The Advice Thread (formerly GSYWTLO)

Discussion in 'Serious Chat' started by Derek, Dec 5, 2009.

  1. #61
    Gloomy Mushroom

    Gloomy Mushroom Absolute Zero LPA Super VIP

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    Well I'm going to Sydney a day earlier than him to have some time apart and talk things through with my mum, so I hope that helps.
     
  2. #62
    Theazninvasion68

    Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

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    Sarah: As tough as it is, he's planning for the long-term, apparently. I mean, when a guy goes out of his way to find his girl to have and raise peacefully, that's a next step-up on the commitment scale. And you know? That's serious commitment. As Arlene said, things kinda got the ball rolling really really quick. Just take a breath, everything will be okay. ^_^. Silly things such as arguing about christmas shopping and stuff like that is upsetting, but its both of you to blame, not one or the other. (Refusal to be taken, and Refusal to be of assistance)

    And Sarah, i want to say it's okay to be abit disabled i mean....

    Your child is coming close to its Due date. It's okay to be pregnancy-disabled. No shame really, you just need abit of extra support on more often than usual.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2009
  3. #63
    Louis

    Louis Message me if you need to talk. We love you all. LPA Team

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    I know it seems almost too related to my last post, but, how do you get past wanting someone you can't have?
     
  4. #64
    Amanda.

    Amanda. Well-Known Member

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    We're moving soon. I need help figuring out the best amount of money to be saved. As of right now, I have about $1500 saved. My girlfriend has almost $20,000 (obviously she will be okay) but I would like our bills to be split equally. We'll be paying rent, electric, heat/hot water, cable, internet and groceries. We plan on looking for apartments in the beginning of April. How much should I set as a goal for myself to have saved by then?
     
  5. #65
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Amanda: I'm not great with figuring numbers like that, but being in the city, rent will be much higher than somewhere else, right? You should have at least another couple thousand saved, I'd think.

    --

    Ugh, so I'm confused. Steve smokes pot occassionally. And I really hate it. I'm completely straight edge; I don't even really like to drink. At first, Steve made it sound like the only reason he smoked was a peer pressure thing, to fit in with the people he was hanging out with, but yesterday he finally admitted that he enjoys smoking. I kinda figured but just hearing him say that he LIKES to smoke just made it...different. I was just hoping that he was giving into peer pressure (ha nice right?) but now I know that he actually enjoys smoking. I suddenly feel repulsed and disappointed and disgusted. I told him last night how I felt, because I didn't wanna pretend that it doesn't bother me. He's known that I don't like him smoking, so he doesn't smoke around me, which I appreciate, but I've always kinda accepted it saying "please be careful and don't do anything stupid, because I'm concerned and I care about you." I don't feel like being accepting about it anymore. I hate it. I think it's disgusting. And I'm so repulsed that he likes to smoke and get high. It just bothers me greatly. (I know there are a few of you on here who smoke fairly regularly and I'm not trying to offend anyone. I just really don't like any smoking in general. I don't even mind the high...I just don't like the smoking. Make some pot brownies if you have to...smoking is just so unhealthy and disgusting.)
    So last night when he told me he was hanging out with that group of friends I asked him if they would be smoking and he was honest and said that yes, they would be. Okay...so at least he's being honest. So I asked him why he needed to smoke and that's when he told me that he enjoys smoking. So I just said "whatever, Steve. have fun." I didn't talk to him for the rest of the day and he didn't text me or anything either. When I was going to bed I felt kinda bad because we always say goodnight to each other so I texted him saying "I just wanted to say goodnight and i love you. i feel pretty upset with you and your decisions and I was hoping my feelings would change it but I guess not." He responded with "it's not like i even smoke that much. I'm sorry you feel that way but I really do love you honey." [as i'm typing this I feel like I blew things out of proportion...ugh.] So then I was texting him again tonight and he straight up said that he knows how I feel about him smoking, but he's not going to stop smoking because it's a part of who he is. So I said "so you're not even going to consider stopping even though you know how much it upsets me? If there was something about me that you didn't like, I would change myself the best I could." And he guilted me by saying "I accept you for who you are." He then said that I was blowing things out of proportion and then compared smoking to drinking (because I generally accept drinking) saying that drinking is no better if not worse than smoking but I don't get on his case about drinking. Which was a good point. So I just gave up. But it still bothers me and I just wish he would...stop. If I was doing something that he hated this much, I would try my best to stop or change for him. Why can't he do that for me?

    I guess my questions are a) am I being way too hard on him and being a huge bitch and b) should I just let it go and not try to change him?
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2009
  6. #66
    Louis

    Louis Message me if you need to talk. We love you all. LPA Team

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    Arlene, here's what I have to say.

    A) I don't believe you're being too hard on him. I believe you are voicing your concerns as you should, and you have every right to be concerned. Smoking Pot isn't the best thing for you, and it's understandable that you don't like it and that it bothers you that Steve is doing so. You shouldn't feel like it's unreasonable for you to dislike it, and you shouldn't feel it unreasonable for you to voice your concerns. You're not being a huge bitch. I believe being a huge bitch would be saying, "If you don't stop smoking, we're over." And here's why.

