Lyrics Competition Entries Entry A Theme Submitted By: Jeff "Seaman has been captured by Ryan The Infamous and has been missing for months. It is up to and to help save Seaman before Ryan eats him for Sunday brunch." Entry Written By: El Muerto Lady of the Sea smoothly sailed across the waves Seagulls flying high up in the cloudy sky Beating of the oars, like a drummer's pattern Gushing winds behind them, time to pick up speed "Raise those sails now! Faster!" shouted captain O'Somme, Standing in his cabin, with lieutenant Neeyan, Watching in the distance, Shadow Island looming, Lord Infamous' refuge, sturdy stony castle A seaman's been missing, villagers reported A trader of 40, wife and seven children Rumors have it there's a lord who feeds on humans Ryan the Infamous, simple folk they call him When the word has reached the old king, he exploded He gathered his council and angry he declared: "I will not have cannibals roaming in my kingdom, Summon captain O'Somme and prepare the fleet." Not a fortnight after, captain and lieutenant Making final plans on how to storm the castle Twenty-seven battle ships and a dozen longboats Stand at their disposal, waiting for the nightfall "One of my own oarsmen", said lieutenant Neeyan, "used to be a smuggler some twenty years ago. He says he used to smuggle wine for old Lord Ryan and swears to know this island, every single cove. If he's to be trusted, there's a hidden cave That can only be accessed when the tides are high And inside the cave, there is an iron gate that Leads to an old sewer, a long time abandoned." "So what is he suggesting?" softly asked the captain, "That we go in like rats, when everyone's asleep?" "I don't like it either", added the lieutenant, "But pray tell me my captain, what options we have? The captain was thinking, in the light of candles, The castle's impregnable, they both knew it's true, Then slowly he stood up, smashed his fist on table "So be it, lieutenant, we'll do as you say." Long after the moon rose, seven boats were lowered Each with seven men, and slowly they sailed Lead by the old oarsman, silent, with a mission To crawl in and open the gates from within Not an hour after the castle gates opened The sentinel towers were all over in flames Time was of the essence, the stronghold's the target Brave warriors running in, spears and swords in hands Ryan the Infamous, Lord of Shadow Island Was captured alive as the king demanded "Where is the old seaman?", asked the angry captain "Did you already eat him or is he alive?" Lord Ryan was silent, not a word he uttered So the guards escorted him up to a ship Threw him in a cell and bound him in iron To await the punishment when brought to the king Meanwhile, captain O'Somme and lieutenant Neeyan Found the poor old seaman with both his legs missing He cried when he saw them, he knew he was safe now No more of his body is gonna be eaten They called for a healer, he came with his potions Tended to his wounds and gave poppy for sleep They carried him back to Lady of the Sea Gave him captain's chamber, to rest now he needs So now captain O'Somme and lieutenant Neeyan Standing in the cabin, sailing towards the sun They saved the poor seaman from Lord Infamous' madness The nightmare has ended, a new day has begun. Entry B Theme Submitted By: Puresque "A robot is dancing in the snow, wearing a pink dress and pretending to be Barack Obama." Entry Written By: Dean I am Robot Barack Obama. I have travelled backwards from 100 years into America's future in order to save you all. Have you seen Logan's Run? The future is a lot like that, and Anthony Wiener is the old man who lives alone with loads of cats. Those poor cats. Unfortunately I am three laws compliant, meaning I am unable to backhand Rush Limbaugh repeatedly across his face, and as a result of this I have failed my mission and have been banished to a snow field, where I dance every day. Do you like my pink dress? I wanted to wear my jodhpurs but Robot Michelle said I'd look stupid because jodhpurs are only for horse riding. Fuck it's cold. Entry C Theme Submitted By: Benjamin "You go out to the store at midnight to buy the latest installment of your favorite video game franchise. You then go home and play it non stop. Unfortunately for you, you suddenly have the urge to take a massive shit. But you absolutely cannot stop playing the game. It's too good. So you go ahead and try to let yourself shit your pants. However, you just can't get yourself to actually do it. You keep on trying but no success. But you also can't stop playing the game. This is a problem." Entry Written By: Disturbedthoughts "Nothing Else Matters" Nothing else matters, A deep rumble, The feel of suffering, Addiction has brought me this far, Yet there is farther to climb, And nothing else matters. Day 1, I was happy, content. My first hit, sublime, How was I to know that it would lead to corrupted innocence? Late nights and early mornings, Hours flash