LPA AWARDS CEREMONY

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DISCLAIMER: All views expressed here are those of the hosts (mostly Will) and may or may not be the same as the rest of the members of the Linkin Park Association. If you take anything said herein seriously, you might be a redneck.

Welcome to the Olympic Edition of the fourth installment of the Linkin Park Association Awards! These awards are presented by Xbox and a mafia in Luxembourg. Our former sponsors, Toshiba, Nike, and Coca-Cola, decided to stop sponsoring us because they hate us, or something. You should boycott them right now.

The voting for the awards was closed late Thursday night, causing widespread hysteria in every third world country on Neptune. No one knew what to do, because they hadn’t voted yet. Should they protest? They didn’t know. Should they eat carbon-based folding chairs? They didn’t know. Should they watch the LPA Awards on TV? They would, but they can’t. Suckers.

When the LPA Awards were first being experimented with, we asked hardcore heavy metal star Gene Simmons from KISS if he would host the Awards. He gratuitously declined, saying that he’d rather sleep with 100 of his groupies that had STDs than host our Awards. Naturally, we were crushed, but Simmons contracted an STD and his right arm fell off. Who’s laughing now, GENE?!

Television ratings for the Awards last year rivaled those of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, the O.J. Simpson murder trial, 9/11 news programs, the Super Bowl and the fourteenth coming of Jesus Christ. We were stunned, of course, but we didn’t let this set us back. We needed to be worse than that. Unfortunately, we failed, and the Awards have become the greatest thing ever to befall human civilizations.

This year, the Awards are based on the Olympics in Athens, Greece. Now, if you don’t know where Greece is, I’ll tell you: Greece is in South America, next to the Congo and underneath Malaysia. That doesn’t really have anything to do with what I was going to originally say, but I forgot what I was going to say so I decided to grace you with my glorious knowledge of the geography of Earth.

Oh, I remember now. Since the Olympics are, no doubt, on your TV at this very moment, you’ll know that they totally ripped us off. They made us say that these awards were based on the Olympics, when, in reality, the Olympics are based on the LPA Awards. But with touching. Since we didn’t want Bill Gates to sue us, we went ahead with their wishes to say that we’re based on them. At least you’ll know the truth.

This year’s awards are going to be different from previous years (or... semi-years). For instance, instead of just showing you the winner and the runner-up, we’re going to be awarding gold, silver and bronze medals to each of the top three award-winners in their categories. We’ll also be displaying the flag of the country in which the person currently resides. If we got your country wrong, it means we don’t care where you live.

Now, without further ado, here are the winners of the fourth almost-annual-but-not-quite Linkin Park Association Awards Olympic Edition (that’s a mouthful)!

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First up today is the award for the Best Staff Member. No doubt, this category is the epitome of sucking up. Unfortunately, it won’t make the winner like you any more than he already hates you right now. That’s right. Mark, our gold medalist representing Canada, hates every single one of you, and there isn’t a thing that you can do about it. Unless you want to be banned. Ah, sweet protest.

Our silver medalist, representing the United States.......... wait, it’s me. I didn’t know anyone loved me! I’d like to thank the Academy, my mom, my dad, my sister, my rabbit, my tree, my spork and, most importantly, my computer. THANK YOU ALL! Our bronze medalist, Keaton, also representing the USA, doesn’t deserve this award. The guy does absolutely nothing. He sits around all day eating cheesy poofs. Anyone who voted for this guy is LAME.

And, now, Canada’s national anthem...

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The gold medal for Best Thread Starter goes to Mark, who is once again representing Canada for some reason; but since we just got done listening to Canada’s national anthem, we’re not going to play it again. Instead, we’re going to piss Mark off and play Good Charlotte’s “Anthem.” In your face, Mark, IN YO’ FACE. Also, this award just goes to show that people don’t know what they’re talking about since Bryan obviously makes the best threads. Pshaw.

Our silver medalist is—HOLY CRAP. ME AGAIN. WOW. I don’t know what to say! I’ll just cut and paste what I said earlier, it’ll make things go faster: “I’d like to thank the Academy, my mom, my dad, my sister, my rabbit, my tree, my spork and, most importantly, my computer. THANK YOU ALL!” Still representing the USA, mind you. Our bronze medalist, Kat, representing both the United Kingdom and France since she doesn’t know where she lives, makes some crazy threads. Search Random Chat for some threads by her if you want to see what I’m talking about. And since this is her only medal, we’re going to play France’s national anthem and the national anthem of the United Kingdom instead.

And, now, France’s national anthem, followed by the national anthem of the United Kingdom...

