In the Mist Of Love. A touch so slow, so cold, so long, A sense so mild, yet bold, yet strong, A kiss so timid, a place never gone, My love so beautiful, the dew of dawn. A time so hazed, never to define, A heart so weak, excited is mine, A grasp to drag closer, farther from goodbye, The heartbeats, the breaths, the rhythm divine. A musky scent to ecstasy, A feel of skin greets me, A lure to your heart, my silent plea, Take me away, take me away from me. Our eyes shut tight, a hope for bliss, Not a momentary tragedy in all this, Waiting for it to happen, that timid kiss, Choked by words to say it’s missed. The silence held on us a realm of assurance, In a sphere held closer, riveting the sense, Nearer now than ever before, we’re tense, For but your face in my eyes, my vision is dense. Crave me, your heart beckons, Desire to love, before this ends, Need me, and I shall live, I shall be spent To love you my life, I’ll be forsaken. i tried my best not to make this one romantic poem a complete tragedy...i don't really like it, but tell m what you think.
I like the pace of the poem. If you're in the mood for a little bit of redoing, try inserting some more alliteration, I think it would give the poem some extra strength and make it a perfect piece of art.
point taken dusan. thanks for your comments guys...and no gan, this is nothing better than what you've written.
Honestly? I think it's beautiful. Some of the lines bother me, 'cause they throw off the tempo I've been keeping up, when reading it, but other than that, I love it. The first two lines made me know, I'd enjoy reading the rest, which I did.
This poem isn't bad, but it definitely isn't your best. A few times it seems the flow really got a little messy and it felt awkward for me how you dropped the rhyme scheme for a couple lines here and there. It was still really good though, and I could be being a little harsher than I usually would simply because it is coming from you, and I have higher standards for you lol. Good piece regardless, just not your best.