Crap... paragraphs aren't working Ah well... "I Don't Wanna Know" © David Boulton It was the 3rd October and Travis was sitting in his room, bored. His mind was blank of ideas, so he just sat there, bored. He was a fairly tall person, with brown hair that came down to just below his brown eyes, but usually he had it in spikes or had a hat on. He grabbed his guitar and started to write a new song for his band. Usually when he played his guitar he felt at peace with himself, but not today. He just couldn’t settle down and do something. He put the guitar down just as he heard a knock on his bedroom door. “Travis?” It was his mum, “Sally’s on the phone.” “Alright, coming…” Travis replied as he jumped up out of his chair and ran to the door. Sally was his girlfriend, and he couldn’t bear her being away for a long time without contact. He picked up the phone and started talking to her. “Hey, what’s up?” he said. “Nothing really, just wanted to speak to you.” Sally laughed. “Just joking. Having a good day?” “Not particularly… I’m bored out of my mind.” Said Travis as he daydreamed that she was with him. “Unlucky, you doing anything later?” She asked. “Nah, not really, why?” “Come round to my house sometime, could be fun.” Sally giggled, and then put the phone down, leaving the ‘fun’ part open to suggestion. “Cool.” Travis said to the dial tone. A few hours passed but very slowly and Travis left his house and started walking towards Sally’s. On his way there he saw his best friend Tom walking on the other side of the road. He ran over to him. “What’s up, mate?” Travis asked. “Let’s just say, erm, nothing.” Tom joked. “I’ve gotta go to the shops for me mam. It sucks, but someone’s gotta do it, and I’ll find a way to make some money out of it. What about you?” “Just heading over to Sally’s. For some fun, as she put it.” Travis laughed. “Lucky you, mate. Wish I had a girlfriend like her.” Said Tom. “You just wish you have a girlfriend. In your mind, any would do. Anyway, cya later, yeah?” Travis loved annoying Tom about not having a girlfriend. It could be classed as his favourite past time. “Sure.” Came the reply. As Travis got closer to Sally’s house he saw her standing at her door with a guy Travis had never seen before. He was confused, why hadn’t he been introduced to this mystery guy? He didn’t know, and wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Then his worst fears came to life. Sally kissed the guy and then he turned his back and left. Travis ran up to the house and hammered his fist on the door. Sally opened it and asked him where the fire was. Travis just stared at her. “Not funny…” he said, “And who the hell was that guy?” “What guy?” Sally said, trying her hardest to act innocent, “Oh… That guy, he’s my brother…” “First of all, you don’t have a brother. And second of all, no one does tongues with their brother… Not even the people in Alabama go that far!” Travis said angrily. “Okay, that was Mark. But I swear nothing happened.” Sally said, trying to make right everything. “I can’t believe you! You know what… We’re through! It’s over!” Travis shouted at her and turned his back on her and ran off back to his house. “No! Travis! I swear! Nothing happened! That’s why I made him leave!” Sally said, trying to regain some dignity. She felt really guilty. Then she turned away and walked back into her house like nothing had happened. Meanwhile, Travis was at home and in a really bad state and Tom was trying to comfort him. Since Travis had told him everything Tom had been comforting him by telling him how Sally was two faced and manipulative and how she didn’t deserve him. “You might wanna wipe your eyes, mate. All the girls will think you’ve gone soft.” Tom joked; trying to lighted the mood in the room. “It’s not that easy, Tom. It’s like, every time I touched her or kissed her or even talked to her, it was tainted and she didn’t even like me. It was all an act, and it’s sickening. I can’t believe she’s been lying all this time. She’s been fooling me for so long.” Travis said as he wiped his eyes. “Trav’, she fooled everyone for so long. Not just you. She’s a liar and not even worth it. Just move on, leave her behind. She’s the one that’s missing out, not you.” Tom said as he grabbed Travis’ guitar and handed it to him, “And just think… You’ve got more to write about now, yeah?” Travis managed a small smile. “Thanks, man. It’s appreciated.” The doorbell rang and Tom walked towards the door and said he’d answer it. As he opened the door he saw Sally. “Erm, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here…” He said to Sally as she stared blankly at him. “So, I don’t care. I’m here to apologise.” She replied and pushed her way past him and then went upstairs to Travis’ room. When she saw Travis she started to cry. “I’m so sorry! I swear I’ll never do it again and I swear that it was all a big mistake.” “Just go away, Sally.” Travis said back to her, “We both know why you’re here… To make yourself feel better. Not to make it better. You’re just a selfish cow and I don’t need you. I never have and never will do. So just leave and don’t bother to stop to take a second glance. It won’t be worth it, just like you’re not worth it.” “Fine.” Sally said, beaten, “I’ll leave, but take a look at what you’re missing. It’s never coming back.” Then she turned towards the door and left. “Nice one, Trav’!” Tom said with an approving grin. “Heh, thanks. I guess all the emo music finally helped…” Travis nodded at his CD rack. “Hell yeah,” Tom laughed, “Now let’s both go out and get us some girls!” Both of them laughed and stood up and left the room. Then Travis turned around and picked up a framed photo of him and Sally. He looked at it for a moment and then dropped it into the bin. “Well, it was fun whilst it lasted…” He whispered as he closed his bedroom door. Congrats if you've read this far and thanks for your time ...And what do you think of it? My teacher thinks that I need to make the part where Travis finds out that his girlfriend has been cheating on him more dramatic though. Like, an insight into what he's feeling or Sally's body language or something... I've gotta do a final draft of it still though so, yeh...
-_- :whistle: tut tut, that's not proper grammer the correct spelling is 'see ya' j/k . Apart from that I think it's really good
I think your teacher is right about the dramatic parts...Would make it a bit more, exciting...Pretty cool what you done so far...and Adam's right, if I was you, I'd use correct grammer, and spelling if I wanted to do well...
-_- :whistle: tut tut, that's not proper grammer the correct spelling is 'see ya' j/k . Apart from that I think it's really good [/b][/quote] Thanks for the comments. I need to work on the dramitic parts by the 1st of November so yeah... But I can't be bothered to I was told that it's at about a B now, which I'm chuffed with
Overall good concept. One problem I had was when you were narrorating it you seemed very passive, as if you didn't really care about the story and were just being forced to repeat it. More emotion (as your teacher said) would help this. Don't make people hear the story, make them LIVE the story. Also you should try to make a way for the description of the character to come accross more gradually, not just stick it in at the start. You could say things like "Travis missed sally. He missed her long blond hair, perpetually flowing aroung her ocean-blue eyes. He missed her but he had to move on. For her sake as well as his own..." Make it better than that oviously, I'm no writer, but you get the point. Lastly when you said "I never have and never will do." shouldn't it just be "I never have and never will."? Overall good job though, just fine-tune the details.
Woah, thanks a lot for the help I've gotta change the writing thing soon actually so I'll keep everything that you said in mind... Also, I think you're right with the "I never have and never will" part. Thanks again, it's appreciated