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This year’s funniest member is funnier than a clown being raped and butt–violated. One of our newest staff members, superxero88, decided to kick the funny up a notch to secure gold for the United States in this category. You can generally see him be hilarious in just about any thread he posts in. Hailing from the Netherlands, our silver medalist, Chris, decided to be funny, too. Unfortunately, he just could not overcome the hilarity box that is superxero88. Our bronze medalist, Nate, is apparently only third funniest. Ah, well. He can be funny some more and maybe he’ll beat out superxero88 and Chris next year.

And, now, the national anthem of the United States...

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Ah, the award for hottest girl. Usually, this would be a great time to crack some sexual jokes about a certain male body part, but I cannot, due to the rules we’ve set. Oh, woe is me. Anyway, our gold medalist, hailing from the United Kingdom, is definitely sexy. Suffice takes home the gold this year as the hottest girl at the LP Association.

Anya, our silver medalist, representing the United States, can generally be seen posting a picture or two every once in a while in the Post Your Picture thread, just on the off-chance that we’ll forget how hot she is. That won’t happen any time soon, though. Our bronze medalist, also representing the USA, is a newcomer to the LPA but has definitely earned her right as sexy. Even though she’s only posted two pictures, it was enough for HybridMinoda to take home the bronze.

And, now, the national anthem of the United Kingdom...

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No doubt the poster boy of the LPA, Derek takes home yet another gold for the United States in the category of Hottest Guy. Unfortunately, what you all don’t know is that Derek is really a 47-year-old overweight Puerto Rican woman. Tough luck.

Coming in second place for whatever reason is myself, Will, representing the United States. Whoever voted for me is obviously blind as I am no more attractive than a Sasquatch. Then again, Kanye doesn’t know that Sasquatches exist. Again, tough luck.

Coming in third this year and taking home the bronze for Canada is Omar A. You can generally find girls swooning over him in the Post Your Picture thread because his hotness just cannot be denied by any man or boat. No tough luck there.

And, now, the national anthem of Siberia...

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The gold for this year’s Best Graphics Artist goes to LinkinJunior, the offspring of all of the members of Linkin Park. That’s why they call him Junior. You can usually find LJ making banging sigs for himself and other people around the forums. His art dominates the forums and it’s no wonder why he won the gold here for the United States.

Coming in second and bringing home a silver for the USA is Keaton. His art is usually very controversial but very, very good. It owns anything you could ever hope to achieve in your entire life, including having children that grow up to dominate Botswana. There’s nothing you can do about it. And, finally, bringing home the bronze is myself for some reason. I don’t know who voted for me. I suck at everything.

And, now, the national anthem of Topeka, Kansas...

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Taking a page from established emo bands such as Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Linkin Park, Chevelle, The Who, Britney Spears and MC Hammer, Will brings home the gold for the United States as the Best Writer. You can typically find him—er, me—being a whiny emo brat in everything I write in Writer’s Cove.

Coming in second place, taking home the silver for the UK, is Jamie. His lyrics are typically very great and he’ll no doubt not make it in any sort of music business. The same for Dedicated, who also took home a medal for the UK, although it was the bronze. He’s sure to fail in anything he’s going to ever do in his entire life. Must suck to be British right now.

And, now, the national anthem of Brazil...

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Debating has been a way of life ever since we established the Serious Chat forum. Since then, there have been more people banned than ever before, not counting teenies. Our gold medalist for the Best Debater is Mark... again... representing Canada. He can generally be seen pushing his opinions like your father pushes papers at that big business that he’s supposedly a CEO at.

Taking home the silver medal for the United States is everyone’s favorite Derek, Derek. Although the majority of you don’t know this, Derek actually gets hundreds of monkeys to randomly jumping on his keyboard to type up his debates. That’s the only reason they’re so coherent. It’s the same way with our bronze medalist, me. Neither of us are that smart. We’re so faux.

And, now, the national anthem of the NRA...

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Everyone has a favorite, face it. However, you’re probably not one of those favorites unless you’ve won a medal here. And since only three people won medals, that means that 3,359 of you aren’t anyone’s favorites. It must suck to not be a medal winner right now, since no one likes you. Too bad. No one cares what you think.

Although, I must say, that I was surprised I won the gold in this category. No doubt, you were all sucking up to me. No one likes me that much, not even my parents. None of you get anything out of this, other than the satisfaction that I am playing FM Static’s “Definitely Maybe” over and over again at the time of writing this. Oh, yeah. Sweet rapture.

Derek takes home the silver medal here since he’s the pimp of the forums and everyone likes him. You can’t go wrong with Derek, unless you’re a Vietnam vet, because you weren’t THERE. Derek also enjoys long walks on the beach, clouds and shiny objects. Anya, our favorite chat-fiend, came in third witht he bronze.

