Ok, this is the first serious poem I ever wrote, so please don't be too harsh on me, I know it's crap. My eyes act like a window as you look into my soul. Deep inside you see a part, a part that is not whole. My arms act like a barrier, as I block you from my pain. While I go on for days and days without any personal gain. My hands are my weapon, pushing you further away. I walk past a playground and see the children at play. My legs are my transport, running from my fears. Run until I feel safe then let out the flowing tears. My body is my carrier, holding my struggling spirit. As I watch other people suffer, their pain, I can feel it. Thanks for reading it guys! :hugz:
It was O.K. pretty good for a first try. You seemed to loose focus though, or more, the poem really never develpoed a main focus. Some lines felt they were put in for the sake of a rhyme which never sounds good. Especially this bit. I walk past a playground and see the children at play. It had nothing really to do with the rest of the poem. So remeber to be more focused and not try and focus so much on rhyming.
Thank you. You are a really good poet to have seen that I did kinda lose focus, especially in the middle. Thank you heaps :hugz:
Thanks, i'm sure you can become great too with practice, i would really recommend reading some other poems by other poets, we really do have some truely amazin poets around here. But always keep writing. B)
david,you dont have to compliment me all the time you know ^^ I liked it, most of it was good to read,some bits weren't so good.
Aww...thank you two so much. Critisizm is good. Is that how you spell it? Any way. I will try and rewrite the middle bit,is that all that needs changing?
Hmm...I had a think last night about what I could change it to...I can't really think of anything, but I wasn't really in the mood. Thanks for spelling critism to me too