Some things. 1. This poem, doesn't rhyme. (Duh) lol 2. It's strange. 3. That's all The Girl at the Other End of The Corridor (Delphine) Unnerving monotonous rain rasping against hard asphalt. A chambered sigh escaping through cracks of chain locked doors. The click-click clack of fingers tapping smooth marble. The wet grime of squishy mud covered hands. Insects crawling creepily on human flesh. An itch that can't quite be reached. A pack of dogs yapping endlessly into the night. Wind blowing against barn doors, hinges squeaking. Paranoia assembling at the back of a mind. Clocks running backwards, counting down. Chalk piercingly scrapping green boards. Dark rooms with light crept from windows - casting floating shadows on animated walls. Dismal premonitions growing at the tip of consciousness. Knives buried in hearts of loved ones. Faces smiling with knowing grimaces. Eyes sparkling malevolently. Twinkling mist rising above desolate water. Vanishing nightmares extracting screams Eerie melodies belting out through old pianos like theme songs born to assassinate sanity. Moonlight shining over freshly dug graves. Buses zooming down roads and flattening bodies as if tomatoes unfit to consume. A booming jet unexpectedly falling from blue skies setting alight whole neighborhoods Fires spreading through large cities licking greedily with tongues of sizzling flame. Fainting spells while waking up to amnesia unable to grasp even your own name. Stars dying out in the soundless domain of space as black holes swallow entire galaxies without consideration, remorse or empathy. Thunder clouds and lighting striking igniting hair like wicks attached to flesh exhaling the charred scents of sweat and pain as throats sing out high pitched shrieks that rise higher and higher like whistles of steam engines. Eyes closings as beings fall into pitch blackness and descend down subdued abyss's where the only sounds are voices replayed in heads and where the only companion is the infinitesimal loneliness like a transparent and dense fog gaining entrance to foreboding hearts that have no choice but to acknowledge the unknowns of death. And then it's all gone as you gather every piece of me and pull me out from the ashes. Delphine, you're like wine and I want more when in the midst of fear and danger I think of you and I momentarily forget and wish only to feel my lips on yours. When there’s a cool draft we mold our bodies in blissful concert like young lovers with our hands laced together and I whisper in your ear “I love you”
Holy s---, how long did that take you to write? Good job, I can tell a lot of effort was put in to it. I'd love to see something of similar style that rhymes. The imagery in this is great and I love the way it evolves. Keep writing. Much love, Babali
LOOK OUT A NUCLEAR BOMB!!!! D: Okay, before I begin, let me give you my usual disclaimer: I rape poetry. No, I will not sugarcoat my review; I will give you my honest and oftentimes harsh opinion of whatever you write. The reason I do this is because when I write poetry, I don't want to hear how lovely it is; I want to hear what I can do to perfect it as far as possible. And they say, do unto others as you would have them do to you. So I don't hate you, I'm not a dick, nothing like that; I'm just not gonna suck up to your writing abilities, and I hope ultimately to help everyone I review to grow as writers, even if they were better than me to begin with. So let's start with my first reaction: is there a reason that you clicked the "Center alignment" button on Word as soon as you opened the document? Every poem has its own shape and geometry, and I'm not necessarily saying that this one won't work for yours (I need to read it a couple times still, this is my first reading reaction), just that you should think about whether you think the message conveyed is best served by the shape you've chosen. Normally when I review poetry I have to complain about the stock imagery and clichéd phrases, but I've looked really hard and can only count around a handful of lines that I've ever even heard before. You know how to make language sound fresh (even when it isn't ) and that's very powerful. Language is your tool and you know how to wield it well. The narrative itself fascinated me as well. Your last stanza is especially striking; it evokes a passion that's almost unheard of in amateur poetry (actually I just realized that the fact you address Delphine directly in that stanza really contributes to that effect), and I even feel like my writing is boring in comparison. It's simply a delight to read. Well, I guess I didn't have to be as wrathful as I thought I did. I saw the nuclear-bomb format and was expecting to have a lot to criticize, but this is well-done. I've only read it a couple times, so maybe I'll do another post when I've let it soak in a little more. Either way, great job. Please post a reaction so I can know if you want more feedback.
