Thought i'd take a page from mali's book and post my competition poem. It was different for me so i really would like some feedback on it. Punish the Immortal Fireballs rained from the sky, As panic stricken people pass me by, But I stand still amongst the rush, I know very well my time should be up. But I do not fear death, For it has searched for me for years, And I have escaped its clutches, Through the death of those I held dear. I unlocked the secret to immortality, But in doing so I sealed my death, In bloodshed I receive life, But also draw nearer to my death. And as the world around me, Slowly breaks apart, And my fellow men around me, Fall deep past the earth’s crust. I don’t see death or pain, Only wasted blood, My need for life has overtaken, All my emotions, it is my lust. “Death you cannot have me!” I scream courageously into the sky, But in truth I am a coward, I don’t have the courage to die. Lightning fills the sky, As the earth tears apart, And the stench of blood fills the air, “What a feast,” you sneer in lust. But in what seemed like the final hours, Of the Earth and of its men. I am not destroyed, My immortality has won again. “See, you can not kill me!” I yell into the sky, But the world has collapsed around me, And I am left to never die. And I finally see the flaw in my plan, I’m trapped in a punishment worse than death, Forced to live forever, In seclusion, loneliness. In the distance I see a vision, Of a woman I once knew, It is an image of my wife, And in a flood my emotions break through. And though her face smiles, In her eyes I see the pain, And the resentment she holds towards me, Why would she feel this way? And as I look around me, I see with new eyes, And I weep aloud in sorrow, For all the people that had died. I see the pain my greed has caused, I now know the price was too high, But though I know the secret to immortality, The past I cannot defy. Then in the rubble I see my daughter, And I try to embrace her in my arms, But she passes straight through me, I had also killed her without qualm. But what man can stand such pain, The knowledge you killed all you held dear, That you alone destroyed the world, And those who loved you, made them fear. No man can live through that, But I am no longer man, And though I feel the pain, God has removed death from his plan. So for eternity I’ll cry myself to sleep. Hoping one day I won’t wake up. Maybe I deserved to be punished. Is asking for forgiveness just too much?
I adore this. Hey, I'm a good influence, making you put this up. I think this is very moving, very emotional, definitely one of your best.