on by, I stare, unmoving. My “friends” told me it would be fun, They told me to try it. I foolishly believed. I don't have friends anymore. My mother called today and I didn't answer. She wouldn't understand. Another rumble, I pause for a single moment and wonder, Am I dying? No matter, I'm happy, content, And nothing else matters. Tears run down my face as my tale progresses, Colors swirl together before my very eyes, Taking on vague shapes and definitions. Rumble... Pain... Were there happier times in my life? I just can't remember. I doubt it. My father came over to me, He tried to separate me from my happiness, He tried to. And he tried again. I felt it was in my best interests that he didn't try a third time. Rumble... Pain... Nothing else matters... Who is anyone to judge me? I KNOW MY HAPPINESS! LEAVE ME ALONE! I feel at peace again. More ignored calls, Why can't people learn they will never satisfy me like this does? They will never understand, Maybe I should make them. The rumbling is worse, I feel dizzy... When was the last time I slept? A key...to what? NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. NOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERSNOTHINGELSEMATTERS Rumble... Pain... Shadows encroached on my colors... I shook them away, Maybe a little to hard... But at least my colors are brighter, more vibrant, more happy. Peace. Why do I still hurt? I don't know... Make it stop... Please... Colors are changing, I'm happy again. There is a pungent smell pervading the air, From me? Have I not showered lately? No...father simply...farted. I think I am nearing the end, of myself perhaps. Of my journey I'm certain. At least I shall remember it fondly. Rumble... Pain... Plse *mak it stop... I dontwant to *hurt anemore... Colors... Hungry Look, colors. Rumble... Pain... Dark, really dark. I guess that I didn't chase the shadows away. My shaking wasn't persuasive. Go away... Ring... Ring... Please leave a message... I felt a pop today. I feel so much better, Normally this would be cause for concern but I refuse to look a gift horse in the mouth. Almost there, Don't fail me now colors. I threw up, Maybe I should have looked that gift Colors... Colors. Colors Colors Colors Peace Happiness Puke My journey...its over? No...it can't be right? NO Reset Familiar colors. Familiar vomit. Head hurts. Dizzy. Shadows are back, Not leaving... Colors... Pain... Nothing else matters... One last achievem- Entry D Theme Submitted By: Jesse "Life as a Turritopsis nutricula (immortal jelly fish)." Entry Written By: Raymond Luxury-Yacht Life is an Immortal Jellyfish Life is an immortal jellyfish Stalking through the sea Its tentacles stinging the innocent Their wounds relieved only by pee Be it your arms, neck, or legs Where it will strike first you cannot know But if the jellyfish has its way Straight to your scrotum it will go Life is an immortal jellyfish Its body seemingly made of goo But much like your luck with women It's more like a taco-fueled poo Beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes Its toppings may vary in color and class The only thing you can be certain of Is it will stink like 10,000 types of ass Life is an immortal jellyfish "Turritopsis nutricula" its scientific name But don't mistake this for sophistication Cruelty is its favorite game It will watch you from afar Blissful in ignorance, surely you will be Until it sneaks up behind you Making you screech like a little she Life is an immortal jellyfish Its trials you should never underestimate Or else you will be left wincing Your butthole it will likely fornicate Gentle it will not be to you The pain will punch you in your belly For as the ever-wise Beyonce once proclaimed "I don't think you're ready for this jelly" Entry E Theme Submitted By: Hybrid "2 people are out on a date when one of them becomes increasingly stand offish. This bothers the other person and attempts to find out why..." Entry Written By: Puresque A date can have two different runs, that’s what my mama used to say: either he doesn’t kiss you at all, or he does so right away. Now this wasn’t the first date of Erin and Sam and their first kiss years ago, but the anticipation was just as high and the confidence just as low. Their way was leading to the cinema, just twenty minutes by car, their song was playing in the radio, Sams reaction quite bizarre: he wasn’t smiling like he used to do, nor chuckling as she blushed, his eyes were starring to the road which he drove on rather rushed. Earlier they laughed and spoke, now he no longer seemed to try, “Tell me what is wrong with you” she urged but Sam did not comply. The way he kept ignoring her brought Erin close to tears, with his dismissive way to act confirming hidden fears. She tried to make him stop the car and open up to her, to tell her what was going on and why he didn’t care. The cinema was coming close but suddenly he stopped, and for a second Erin thought his defense would