Please comment on this writing, as it is very honest and personal to me. Parts of this poem are from another poem I wrote but I thought that i needed to rewrite that poem and this is the outcome. Again please comment Our Very Last The darkness that never seems to escape me You are my light. Came to save me Wounds cut and bleed I’m dragged without any safety Heal my wounds with your gentleness Never thought that my own memories would begin to hate me. I love how you make me forget about it all Try to cry out these tears, yet I’m full of apathy I feel so loved in your presence My poem of rhymes, a masochist in true life. But now I'm throwing away the pain Dried tears that weep down my eyes, the world i wish would subside Never without out you, can’t I go anywhere Cried that night..... A river of blood I stepped into: its devouring my soul Picked me up again I love you so much I've lost all virtue....Pathetic lies are my only true crime. But I’ve been stabbed and hit and bled and missed.. Tonight I'll hold you're hand, and dismiss it all And it doesn’t matter if anyone misses us while we're gone This is our last love song. No more complaining about my pain No more attention am I trying to gain I've moved on: the stars have fell We hold them in our grasped hands And wish on each other This is perfect Nothing like this will ever happen again It will happen so more many times A supernova of emotion I cry in your arms So perfectly honest Take my heart and travel the universe This day last forever If only for a few hours And the night is enternal As we sit away and fade It doesn't matter who misses us at all This is our final, the very end Our lives, and it has just started to begin This is my last poem, our last love song
It's good writing and imagery, although a bit too long for my taste. I understand that you were writing what you felt, but near the end I began to lose interest. But don't get me wrong, I can tell that this means a lot to you, and it's real to you. So, cheers.
Here is a differnt version, few minor addtions. Our Very Last The darkness that never seems to escape me You are my light. Came to save me Wounds cut and bleed I’m dragged without any safety Heal my wounds with your gentleness Never thought that my own memories would begin to hate me. I love how you make me forget about it all Try to cry out these tears, yet I’m full of apathy I feel so loved in your presence My poem of rhymes, a masochist in true life. But now I'm throwing away the pain Dried tears that weep down my eyes, the world i wish would subside Never without out you, can’t I go anywhere Cried that night..... A river of blood I stepped into: its devouring my soul Picked me up again I love you so much I've lost all virtue....Pathetic lies are my only true crime. But I’ve been stabbed and hit and bled and missed.. Tonight I'll hold you're hand, and dismiss it all And it doesn’t matter if anyone misses us while we're gone This is our last love song. No more complaining about my pain It's wraped so tightly around me No more attention am I trying to gain I'll scream out loud every other second I've moved on: the stars have fell They burn with their infinate frozen heat We hold them in our grasped hands And brand ourself with ruin And wish on each other This is perfect Nothing like this will ever happen again It will happen so more many times A supernova of emotion Our very last Apathy finds us again tonight I can not cry at all I cry in your arms So perfectly honest Take my heart and travel the universe This day last forever Has it ever before been so awful? If only for a few hours And the night is enternal As we sit away and fade It doesn't matter who misses us at all This is our final, the very end Our lives, and it has just started to begin This is my last poem, our last love song __________________