I changed my mind

Discussion in 'Serious Chat' started by Ophelia, Mar 8, 2009.

  1. #1
    Ophelia

    Ophelia LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    I decided I am not about to let one person drive me away from here.

    That being said, I want to share something with anyone who is interested in reading it, and that cares about me. This is really not easy for me to talk about, but I think it will explain a lot about me.

    I will be 35 later this year, and for approximately the last 22 years I have lived with mental illness. Actually, I have lived in a family that is prone to it for my entire life, but I have been personally affected since right after my 13th birthday. I started suffering from what was then usually mild cases of depression, mostly just being "blue". At the age of 15 things progressed to a point where I ended up swallowing almost an entire bottle of pills. This was the first of my two suicide attempts, the second coming when I was 18. To be honest, I can't really remember going for more then a few days at all in those years without thinking the world would be better off without me in it. The only thing I think that really kept me from attempting it with a no coming back option was my belief that God was going to punish me if I did kill myself.

    When I was 19 I was diagnosed with moderate learning disabilities. I was also given a full psych evaluation at the time and it showed that I had anti social tendencies. I think that this should have told me something more, but I didn't know anything at that point about what bipolar mania and depression really was. At 23 my Learning Disability specialist at the college I was attending at the time became concerned that I was possibly ADHD as well after I did all the research, wrote by hand and then typed a 28 page term paper in about 12 hours.

    Fast forward to a year ago. I lost my job and my marriage wasn't going well. I started having trouble sleeping or I would sleep for hours on end, and it was coming in cycles. On the days I wasn't sleeping I couldn't sit still for longer then a few minutes, and I was having severe anxiety attacks. I dealt with it on my own for a few months, until I went almost an entire week with no sleep. There were other things happening to, but I don't really want to share that part of it. I went and got on anti-depressants and tranquilizers. That was May 16th. I remember waking up at 5:00 am the morning of the 17th, unable to breathe a full breath and my jaw clenched so tightly closed that I couldn't open my mouth. It took almost an hour to relax enough that I didn't feel like my teeth were going to break.

    This was about the time that I started slamming my head against the nearest solid object just to have something else to focus on other then the anxiety. I was drinking a lot, and taking Lexapro and Xanax. Really stupid on my part, but I was just looking for anything to make myself feel better. It worked for a while, I had one really bad night where I ended up really scaring a friend of mine, and I pretty much quit drinking after that.

    In June I ended up having to change meds as my insurance company wouldn't cover the Lexapro, so I switched to Zoloft. It pretty much made me into a zombie. I took it for about three months, and didn't like the way it made me feel. I have been unmedicated since September.

    Now I am struggling. I hate myself more then I ever thought was possible. I am in a marriage that is in serious trouble, and I don't care. The night we went to see Alter Bridge he was so mad because our children were being a little hyper, that he threatened to slap me.

    I am tired, and I am broken. But I have my kids, and they are the driving force that keeps me going. I might over react on here sometimes, and I am sure some of you think that I complain or whine, but I really do try to be a good person and I think that I am extremely caring. Honestly, I was really surprised that so many of you asked me not to go. That meant a lot to me, and thank you all so much.

    Anyway, I am back if you all still want me here.
     
  2. #2
    Friskey™

    Friskey™ LPA Super Member LPA Addict

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    Good for you.
     
  3. #3
    $pvcxGhxztCasey

    $pvcxGhxztCasey meanwhile... LPA Addicted VIP

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    I have anxiety and severe depression as well. Going unmedicated like you, cold turkey, is an extremely bad idea. I did it for about a year and I ended up drowning myself in coke and smoking weed every day, all day just to forget, even for a minute, that I hate myself. After a suicide attempt after I got arrested in 2007, I got back onto medication (Prozac) and I'm ALOT better now. But, I guess it depends on the person really.

    My advice is to talk to your doctor about this. They usually know best, trust me. I'd hate to see you go down a dark path because you didn't like how the medication made you feel.

    :)
     
  4. #4
    Andrea

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    First of all, if I could reach through my computer screen I would give you the biggest hug ever.

    Even though I am only 21 years old, I have gone through similar things that which you have talked about in this thread. No, I'm not married and I don't have kids but I do suffer with depression and anxiety attacks. After I quit my job last year things really went down hill for me and I was diagnosed with major depression and insomnia. My whole mental existence was just...gone. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and I would throw up almost every single day, even when I didn't have any food in me. My weight got down to 102 pounds and I hardly had any meat on my bones. I personally did not think I was going to make it. I then got put on Prozac, which made me feel even worse. Then I switched to Zoloft and I didn't experience any side effects that I experienced with Prozac. It was the strangest thing. I'm still on Zoloft and it's the sole reason why I am still alive, pulled myself out of my insomnia and coping a lot better. I have been on it for almost a year now and it has definitely made my life a whole lot better. I still have certain problems that I am facing but those problems aren't enough to kill me anymore.

