^^
     
  8. #8
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    MacDonald's is introducing the biggest burger ever. The two pounder. This is because you will have to pound your heart twice for it to start working again.
     
  9. #9
    Kate

    Kate beat me senseless LPA Super Member

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    My dad and I had brought our dog into the veterinarians' office to be checked out, he'd been breathing funny recently. The vet referred us to the U research clinic, so we took the dog there. While the doctors were checking out my poor puppy, my dad said to one of them, "You know, you can't give him a CAT scan."

    The vet looked up, wide-eyed. "Why not, is there a kind of problem...?"

    My dad blinked, and said, "Of course there's a problem. He's a dog!"

    (True story, by the way.)
     
  10. #10
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    Nice one ;)
     
  11. #11
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Haha, I find this joke to be very funny, however it is racial, but I don't think it's too offensive. If anyone's offended, I'm sorry!!

    *

    WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!
    I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
    to the currency exchange window at the local bank

    Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
    to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

    He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
    for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

    The Asian guy says angrily, "Well, fluc you white people too!"
    :lol:
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2007
  12. #12
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
     
  13. #13
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    I go to an academic school, so most of the people are either Chinese, Korean, or Indian, so when I told this joke to a random group of people, they got pissed at me.
     
  14. #14
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

    The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
     
  15. #15
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

    Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

    The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

    Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
     
  16. #16
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    HAHAHAHA! :lol:!!!`
     
  17. #17
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    Dark Humor, nice ^^
     
  18. #18
    Tom

    Tom LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    A guy walks into a bar.






    That's gotta hurt >_<



    pfffffffft >_>
     
  19. #19
    Dr. Faust

    Dr. Faust "Your Epitaph Will Be A Barcode"

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    I think my avatar is pretty funny...
     
  20. #20
    Gitsnik

    Gitsnik WAAAGH!!! Über Member

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    You're right ;)
     

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