    B) I don't necessarily believe you should let it go. I'm afraid to answer this question for you because I think that it's more important that you consider these things beforehand. First, what he said does make a good point, and it's something you should think about. He does accept you for who you are. I believe that asking him to change for you, and mentioning that you would change anything in a moment for him, might be a bit too much to put on his shoulders, let alone that it ended up provoking him to say what he did. You have to understand that it is a part of who he is: he enjoys it. Is it right? Well, that's up to him. You may disagree with it, and he acknowledges that, and I'm sure he cares about you. You even mentioned that he won't do it around you. But, ultimately, it is his choice, and it's not up to you to decide or, I suppose, greatly impact what he does.

    My suggestion would really be to sit down and talk with him about it, and perhaps explain thoroughly (if you haven't already) why it concerns you so much. You obviously care about him, and you obviously disapprove of his actions, let alone that you care about his well-being. If he doesn't know thoroughly, you should explain, but calmly and patiently. Most likely, he'll have something to say (as judging by this post, he always does), and you should listen to him attentively. If he doesn't want to stop doing it, then don't force it on him, and unless it truly hurts you, it should be left alone for him to deal with.

    I know this isn't necessarily what you want to hear, and I understand that. However, he obviously cares about you and you obviously care about him. Make that fact known, and explain to him that what you say and what you want isn't for you, but for him. You will find some common ground, I'm sure. And who knows, maybe he'll stop. Just, think about him as well in the sense of his personal interests.

    I hope this wasn't too confusing, and I hope that this is somewhat helpful. I hope all goes well with Steve. :)

    :hug:
     
  7. #67
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Thanks Louis. :) I talked to one of my friends (and his only ex girlfriend) about it last night and she said kinda similar to what you said, but I like what you said better. :p She basically said just to talk it through because it will most likely lead to something messier and we should try to work out the problems now before we regret not taking action. She also said to kinda do what you said not to...to give him an ultimatum like "if you don't stop we're gunna have to break up" but I can't do that...because I would never actually do that. I would like to say that I could have that power to make him stop but that's just not right...that's not even just taking away his right to smoke, it's more than that. That would be me dominating his life and I do not want to do that. So yeah...I'm leaving New Hampshire today to go home, and I'm gunna see him tonight. I'll talk things through with him, but I honestly don't think it's gunna go much of anywhere...it'll settle with him telling me he's smoking so I know about it and that's that.

    Hopefully down the road he'll grow out of it...I honestly think it's a maturity thing. And I know he doesn't depend on smoking...Alora (my friend, his ex) said that he had basically stopped smoking when they were together because they were with each other almost 24/7 and he wouldn't smoke around her. Unfortunately I can't see him that often. Oh well...I do know he's capable of giving it up but *shrug* he doesn't seem to want to...so I dunno.

    Thanks again Louis :hug:
     
  8. #68
    Louis

    Louis Message me if you need to talk. We love you all. LPA Team

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    No problem, Arlene. I just believe an ultimatum is selfish unless it's something extremely serious. Given, this isn't a light issue, it's not something that would really factor in to you guys hurting one another and it being a problem down the road in the relationship. It's something he needs to work out with himself, and subtly, you need to guide him through it.

    I'm sure you will be fine and that things will work out. Just be patient and understanding, and a solution will be found. I wish you two all of the best. :)
     
  9. #69
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Okay so it's been kinda resolved that...since he's not ready to change, I can't make him change and I'm not going to force him to. So instead he's just gonna let me know when he's going to be smoking so that I know at least. I'm not happy about it but I can't change him if he doesn't want to be changed (and it's not enough for me to want to break up with him.)
    It's definitely got me stressed out though. Last night for example, his friend Nate was like "dude lets get mad people together to go sledding while fucked up" on facebook, and then later Steve texted me saying that he might be going sledding. So I was like "Alright, so you tell me I have no reason to be concerned when you're smoking, but you're going to go sledding late at night while fucked up? I think that's a LOT of reason to be concerned." Apparently he didn't realize that Nate wanted to go high so yeah. They didn't end up going. But for the little while that I thought he was, I was lying in bed for almost 2 hours, wide awake because I was so freakin' worried. But then he texted me saying that he didn't feel like hanging out (hopefully because he knew how I felt about it) and I fell asleep within 5 minutes. Although, a few minutes after I fell asleep he texted me saying "Although I am drinking." Bzuh? He hasn't responded to my question of "I thought you were staying home?" yet but I'm hoping he stayed home and had a few drinks with his brother.

    I think it's more than just the pot that bothers me. I think it's any partying in general. I don't like to drink or anything and maybe that's why, I dunno. But it's real concern and I think he's finally starting to realize that...I couldn't fall asleep last night, and then I woke up an hour early this morning with a stomach ache because I was thinking about him going out drinking (after having a 12+ hour day of cleaning with his mom and then work). Yes, I do worry a lot, but that's just the way I am.