    In terms of your marriage, if it's that bad you need to seek action. You don't deserve to be treated in such a way and your kids don't need to see it and hear it either.

    Keep your head held high and hang in there. I know it's easier said than done but I believe you are strong and can overcome this. <3
     
  5. #5
    Chris Tucker

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    Welcome back :)
     
  6. #6
    Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    It takes a lot of courage and a lot of guts to admit such things about yourself, especially to complete strangers of whom you have never met. I admire your courage in posting this, and I can only hope that things get better for you. The first step to recovery is admitting your problem. Now that you have I think you can start working on the newer and better you.
     
  7. #7
    TheRockChick

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    It's good that you let all that out, I know how hard it must've been. And I really hope that things get better for you.

    Stay strong and believe in yourself. Good luck. :)
     
  8. #8
    Ophelia

    Ophelia LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    Thanks everyone for their support and understanding. It really does help, I just wish that I could find someone around where I live that is bipolar too, I have made a few contacts online, but they are all really far away from where I am.

    I just have to take it one day at a time I guess, just like I have been, and see what happens when I wake up tomorrow, and the day after that, etc.
     
  9. #9
    aki*lp

    aki*lp LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    Dear Jen, I'm really happy you came back sooner than you said you would. We're here for you :)

    :hug: :kiss:
     
  10. #10
    Messy Marj

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    You know I'll be there for you. :) :hug:
     
  11. #11
    Ophelia

    Ophelia LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    :hug: Aisha and Marj. You two and Penny are so outstanding. <3
     
  12. #12
    Jordan

    Jordan Secret Robot

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    Damn, I was so excited when you left, because i could get back in front in our post-count race.

    :lol:

    Just kidding, welcome back. I don't really have anything to share, but i hope you get better.
     
  13. #13
    _cam_

    _cam_ Well-Known Member

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    Dear Jen,

    As you notice you're not so familiar with me coz im just new here but I really want to grab this oppurtunity to congrats you for being tough enough to let out your story. People faces problems everyday and your story made me realize that in this world each of us struggle everyday. I experience depressions now and then. It started when I lost my father and grandma last 2 years ago. The feeling really sucks but I salute you for being honest enough to face your problem. One thing that I could suggest to you is be open to someone your problem. Have an outlet because its feels good that someone is there willing to listen to your problem. Seek medical attention psychiatrist would be helpful.You can PM me if you want someone to talk to. I pray that I could hear good news from you and your family. Don't lose hope esp. onyour family. I know there's a lot of ways you can save your relationship. God speed.

    -Cam
     
  14. #14
    Ophelia

    Ophelia LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    hahaha. Sorry, but I don't think that's one race you will be winning anytime soon Jordan.

    But thanks for the welcome back.

    Cam, thank you for your honesty. =)

    Casey, your story is really difficult for me to read. I have lost a lot of friends to drug use, mostly IV ones. I really hope I never go down that path. I am sorry your life has been so difficult.

    On a side note, I am surprised how common it is for Linkin Park fans to have issues. I wonder why that is? It might just be me, but it seems like a uniting factor among the fan base. But that could just be me being crazy again.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2009
  15. #15
    Dean

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    Fair enough, welcome back. I reiterate what I said in your previous thread.
     
  16. #16
    a life in ashes

    a life in ashes mercury summer

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    Welcome back, you have so much respect from me for being able to share things that painful on a public place =)

    Takes alot of strength, and I can only hope you're rewarded for that with things getting better for you =)

    As to the Linkin Park thing, that's probably what my Psychology dissertation is going to be on, the links between different social groups/music fans and life experiences (how rock fans generally tend to have had tougher life experiences than your average r&b/indie/generic pop loving preppy) and to see which causes the other if that makes sense, if there is a link./Random bit of uninteresting information,
     
  17. #17
    Jesse

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    Welcome back :)
     
  18. #18
    vasiab

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    Jeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!! Welcome back girl!!! And STAY!
     
  19. #19
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    You're a strong person, Jen. :hug: Best of luck to you. You really deserve everything to get so, so much better and just keep going until it's perfect.
     
  20. #20
    Ophelia

    Ophelia LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    Thanks Dean =)

    Ross, thank you. Are you a psych major? Sounds like it. Your dissertation subject sounds really interesting.

    :) Thanks

    :hug:

    Thank you so much for that Mali. Given our earlier, erm, difference of opinion, it means a lot that you have such nice things to say about me.
     

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