have dropped. However what was following was not what she expected: Instead of telling her the truth he suddenly rejected to take her to the cinema or even drive her home, he only opened up the door and sent her into gloam" The girl was stunned and rather shocked and struggled to believe, that who she thought would be her friend was just about to leave. She didn’t find a word to say, nor managed to reply, the words were stuck inside her throat when he told her “good-bye”. And for a second he held on and she was sure to catch a glint of love inside his eyes that didn’t seem to match the hostile words that had just left his lips moments ago. He closed the door and Erin felt the rather cold wind blow. CRASH. A scream escaped the young girls mouth, her eyes were growing wide, but when she looked around herself Sam was not by her side. Her heart was racing rather fast, her hands were sweating wet, instead of standing on the street she rested in a bed. A nurse made sure to keep her calm, and Erin did remember - three days ago they had a crash, it must have been December. Christmas had been passing by, Sam brought her to a date no one of them being aware of what would be their fate. A car had crashed straight into them, and while Erin survived, the boy she loved died right away before help could arrive. What had just turned out as a dream had not been a bad date, but Sam who had sent her away to bring back her heart rate. Entry F Theme Submitted By:Dustin "Bob has a problem. He swears that it was in the last place he saw it but it's NOT! Will Bob find what he is looking for? Will Bob's family suffer under his obsession to find his treasure? Where the hell is Bob's TV remote?!" Entry Written By: Jeff Check, Check check, check out the tele-V Ch-check che-ch-check, check out the tele-v Bob was on the third rock from the sun Watching TV with Two and a Half Men, not just one But it took a big bang, theory out with Kenan and Kel to realize it was just a Ghost in the Shell Losing his remote wasn't like being King of the hill but more of a burden like a shell on a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle, life's gonna be hell He had to solve the case like S.V.U. And with criminal intent he's coming for you To where his remote went to, no one knows just like why That 80's Show really blows Because Family Matters, Step by Step until I salute your shorts on soap operas you wept He'll have Growing Pains until the remote is found just like Star Wars holiday special I want to meet the browns That didn't make sense, because it's true That bob hasn't found the item he is turning a hue More purple than barney, because three is company When thundercats have glee at the idea that the 8 simple rules of engagement have left me at 30 rock, the last place Bob left the damn thing back in the office, having sex in the city, While watching the sopranos killing ol' uncle vinny Riding my little pony on my reading rainbow acting badass like fucking Rambo. What's the moral of this story you ask? Don't be like Bob, and lose the remote WHAT AN ASS! Entry G Theme Submitted By: Disturbedthoughts "Loving your family from a zombies point of view." Entry Written By: Jesse Can Zombies love? Family. On grass, on dirt, I ponder a dead brain that yearns to wonder Does a dead brain ever ask - speculate about ones past? Does it love and love to rot? Does it love at all? Well, surely not. Does one's friends cease to be or is there a trapped fragment of memory? These things I try to speculate Yet my brain's decay will not hesitate to destroy any meaning of a futile dream thus are just truths of an undead being Can Zombies love? Replace the apathy that so many are in awe of? If I were to see my sister beneath a parlor's awning Would I be able to keep aside a hunger dawning? because I knew I had a family once whom I had loved in ways more than Lunch But now all the care which my life had wed takes the form of my zombie-head so Woe is me, or if I could be sad at all Instead, I aimlessly walk halls of an abandoned mall To see the woman who had gave me birth And the brains I'd love to feast on near grass and dirt. Entry H Theme Submitted By: Raymond Luxury-Yacht "Mario has hit rock bottom. After years of indulging in glorious mushrooms, the intrepid plumber has become a full-blown addict." Entry Written By: Dustin Once a Nintendo icon loved by all What looked like a simple power up Has caused the Super to fall Super Mario was who he use to be Traveling the eight lands of the mushroom kingdom As far as the eye could see But now he sits covered in his filth and waste With mushrooms and hooker spit The only thing his tongue can taste Looking back Mario seen how it went sour Trying to find the kidnapped Princess He became addicted to mushroom power The Battles with Bowser were always such a hassle Just for Toad to say "The Princess is in another castle" Mario had known that it was all to much The feeling was so good The satisfaction