And, now, the national anthem of the movie Grease...

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Being random is one thing, but being random without spamming is another. Unfortunately, our gold medal winner here, representing Wooden Shoe Town, spammed to be random. Therefore, he is disqualified from winning the gold medal. Sorry, Chris. Better luck right now, when I award you the gold medal. Next time, watch your back, or I’ll take that gold medal away. Word.

Our silver medalist was our gold medalist last year. Keaton, representing the United States, is the mother cracking epitome of random. You should have a conversation with him some time. He’s one of the most random people ever to live, aside from Hitler and maybe penguins. However, according to Keaton himself, “Hitler got nothin’ on me.” Spoken like a true white boy trying to be a thug.

Our third most random person is Anya. Constantly begging us to go in the chat with her (no doubt some government ploy to get us to waste minutes talking to someone who doesn’t exist—TAKE THAT MULDER AND SKULLY) get her the bronze medal today. Go watch her be random and be amazed.

And, now, the national anthem of the Moon...

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Since the winners of this category are so smart, they should know what I’m thinking. WHAT AM I THINKING, MARK? HUH? WHAT? THAT’S RIGHT. YOU DON’T KNOW ‘CAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE.

Anyway, the gold medalist is Canada’s Markku Normandy. He’s really smart so he’ll know that the name I’ve just given him would be his traditional name down on the sandy beaches of Antarctica. The runner up is me, a person who only thinks he’s smart when the sun goes down. And, of course, our bronze medalist, Derek... like I said before, it’s all the monkeys jumping on his keyboard.

And, now, the national anthem of the Pacific Ocean...

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Personality, personality, personality... those three words make or break a person on the LPA. And since I don’t have any personality, I’m your host tonight. Much like if George Bush was to host TRL.

The member with the greatest abundance of personality is Derek, so he’ll be taking home the gold medal for this category. (Obviously not enough people talk to me—I’m oozing with personality. So is Mark, wink. CALL ME!) One conversation with Derek and you’ll notice that he has more personality than the word itself.

The runner-up, taking home the silver medal for Canada, is the lovely Seductress herself, Cassie. Being one of the sweetest girls on the forums let her get right up there with the best of them and take home the silver. Everyone’s favorite punk from the East Coast, Andrea, will be taking home the bronze medal for the United States and a gift certificate for 100% off absolutely nothing at JC Penny.

And, now, the theme song from The Little Mermaid...

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Face it: Most of you hate n00bs. But, on occasion, there are n00bs who stand out from the rest of the n00bs because their n00bly IQ is significantly higher than the number of carbs you’re allowed to have on the Atkin’s Diet.

Point-in-case, this year’s gold medalist has only been here for 20-some days and has already made her mark here at the LPA. HybridMinoda takes home her first gold medal for the USA. Michele, who has been here a bit longer, takes home the silver while Leonie (the newest Leonie) takes home the bronze medal.

Isn’t it funny that the three favorite new members happen to be pretty good looking girls? Hmm... nah, the guys here aren’t perverts... to anyone’s knowledge, at least.

And, now, angry ticks fire out of my nipples...

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Most of you know by now who’s more likely to go on a shooting spree and who’s not. Well, rest assured, I’ll be visiting everyone who voted for me as Most Confrontational with a gift basket full of C-80 explosives. Er, I mean, candy. The other people who’re most likely to bust a cap in your forehead were Casey, taking home the silver, and Cameron taking home the bronze for Canada. Too bad he's off at camp to accept this on time!

Either way, here’s the national anthem of Waste Management...

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Listening to everything from screamo to hard rock (although not heavy metal, surprisingly), Mark Spaghetti Incident from Canada takes home the gold medal as the person with the Best Musical Tastes. However, not to be outdone, the King of 56K Modems, Derek, takes home the silver medal for the USA. And, finally, the sexiest person in Delaware, EastCoastPunk, takes home the bronze medal for the USA.

And, now, a speech from Silent Bob...

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Proving that he can not only rock the music world, Mark comes back a second time to prove that he can rock the entertainment world as well. He takes home the gold here for United States Junior due to the fact that he watches eighteen thousand movies a year. However, superxero88 takes home the silver medal for the simple fact that he owns your soul and swayed voters to vote for him in this category so he can get more recognition and realize his dream of becoming an Olympic Women’s Gymnastics gold medal winner. Resident LPA moderator Nate took home the bronze.

And, now, a train...

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This is a new award for this year’s show. The staff member who has the best remarks when closing a thread is awarded the gold medal here, and this year’s winner is Derek. Not contempt with a simple “closed,” Derek goes all out to humiliate the person tenfold. Sometimes the people go crying to their mothers, but their mothers beat them and tell them to stop crying or they’ll send them to live with a robot foster family.