    I would ask for advice but I don't even know what I can ask. Some people might tell me that ending our relationship would be a good idea for how much what he's doing is stressing me out but I'm not going to do that. Besides those little things, our relationship is amazing- tons better than being with Josh ever was.
    I dunno, should I just relax and realize that he's a 19 year old guy that's gonna have a little fun, who doesn't attain Josh's only good quality (being straight edge)?
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2010
  10. #70
    Trumtram

    Trumtram Well-Known Member

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    honestly arlene (and you might not think that I'M actually posting something valuable concering you ;)), this is leading to one big disaster.
    i see where you coming from because i have almost the same feelings about this whole thing. lived through the struggle about constant discussions about this whole smoking topic myself. it brought me to a place where i am not able to get any serious with a girl when she is a smoker. even though i tried to accept the person in front of me in the past of who she was with her life she decides to live, it never worked out because at some point you really can't hold in the frustration anymore.
    reading how it disturbs the hell out of you is an indication of the high level of frustration you seem to carry with you. an advice from my position would be something you don't want to hear and probably everyone around here would disagree with. but seeing a common similarity between us in that point leads to the conclusion that you two either work this out with YOU changing HIM (however you feel about that) or enduring a very uncomfortable future for your relationship.
    personally i can't stand myself changing the person that i love so i try to avoid at least THIS habit in the first place.

    sorry girl!
     
  11. #71
    Daniel

    Daniel Run for your life. LPA Super Member

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    Arlene, I think you might need to just sit back and relax. A few of my close friends are straightedge, and I view it much the same way I view religion; I admire it but personally I'd rather not have people force it on me.

    I don't want to get started on the whole "seriousness of marijuana" debate, but it's not like he's out doing heroin or something. Also, if it's more the partying you're worried about, if anything it'd be preferable he's smoking pot than getting stupid drunk. He's much less likely to do something foolish he'll regret (for example, cheating).

    Just in conclusion I feel as far as potential relationship problems go, it's probably not that serious. Definitely not worth jeopardising your relationship, anyway.

    Just my two cents.
     
  12. #72
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Thanks guys. Daniel, yeah, I think I'm gonna try to relax a little. I mean, he DOES get drunk sometimes, but not stupid drunk, and honestly even if he was drunk he wouldn't cheat on me. I have absolutely no doubts about that. Nice change, huh? :) (Mostly because he's only ever had one girlfriend, he's very loyal, and this is gonna sound mean, but he's not as attractive as Josh was. And he's definitely not one to just go out for a fling.)
    But yeah I suppose that I'll just try to deal with it...as long as he's being honest, that's something right? I don't agree with what he's doing but I can't change him so yeah. In a way I would want to be there just for my own peace of mind, but I don't want to be around when he's "pot smelly" and high. That sucks. But maybe if he's just going to hang out and drink I might try to be with him more. He has said that he'd love to have me around. Only problem is now, I'm back to school after Christmas break and he's off for another 3 weeks, ugh.

    Thanks hon. :hug:
     
  13. #73
    Dean

    Dean LPA Addict LPA Addict

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    Exactly. It shouldn't be that big a deal.
     
  14. #74
    Trumtram

    Trumtram Well-Known Member

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    it shouldn't, but from what i get it is.
     
  15. #75
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Yeah thanks guys. *shrug* It's a big deal to me but I'm working on it. Although I've been feeling very easily pissed off and angry so I went to the gym today and really pushed myself and I feel a lot better.

    Steve is currently smoking and I feel okay.
     
  16. #76
    Trumtram

    Trumtram Well-Known Member

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    i wish you the best of luck!
     
  17. #77
    Sonic

    Sonic Searching for the last Chaos Emerald... LPA Super Member

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    Arlene, if it upsets you now, then it's something you'll never get over. I get the same way with my friend & even my girlfriend when the subject/situation comes up.
     
  18. #78
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Mike: I know, but what can I do? He's not going to stop unless he wants to and I can't break up with him over it. I care about him too much.
     
  19. #79
    SecondCityKids

    SecondCityKids Hey John, What's Your Name Again? LPA Super Member

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    So. I have an extremly restless mind. If I have something in mind that is bothering me even in the slightest, I can't sleep. I don't know what it is,and when I do sleep I tend to have some nightmares which wake me up an in untimely fashion. I don't know what to do about this. I haven't always had sleeping problems when I had issues. It all started back again a few months ago and I've been pretty quiet about it with my parents. This girl just has me thinking alot and it doesn't help me. What should I do? Do you guys know any ways to help clear the mind or something?
     
  20. #80
    Arlene

    Arlene Oh what tangled webs we weave LPA Super Member

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    Jacob: I know what you're talking about. The other night for example, I couldn't fall asleep because I knew Steve was thinking about going out late and it had me wired. I was awake for 2+ hours. When he told me that he wasn't going out, I fell asleep within 5 minutes.
    It's difficult for me to turn my mind off though. In that situation my mind was set at ease so I was fine, but other times...I just try to think of black silk. Random, I know. Rather than letting thoughts fill my head, I imagine the image and texture of flowing black silk in my head. I definitely understand not being able to turn off the mind.

    Besides being weird like me, you can try meditation.
     

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