of mushroom touch Remembering the good times with Luigi his brother The youngest of the family Sharing mushrooms with one another Luigi's life was all over in a flash He lost his mind hunting ghost Mushroom overdose on Mario's stash Mario closed his eyes and thought of Princess Peach His mushroom addiction had went to far The Mario Kart crash at Shy Guy beach Under the influence from a mushroom filled *bong The crash ended three lives that day Peach, Toad and Donkey Kong After doing time for the lives that he cost He locked himself away Counting away all the 1UPs lost Now a mushroom in one hand and Bob-omb in the other Would he indulge himself some more Or join his baby brother Meanwhile a yellow and purple van had pulled up outside They had finally come for him Mario was going for a much needed ride Wario and Wuluigi *had come dressed up in white Mario was going to Wario's funny farm Mario would be locked up tight They kicked in the door with a scream "WE HAVE A COME FOR YOU!" Mario was no match for this team Running to the bathroom with mushrooms in hand He would flush them all down He would send them to water land Before he could make it he felt pain in his leg Brought down by a Chain Chomp Mario started to cry out and beg "It's a not my time to go! Do you not a know who I am? IT'S A ME A MARIO?!" Restrained with a straitjacket with his arms tightly wrapped He yelled once again Mario's brain had finally snapped "It's a not my time to go! Do you not a know who I am? IT'S A ME A MARIO?!" As he was pulled away kicking and screaming He seen two ghost of the past Was he dead or just dreaming? It was Luigi and Peach who had ordered this hit Mushrooms had destroyed Mario's mind He had imagined all of it The mushrooms had killed them in his head After they both left him To him they were dead Luigi had destroyed Mario's mushroom stock He had went to rehab Mario was hurt, confused and full of shock Peach had left him for that blue Hedgehog Sonic She had a taste for SEGA Wasn't that absolutely Ironic? Once a Nintendo icon loved by all What looked like simple power up Has caused the Super to fall To this day he sits quietly in his padded room This is how Mario hit rock bottom That stupid Princess and her glorious mushroom! Entry I Theme Submitted By: El Muerto "Going for a night out in NYC on LSD and ending up time-travelling to ancient Rome, medieval England and 22nd century Burkina Faso" Entry Written By: Benjamin My father came from Russia in 1955 He was 15 when he immigrated from Russia He worked until, actually, I don’t think he ever worked... Let me tell you a story in the form of a dream, I don't know why I have to tell it, I’m not sure what it means, But just close your eyes, just picture the scene, As I paint it for you. It was 1962, when this dude named Zenji got up, Zenji was a stoner He was just a loner who never even takes a shower, they say, but anyways, that day he woke up from sleeping like he always did, briefly masturbating *in front of the mirror, He lived in a bathroom inside a gas station, He escaped to Jersey from the Russians, They called him Communist But actually, they’d say he was called a “hippie” That meant “first generation hipster in the United States” when everybody was afraid of the Russians, afraid of the commis But most of all, hippies feared lacking drug money And that morning when Zenji went out of his bathroom, his world was doomed ‘cause He realized; the worst fucking news three weeks before his pot stash was to be renewed His pot was gone and his crave to be high was comin Pictures of Kappa naked and flexin’ Zen knew what it would lead to and just like he guessed, his body said, “you still haven’t tried LSD yet and you know where to get some”... So the Zen, went to his friend And stole his LSD with two bags, Yes, two bags. Couldn’t even pack his clothes, he didn’t want the drugs in his suitcase...not enough would fit, so he got two trash bags to carry it and when he got home he asked “where am I going?” He didn’t remember where he’s been sleeping.. Zen didn’t want to lie, he said “I’m pretty sure drugs make my memories die” So he decided to go to New York City, but first he decided to take LSD But wait, stop, what was Zen doin’? He didn’t even know how to consume it Does he take only one pill ‘cause one fuck up and he’s killed... He decides to fuck it, doesn’t think about it Intakes all of it, his body nearly exploded What happens next is really confusing, confusing.... as soon as the LSD was in his system The guy collapsed to the ground and said “what the fuck just happened?” Then he blacked out He didn’t understand What just happened to him? Because he was just an innocent drug abuser... So now he’s in New York City with skyscrapers surroundin’ him, Trololol guys all around, looking strangely at him Zenji still felt kind of off went to the subway to sleep it off he went on a train and slept and, he wasn’t going to make any problems, but then his