since i've been keeping myself occupied with art, i never took heed of my poetry, until now. did this about five minutes back and it took be approximately three minutes and forty nine seconds....hope you like it! Deadly thoughts. Can you hold on to those final moments? When you feel the blood run its last race, Is it possible to calm the torment? Can Death slower its pace? Will you live to see them cry? You don’t want them to regret, You had to explain, you managed to try, They didn’t understand, they only fret. It makes your soul harder to escape From all the material flesh, When covered in a sorrow sea drape, It’s bounded by the caring teary mesh. They sob. Why didn’t they care when you were there? These thoughts rouse a psychological civil mob, This pain you cannot bear. You seem to last forever, When you wanted to shorten your life, Your end seems closer to never, With the alarming cry of a lethal strife. What should you do when you find out, That it wasn’t anyone’s fault at all? And you are on the edge of you last shout, Bending towards your final fall. Won’t you then want to be the wreck? Who, yet fondly, would prefer to live? And now, there you are, nearly off the deck, Taken nothing, and nothing to give.
B) Nice, especially for 3 minutes. Remember that you dont have ot rhyme because it can make the poem feel forced. but im still stuck in the habbit of ryming so i wont critisise you much. I thought this was good. I liked it because it felt like this came straight from your head. Just letting your mind run onto the paper without thinking, which the rhyming took away for me a bit. But this is just my opinion, Keep up the good work, keep writing, and keep posting as me need more people to post in this section to give some confidence to our talented writers.
thank you, very much, David! you do sound very...um...concerned and professional...the girls must like that! and yeh, it did come straight from my head!
yes, david is. and so are you, man! really good work. This is a very meaningful poem, and as david said, it did sound like it came straight from your head. Keep on writing, i believe we're gonna see you around here a lot (or so i hope). keep it up!
lol I guess I should be the first person to post my comments for all the poems,coz everybody else tells what I want to everytime :angry: just kidding,yes I too feel that the poem came right from your head,but since you wrote the poem in flat 3 mins and 49 secs,I guess you would be feeling this for a long time,and one day your mind just vommited everything out it had,hope to rread more of your stuff,keep it up.
oooh, yeh i will be back for more...you guys rawk!!! can't have better feed back anywhere else in the whole cyberworld!!!