Get ready for a long read I'm sorry if the words and thoughts I am about to post are scattered it's just how my mind works but I feel that I really need to let some things out. First my sister, she is bi polar and has BPD and has been suicidal for somewhat like 3 years or so now. She has also put a kinfe up to my neck several times, not in the last 2 years but in the year that she did she did it oftenly. She's been in a mental hospital 31 times in those 3 years, docters tell my mom that she sometimes uses her illness to manipulate people. She follows my mom everywhere and is very disrespectful, I wouldn't really have a problem with this if she didn't know right from wrong but she does and she just excuses herself and says something along the lines of "I have a problem I can't control it" which I know she can because she does but only when she WANTS to. She's been fired from jobs because of her attitude. My mom kicked her out the house once because she was tired of baby sitting an 18 year old as she says, her friends that shes were living with kicked her out of their house also because all my sister wanted to do is go to work and then sleep, not doing anything, she didn't even have to pay rent but still she never helped. My first problem with my sister is that she is disrespectful, very very disrespectful my second is that she has to takes meds but sometimes doesn't, and then she goes "I don't feel good" which really means "I want to kill myself" and we tell her to take her meds and when she does she gains weight and complains about gaining the weight I can understand that the pills can cause you to gain weight but I can not understand it when she says it's not her fault and there is nothing she can do about it, when she could EXERCISE intead of literally eating and doing nothing at all. She gets mad when I tell her that yes i do think she needs to lose weight when she asks. I'm not going to lie to her, even if it is more polite. I'm tired of her complaining about it, it is her fault she doesn't exercise and keep herself healthly. She was just recently approved for SSI disability for her "Illness" which is also stupid in my opinon because I happen to live in the same house with her I know that she is capable of working and is capable of keeping her life together but she just wants someone else to do it, she does not need it. So that just pisses me off that the goverment would pay her to be a lazy, disrespectful might i even have to say bitch because the way that she treats me, it's my very honest opinion of her. Even though I do love her I just can't stand her. I think she's an awful person but whatever on to the next subject. My parents, they have been arguing and yelling and shouting for more than ten years, threatening divorce, at many times I had the assumtion that my dad was cheating on my mom and to be honest I do think he did but I don't feel like going into all the details to support this claim. I'm tired of their arguing and shit, I mean since I was a little kid I remember them arguing and stuff and my mom is going crazy, quite literally with my sister and her clinginess. Sometimes I think that a divorce would be better off, and I do think that is the case right now I think that they would both be happier this way but there is a 6 year old child in the picture so it's kind of complicated, still my other family memebers disagree with me even if you hypothetically take the child from out of the picture and I don't see why, why would you want two people that begin to hate each other to stay together even when they are your mom and dad, isn't it better for them to be happy than what you want them to be? Highschool, college.. I moved around a lot when I was younger and when I was in highschool, and then I finally moved to a place where all my hard work went down a drain, i moved from one highschool to another and when I transfered they told me that I would not be able to receive my credits from the other school because of the system they had, they told me that I had to take my classes again, because I was just starting there and then I would then have to take them once again because I could not get a good grade in by the little time the next year of school started so not wanted to take the same classes I took 3 more times I opted for my G.E.D. I feel bad, really bad that I didn't complete highschool. It depresses me alot, I worry about it alot. Any I've applied to a college and I get accepted but I never start going because my parents always make it hard for me, they lost their W2 form that I need to fill out the fafsa and just wouldn't get a copy of it for some reason now I have to wait until fall of this year to re apply and register I am now 20 years old and I feel that I won't enjoy my life after college at all. I mean for the feild I want to be in I would have to stay in school for 10+ more years but if that's what it takes then so be it. Still I feel that half my life will pass even before it really begins which make me depressed also. One more thing, relationships. I don't really want a relationship right now and am back to being quite anti social, when a relationship doesnt work for me I end up taking time and staying at home alot forgeting how to socialize and becoming more and more uncertain of myself. I believe in soul fate and that there is a person for everyone but I also feel that I will never actually come in contact with that person and my anti socialness is becoming more and more maximized only to support that feeling. I become shy when not talking to people for long periods of time and I want to know how to over come this. Sorry for the long post, but I didn't feel that it was short enough or it was too long to go in the let something out thread. I feel better though about letting some of theses things out and I'm glad I did if you read thank you for taking the time to read. Also sorry for any gramatical mistakes or incoherent thoughts.