This year’s runner-up is none other than myself, Will. As for the bronze; Mark needs to stop winning awards. It makes it look like people like him. Other than that, he closes threads with a fury and is often seen knocking the teeth from the mouths of teenies.

And, now, the soothing sounds of my loud and noisy printer...

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Threads make a message board as much as its users make it what it is. This year’s most popular thread was, undoubtedly, Random Thoughts 3. You can always find people arguing, agreeing, talking, chatting, being random or posting strange conversations they had with themselves about cheese and other assorted office equipment in that thread. Random Thoughts 3 represents Trinidad and Tobago this year.

Taking home the silver is the Post Your Picture thread, the only place outside of Vegas where it’s legal to be a whore. A picture whore, at least. Post Your Picture represents South Africa this year. And taking home the bronze, representing The Vatican, is the controversial Anti-Bible thread that sparked many a heated debate and even got a couple people banned if I remember correctly.

And, now, Mike Tyson trying to spell “onomatopoeia”...

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This year is the first ever Keaton Award. Much like the Darwin Award but absolutely nothing like it, the Keaton Award symbolizes the highest level of potential anyone can get. Unfortunately, by law, you must be named Keaton to qualify for this award. In this its first year, Keaton edge out Keaton and Keaton for the Keaton Award. Congratulations, Keaton, for winning the gold medal for the United States. Also congratulations to Keaton and Keaton for winning the gold medal for the United States as well.

And, now, all of the silent tracks from nine inch nails’ Broken EP...

...

Two categories that weren’t quite good enough to amass graphics were the Banned Person You Miss and Worst Nickname categories.

Coming in with the gold medal in the Banned Person You Miss category was Project Nothing, representing the Tower above the LPA Laboratory where we keep all of our banned members. Representing the United States, Glenn’s old nickname, SaxopianoGRD, takes home the gold as the Worst Nickname on the forums, and probably of all time.

And, now, Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise”...

Medal Tallies (Alphabetical Order)

Canada: 6 gold, 1 silver, 3 bronze - 10 medals.
France: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze - 1 medal.
Netherlands, The: 1 gold, 1 silver, 0 bronze - 2 medals.
South Africa: 0 gold, 1 silver, 0 bronze - 1 medal.
Trinidad & Tobago: 1 gold, 0 silver, 0 bronze. - 1 medal.
United Kingdom: 1 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze - 4 medals.
United States: 10 gold, 15 silver, 13 bronze - 38 medals.
Vatican, The: 0 gold, 0 silver, 1 bronze - 1 medal.

Closing Remarks

Those were some great awards. And, I must say, I made myself laugh with some of the things I said. Again, please note that any comments I made were not meant to be offensive in any way, shape or form. If you took offense by anything I said, mail me $20 and I’ll gladly keep it for you.

Mark didn’t get to type up anything in this because he was asleep. Tough luck, eh? Hey, look. An unintentional Canadian joke. Oh, well. He won, like, 27 medals anyway. He doesn’t deserve anything more than that.

Also, as a special treat, Mark and I will be mailing Projekt Revolution samplers to each of the gold medal winners today! However, if a gold medal winner is already on the Linkin Park Street Team (where we’ve obtained the samplers), that person will be able to choose who he or she wants his sampler to go to. Make sure you suck up a lot so you can get a sampler if you don’t have one!

So, until Conan comes back on NBC since the Olympics caused him to go on vacation, this is Mark and Will saying good-bye until we post again in this thread!

 

As long as Canada brings the gold home ...

 

This is what happens when most of your admins are from the US.

 

boo no scotland

 

I failed my country

 

"Offspring of LinkinPark" hilarious Will.

 

Yeah, that's right.


I'll bust a cap in your ass, while supplying heated debates on Christianity, Evolution, and other blasphemous religious subjects.

 

I didnt get an award

But theres always next time.

 

Next years LPA Awards will rock even harder.

Since I'm hosting and all B)

 

I was nominated in like, almost every category.

B)

 

cool, 26 votes. Thank you.

 

i was nominated 4 times!! as sad as that is it still makes me feel better. i was 1 vote away for being tied at bronze for most random. damn you anya.

 

Hey!! I'm Dutch and got a bronze award! So three awards for the Netherlands

*makes Will edit*

other then that... Thank you all very much for voting!! I love you all!!!!

 

Someone voted for me in the Best new member... I feel loved




BTW, Mark, you put Avenger twice in the last line of the people who voted.

 

Congrata to Everyone

CASEY GOT ROBBED

 

Well Casey=hosting next year. So..whoever robbed him is going down