Thank you Babil for your kind words. If you want to know how long it took the write, it wasn't very long. Less than 15 minutes all together I think. I appreciate your comments. TRSNSLYDE: I centered it because it was suppose to be centered really. That's all there is to it. I put it on left alignment and it lost meaning somehow, right alignment ditto. About the imagery, I intended to have some cliches in there, because quite frankly people relate to them. And for me, poems are about trying to make people feel, and relate. Whether they make them cry or smile, or sad or happy. Relations are emotion, and emotion is poetry. And that's all I can say about that part. I'd very much appreciate more feedback. I mean, I'm an aspiring writer, (not really, I HAVE to write, as well I'd go insane otherwise) Thank you for your critiques and your kind comments
Good then. Yeah, reading it now, it absolutely fits as a centered poem. It just bugs me when certain poets (usually those who never received a formal education in creative writing) write something and automatically hit the center alignment button, because "all poems" are supposedly meant to be center-aligned. In any case, I enjoy this poem immensely. I have noticed a few more clichéd phrases since my first reading, but really they're not SO common that I'd really qualify them as cliché. And if so, then I'd say your style of writing has brought new life to them, because this narrative reads very freshly. "Delphine, you're like wine and I want more." That line really speaks to me; this and other lines in the last stanza are what I would point to when I say that it's a very passionate last stanza. You don't use elaborate language such as saying, "I wish to consume you" or anything so lofty as that. In fact, the simplicity of it, "I want more," is so very animalistic, so primal, and that's what makes it sound so passionate: the letting go of civil language, letting instinct take over. On the other hand, I have noticed a couple of smaller issues, such as some grammatical errors. There are words where you should use an apostrophe-s and you don't, and vice versa. That's a really simple thing to correct however, and I'd recommend just going through the text, picking them out, and correcting them with the necessary addition or deletion.
Well I edited it a little bit, which you'll have to check the first post to notice. I added puncuation to lines and so forth and what not so that people would easier tell when one thought began/ended. And here is a slightly alternate version, not an edited version. ----------------------------- Unnerving monotonous rain rasping against hard asphalt. A chambered sigh escaping through cracks of chain locked doors. The click-click clack of fingers tapping smooth marble. The wet grime of squishy mud covered hands. Insects crawling creepily on human flesh. An itch that can't quite be reached. A pack of dogs yapping endlessly into the night. Wind blowing against barn doors, hinges squeaking. Paranoia assembling at the back of a mind. Clocks running backwards, counting down. Chalk piercingly scrapping green boards. Being consumed with anxiety like undead corspe walking around apocolyptic landscapes Dark rooms with light crept from windows - casting floating shadows on animated walls. Dismal premonitions growing at the tip of consciousness. Knives buried in hearts of loved ones. Faces smiling with knowing grimaces. Eyes sparkling malevolently. Twinkling mist rising above desolate water. Vanishing nightmares extracting screams Eerie melodies belting out through old pianos like theme songs born to assassinate sanity. Moonlight shining over freshly dug graves. Meloncony phases, teenaged growth into adulthood, thus tragedy Pavement rising on secret eyelids Buses zooming down roads and flattening bodies as if tomatoes unfit to consume. A booming jet unexpectedly falling from blue skies setting alight whole neighborhoods Fires spreading through large cities licking greedily with tongues of sizzling flame. Fainting spells while waking up to amnesia unable to grasp even your own name. Stars dying out in the soundless domain of space as black holes swallow entire galaxies without consideration, remorse or empathy. Push off balconies and highrises Thunder clouds and lighting striking igniting hair like wicks attached to flesh exhaling the charred scents of sweat and pain as throats sing out high pitched shrieks that rise higher and higher like whistles of steam engines. Eyes closings as beings fall into pitch blackness and descend down subdued abyss's where the only sounds are voices replayed in heads and where the only companion is the infinitesimal loneliness like a transparent and dense fog gaining entrance to foreboding hearts that have no choice but to acknowledge the unknowns of death. And then it's all gone as you gather every piece (before I shatter) of me and pull me out from (seeminly real) ashes. Delphine, you're like wine and I want more when in the midst of fear and danger I think of you and I momentarily forget and wish only to feel my lips on yours. When there’s a cool draft we mold our bodies in blissful concert like young lovers with our hands laced together and I whisper in your ear “I love you” (and invite tragedy) ------- But that's much worse lol
Oh yeah, definitely evident in this version that your center alignment really helped it. This one is almost harder to get through in this alignment, so I'd say that was a very prudent decision of yours. To be perfectly honest, I prefer the first version. This alternate version has a lot of abstraction, which I think detracts from your narrative. What made the first one so great was its thingitude; it was dependent on real, existing things, not ideas. It was rough and gritty, like the real world you were trying to convey. Also, your last stanza has a few additions in parentheses that feel like they weaken it. The last stanza of the original version you posted spoke for itself. With these new interjections, it's almost as though you say something really powerful but then feel like there's something missing and so add a crutch where none are needed. At any rate, what I'd say on the whole is that although both versions are far from minimalistic, I'm finding less is more for this one. The first one is a lot more concise and much more direct. You waste little time with metaphor; you wouldn't want to lose Delphine's attention while confessing your love to her, would you? That's why I feel like the first one is by far the better.
Thanks. I thought so But really, the alternate was just me messing around and ultimately the very first version was better and is what I went with.