I decided I am not about to let one person drive me away from here. That being said, I want to share something with anyone who is interested in reading it, and that cares about me. This is really not easy for me to talk about, but I think it will explain a lot about me. I will be 35 later this year, and for approximately the last 22 years I have lived with mental illness. Actually, I have lived in a family that is prone to it for my entire life, but I have been personally affected since right after my 13th birthday. I started suffering from what was then usually mild cases of depression, mostly just being "blue". At the age of 15 things progressed to a point where I ended up swallowing almost an entire bottle of pills. This was the first of my two suicide attempts, the second coming when I was 18. To be honest, I can't really remember going for more then a few days at all in those years without thinking the world would be better off without me in it. The only thing I think that really kept me from attempting it with a no coming back option was my belief that God was going to punish me if I did kill myself. When I was 19 I was diagnosed with moderate learning disabilities. I was also given a full psych evaluation at the time and it showed that I had anti social tendencies. I think that this should have told me something more, but I didn't know anything at that point about what bipolar mania and depression really was. At 23 my Learning Disability specialist at the college I was attending at the time became concerned that I was possibly ADHD as well after I did all the research, wrote by hand and then typed a 28 page term paper in about 12 hours. Fast forward to a year ago. I lost my job and my marriage wasn't going well. I started having trouble sleeping or I would sleep for hours on end, and it was coming in cycles. On the days I wasn't sleeping I couldn't sit still for longer then a few minutes, and I was having severe anxiety attacks. I dealt with it on my own for a few months, until I went almost an entire week with no sleep. There were other things happening to, but I don't really want to share that part of it. I went and got on anti-depressants and tranquilizers. That was May 16th. I remember waking up at 5:00 am the morning of the 17th, unable to breathe a full breath and my jaw clenched so tightly closed that I couldn't open my mouth. It took almost an hour to relax enough that I didn't feel like my teeth were going to break. This was about the time that I started slamming my head against the nearest solid object just to have something else to focus on other then the anxiety. I was drinking a lot, and taking Lexapro and Xanax. Really stupid on my part, but I was just looking for anything to make myself feel better. It worked for a while, I had one really bad night where I ended up really scaring a friend of mine, and I pretty much quit drinking after that. In June I ended up having to change meds as my insurance company wouldn't cover the Lexapro, so I switched to Zoloft. It pretty much made me into a zombie. I took it for about three months, and didn't like the way it made me feel. I have been unmedicated since September. Now I am struggling. I hate myself more then I ever thought was possible. I am in a marriage that is in serious trouble, and I don't care. The night we went to see Alter Bridge he was so mad because our children were being a little hyper, that he threatened to slap me. I am tired, and I am broken. But I have my kids, and they are the driving force that keeps me going. I might over react on here sometimes, and I am sure some of you think that I complain or whine, but I really do try to be a good person and I think that I am extremely caring. Honestly, I was really surprised that so many of you asked me not to go. That meant a lot to me, and thank you all so much. Anyway, I am back if you all still want me here.