My First Song

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by Seb, Jul 31, 2005.

  1. #1
    Seb

    Seb Active Member

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    This is my first shot at writing. I've never tried writing lyrics before now. I don't like what I wrote too much but I thought I would post it because I want to know what you guys think of my first attempt. I just finished writing it. It took me about 10 minutes. Please be honest with your critisism/comments.

    I'm not sure about the title yet, but I think I'll call it "beautiful"


    I look in your eyes tonight
    You look so beautiful
    But my eyes fail to see
    that inside your broken and miserable
    All the shit you have endured
    Why couldn't it be me
    You look so beautiful
    But I fail to see

    Your broken soul
    Your wounded heart
    The scars you keep hidden
    In the dark

    I wish I could go back in time
    Save your soul for the price of mine
    Maybe if I pray to God tonight
    He will set everything right

    I look in your eyes tonight
    You look back at me and smile
    But I know inside
    You are in denial
    I hope that my love
    Will mend the wounds inside
    I hope that in my love
    You'll find a place to hide
    All the shit you have endured
    Why couldn't it be me
    You look so beautiful
    But I fail to see

    Your broken soul
    Your wounded heart
    The scars you keep hidden
    In the dark


    I wish I could go back in time
    Save your soul for the price of mine
    Maybe if I pray to God tonight
    He will set everything right

    Please God
    Give her another chance
    Please God
    Do not make her pain last

    All the shit you have endured
    Why couldn't it be me
    You look so beautiful
    But I fail to see




    I don't know shit about writing lyrics, so sorry if this was complete crap and a waste of your time, but please let me know what you think. Thanks
     
  2. #2
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    It wasn't crap at all, by god that was pretty awsome for your first attempt at writing, i think you could have potential. There was only the odd spot where you lost flow, otherwise it flowed really well, for a first shot at writing this was amazing, i would recomend you read some more writings from around here and then write some more, and keep writing, well done.
     
  3. #3
    Seb

    Seb Active Member

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    Thanks for being honest D_A_V_I_D. I'll take you're advice and keep on writing.
     
  4. #4
    fallenangel

    fallenangel Well-Known Member

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    i totally agree with david!

    for your very first attempt, this is amazing! my first attempt was sooo bad compared to this.

    hell, you better keep writing cause there is some great potential there!

    i am sooo looking forward to your next write! :D
     
  5. #5
    Luke

    Luke Mind Your Manners. LPA Addicted VIP

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    Its really good but with a little more input it could be even better ;)

    Great work :)
     
  6. #6
    Seb

    Seb Active Member

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    Thanks a lot you guys. My girlfriend/best friend just broke up with me yesterday, so expect more song lyrics about depression, suicide, lies, losing the friendship from someone you love, how love is BS, and other depressing and dark topics.

    Please, you guys, don't ask out you're best friend unless you plan on fucking up your life.
     
  7. #7
    saunderitos

    saunderitos Banned

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    dude,i've had a close tot that experience.Last night infact

    The world sucks sometimes



    nice write by the way :p
     

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