Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

Nothing much happened. She just blew me off and then I said fuck this bitch.

 

Fuckin' yay!

 

I know!

 

Love seeing someone happy in this thread for once

 

I've never been this happy, ever! It's an amazing feeling...

 

And you deserve it, of all people.

Even though it didn't happen to me personally, this made my week <3

 

YAY! *beams*

 

Oh my fucking God I love her.

 

Try and read between the lines...many things are hidden+you don't even notice...

 

A few things.

My fear. I know that sometimes I say that I'm not afraid of death but quite honestly that's a lie. I'm terrified of it. I'm kept awake from the very thought at night, which is one of a few reasons that I can not sleep and that I spend my time on a computer trying to hide from the fear. And sorry for the people I annoy on the internet who think I'm trying to “fit in”, because I'm not, I'm scared. I'm not a believer in a hell or heaven but I'm a believer in the possibility of one. And vis versa. What if I’m wrong in my disbelief? Nightmares plague me when I can sleep and I don't know what do to about my constant worry or fear.

Temptation. Lately I've been having these urges to do very stupid things. When I take walks and I see a car sitting there with the door open I have this strong urge to get in it and drive away. I don't really want to want to have this urge but I do. It's becoming an frequently occurring problem, the urges get stronger everyday. For some reason I just want to break something, or steal something or do something dangerous.
So far I haven't really done anything but I fear that with everyday I might someday.

Guilt. I feel so guilty for some reasons, and some reasons unknown to me.
There's some things that I did in the past that I'm not to proud of, and the thing is that none of them are extremely serious but still I feel guilty. I feel I need to apologize for things that weren't my fault. Some people say that I care too much, which I don't believe is possible. I wish I could help people in ways that I don't currently have the courage to. One of the things that I'm recently guilty of is explaining my problems with my stress because of my sister and her constant attempts at suicide or call for attention, I'm sorry for talking about these things to a person on this forum. Holliday, yes. I know that she's going through a very hard time right now and I explain my problems to her and I don't help her in return. I don't know how to and I feel like I'm being extremely selfish and self centered, I feel really guilty for it and I apologize. I'm sorry I don't know what to say, or how to help.. I'm sorry for you and what you're going through.

And that's it. Not do worry you with my problems or anything it's just that I needed to get some things out, the things that have been bothering me. I’m glad I let it out.

 

You're not the only one. I have the same fear and I too can't sleep at nights because I'm afraid of not waking up.

 

Why did I expect anything else? I haven't seen them in a month, and he's not even making the effort to come out and hang out with me. Yes, his mom's leaving for three months. I understand that. But he never saw her to begin with. So what the hell's the point? He never made it a point to stay home and spend time with her before when she was home, so why do it now? Maybe I'm being selfish. But this is just stupid.

 

Yayyy, I'm going out to some brunch thing with Josh today, then we're hanging out, and he's coming over for dinner with the family!! XD!


...Even though I had to get up at 6 am on a Sunday.

 

I'm so fucking happy! He's amazing to talk to, I feel comfortable with him and we've got so many stuff in common!
We'll see how it'll be tomorrow after school when we meet up...face-to-face.

*excited/nervous/giddy/loved*

 

This week's going to suck.

I hate Valentine's Day.

 

I'd like to point out that I went to his house to hang out with him last night before he left for school today. I was there for almost six hours and he wasn't so much as in the same room as his mom for more than three minutes, and it was only because his girlfriend was sick as hell and his mom was giving her medicine. There was absolutely no reason he couldn't spend the first half of the day with his mom (which is what he did, apparently) and then come spend time with his friends, but he chose not to, just like he does every other time he's home. This is so stupid. I'm losing one of my best friends.

 

I know the feeling.

 

OK so I thought this didnt effect me that much but after Saturday night I think it does.

My brother is getting married in a few weeks and I'm not invited to the wedding. The fact that im not going to the wedding doesnt bother me that much as seeing him marry her is the LAST thing is the world I want to see, but its just the fact I wont be at my brothers wedding that is upsetting.

Since she (the most horrible person in the world) came into his life, its like he doesnt care about me anymore. Or does he? Whenever shes around he doesnt talk to me or have anything to do with me. But when shes not around, its like he wants to be my brother again.
On saturday night I was at his best mates party (his best friend is more like my brother) and my bro was there without his fiancee (she wasnt invited). He kept doing silly things like stabbing me with skewers and throwing things at me etc, but in a playful way. And he always does this when shes not around. Its like he really does want to be close with me again but can only do it when shes not around.
I dont know whether to tell him to fuck off or pretend like the last 3 years doesnt matter?

It makes me angry that he doesnt stick up for me with her. Maybe he actually does want me at the wedding but cant stand up to her. I know she would have been the one to tell him not to invite me.
She makes me SO angry!
Ive never met anyone like her. She is the most self obsessed, selfish person in the world. Its all about her!
No one, including the rest of my family want to go to the wedding but at least they got an invite! The best man doesnt even want to go. He calls her the devil to her face!

Why is my brother so blind????

Maybe one day he will realise and we can be a family again....im just not sure Im prepared to be discarded one minute and wanted again the next.

 

Hear hear bro.


In other news, one of my two groups have friends have all decided they hate me... So I now have a good excuse to permanently change my group of friends.
Not that I'm enjoying having heaps of my best friends mad angry at me...

EDIT: Oh and Iron Maiden was FUCKING AMAZING last night.

 

Oh fucking well....

I'm used to it, no use crying over spilled milk. Just treat this day like a regular day...go to LPA, have a laugh, yadda yadda yadda.

Sometimes people need to get over it. Not trying to be a dick, but seriously.