hallucinations showed many Seaman that introduced him to new sexual positions that they made... and in the back of his mind he thought they were pretty fucking great, Seamen don’t show up in God damn porn, what for? Time passed in the Subway, He wondered if he should leave the train, if there was a place to be The only way out was to get up and see So subsequently,* he got off the subway, but he was alone he somehow ended up in Ancient Rome That 15 kilograms of LSD quickly took away his sense of reality, Julius Caesar appeared for a bit; *said “get the fuck off or tits” Zen got out, went back on the subway, hoping to again see present day But, when he got to the next stop, what he saw made him feel so lost these people had built many castles Made moats and catapults and big doors Nothings been more obvious before He was in Medieval England, but what for? And Zenji looked up surprised; King Harold was there who just stood outside He, looked at Zenji with some words to say, “tits or get the fuck away” Zen said “The latter....I’ll be on my way” Now the names have been changed, but the story’s true, There was a hippie in the family in 1962 An LSD overdose had him think time travel was possible His last words were “I’m in 22nd century Burkina Faso” When we first heard about him...uh the news was....pretty...pretty irrelevant I, I remember my husband said “did you hear about your brother, the hippie?” And then my brother died before I knew I even had one Entry J Theme Submitted By: Abel "A man one day grows a full-grown graceful beard to impress a girl he is in love with, but suddenly the beard grows a mind of its own, runs off, falls in love with, and marries a sponge in a dress." Entry Written By: Hybrid I thought I would do something strange To score that chick that's out of my range. I went to her bar and bought her a drink But when I talked to her I couldn't think. Stuttering aimlessly, I did what I feared She excused herself and went to a guy with a beard. She talked to him and smiled too There and then, I knew what I had to do. For the next month, my razor sat there as my face and neck itched from my hair. My beard came in full and thick I knew that it would finally do the trick. On my way to the bar, I walked slow and steady Until I got chased by that huge hairy Yeti. I ran and found shelter in this shed Not seeing the warning label over head. The label read clear and true High Voltage, Keep out! And that means you! As an arc sent the Yeti running in fear The door busted open and threw me like a spear. I landed in the field across from the bar All I wanted was some beer from that Mason jar. I got up and walked all smoking and twitchy and my face was feeling unusually itchy. I scratched and I rubbed to ease the sensation When I walked through the door I felt the mutation. My beard it now squirmed and had a mind of it's own And then dropped from my face like a ten ton stone. The people were shocked and then ran out the door But that could not prepare me for what else was in store. My beard crawled across the floor and up the counter to a sponge that was sitting there for at least half an hour. It wasn't too wet just sopping up the mess It also had a towel around it that looked like a dress. My eyes could not believe that my beard and this sponge flung to the door with a great big lunge. Then down the street the pair did lurch And then took a hard left and went into the church. Down the aisle as the pastor then said "Dearly beloved, I thee wed." The church bells rang, the pews emptied out The sponge and my beard were now married, no doubt. Back to my place went my beard and his wife And had bearded sponge kids and ruined my life. Unused Themes "Write about your encounter of being in a porno with the Mortal Kombat characters." - This is the theme Abel would have used. - This theme was written by Joe "A poem outlining string theory, written in the style of Samuel Johnson" - This is the theme Joe would have used. - This theme was written by Dean And now the moment everyone has been waiting for. First things first, I would like to say thank you to everyone who took part. I really enjoyed hosting this contest and I hope you all had fun taking part. Everyone who entered did an awesome job. In 1st place and the winner of the Lyrics Competition 2011 is...... ENTRY EPuresque With a Score of 75 Points! 2nd Place Winner is.... ENTRY HDustin With a Score of 71 Points! And We Have A Tie For 3rd Place..... The Winners are.... Entry GJesse and ENTRY JHybrid With a Total Score of 63 Points! 4th Place with 54 Points - Disturbedthoughts 5th Place with a 3 way Tie with 52 Points - El Muerto, Raymond Luxury-Yacht and Jeff 6th Place with 49 Points - Benjamin 7th Place with 46 Points - Dean Thank you EVERYONE for taking part! Puresque, Hybrid, and Jesse - PLEASE PM me with what color you would like and what you would like your custom badge to say. Once I get these I will be PMing Joe for approval. Thank you!