Things to Say in High Stress Days 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine? 3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 7. Do I look like a fucking people person? 8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 12. You! Off my planet! 13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness. 20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil. 25. Allow me to introduce my selves. 26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." 28. Better living through denial. 29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 31. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 39. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. 43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. 47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. 48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress." 56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. 57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you. 58. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 60. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now! 62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 63. Earth is full. Go home. 64. Is it time for your medication or mine? 65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? 66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 67. I plead contemporary insanity. 68. And which dwarf are you? 69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama. 70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 71. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? 75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!! 76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Thought everyone might want some interesting comments to use whenever the time arises.
I totally cracked up when I found these. Seriously though, some of them have been uttered a long time ago by my mother, who is the queen of sarcasm and snarky comments.