Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

I'm almost done with my suicide note.

 

What the fuck, that's not cool.

 

Heh, I remember when I wrote one manyyyy years ago. My mom found it while snooping through my room and had a long serious talk with me. Trust me, it's not the way to go. Life does indeed get better. I've realized that over the course of time. Don't do it. <3

 

We've all been at a point where we've been thinking of suicide, but it's not the way to go no matter what way you look at it. Seriously dude, things get better over time. That might be an overused cliche but 9.9 times out of ten it's the truth.

I hope you see sense dude, suicide is never the right path to go down. I've lost a friend to suicide in the past, you have no idea how badly it will affect the people around you. Please don't do it.

 

I think a lot of us have been there at one time. I know it sounds cliche, but the pain you go through in life will only make you stronger in the end. As shitty as
life can be sometimes, it's certainly better than the alternative. Keep your head up and persevere. It'll be worth it.

 

As a former cutter who tried various times to kill herself, I have to say it's not worth it. The pain you put yourself through is only 10 times worse for your family and friends.

Let me tell you about my life and how I got over things.

I never had birthdays, Christmas, or Halloween growing up. My father was (and still is) a devout Jehovah's Witness. I was also short, fat, and also had just gotten glasses. I had gotten bumped up to 3rd grade only having 2 weeks of second grade, for having a 5th grade reading level. That may sound good now, but at the time it sucked being 2 years younger than everyone else in a cruel time of school. My best friend, my grandfather, had just passed away and my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to both me and my mother.

My parents divorced by the time I was 8, and my dad almost pushed my mom down the stairs. In a panic I grabbed my mom's cellphone and locked myself in my closet and called my grandmother. At this point my mom started drinking heavily, and I recall as my father was packing his things to leave, I was playing in the snow, and accidentally cut my wrists on a metal hose hoop we had. Instead of running to my parents in a panic, I sat there and watched. I passed out in the snow. My mother found me, but my dad was too upset at a second failed marriage to care. My father and I have had a shitty relationship ever since.

Now, fast forward to being the 2 years younger smart kid with horrible acne, still having glasses, but now add braces in 7th grade. I would totally hide out in my room to go on the computer, where I joined a now defunct webforum and met a lot of people who helped me through stuff, but I still felt very alone. My father at this point totally fucked up my emotions, stating "Rachel if you get any fatter, I will have to butter your legs to get you through the door." I've stopped eating since. Occasionally I eat, and Jay will tell you how rare it is that I eat, and how angry him and my mom get about that.

By 9th grade, I had found my first puppy love. He made me feel great about myself and was one of the first people to actually give me some confidence in my looks. He happens to be a member of this forum, and it's because of him that I joined LPA. Then on March 4th, 2004, I was almost raped. I was walking to my friend's house after school to drop off homework for her, when all of a sudden I was grabbed and pulled into a wooded area. Luckily he tripped trying to grab me after I ran away. I've been petrified of getting grabbed from behind ever since. Four days later, my "first puppy love" left me.

Traumatized, I started cutting. It was my only escape from my ever so shittastic life, because now my mother had started dating another abusive guy. It was then that I started to try to kill myself. I'd cut on my wrists and in discrete places, swallowing pills shortly after. I failed at every attempt, as we can see.

I started dating someone December of 2004, and he got me into drugs and alcohol really bad. Now here I was, a 13 year old druggie and drunk, cutting myself trying to end my "worthless" life. Jeff, my ex, broke up with me, and at this point, I tried to kill myself again. This is when I got my huge talk about neednig help. I turned it down, wanting to make myself better on my own.

I started writing poetry at this point, since the addiction to cutting was really bad still, even after the puppy love and Jeff tried to get me to stop.

And then I met Jay. And he was one of the first people to tell me I was beautiful. the first person to actually treat me with decency and respect.

We started dating August of 05. To break up January of 06. For someone he met on Myspace from California.

This was when I regressed into cutting and attempted suicide, to which Jay does not know unless he reads this post.

I started getting into dangerous situations to make myself feel better, since I was obviously never supposed to have anything worth of value.

And then Jay came back. And we've been together since. We are now engaged and planning on getting married on October 27, 2012.


So, what my long shpiel is saying is that I've been in your situation. I've written my fair share of suicide notes, and have attempted it various times. But in the end, it's not worth it, because everything works out in the end. My mom has a wonderful caring boyfriend. My father isn't being such a douche. And I'm in a happy wonderful relationship that makes me healthy. And I haven't touched drugs or alcohol or a razor since.

If you ever need to vent, you know where to come to, I understand a lot and have been through a lot. You are not alone.

 

I don't feel sorry for you.

Not trying to be an ass, but I hate people who kill themselves or attempt to. Stop being a pussy and stop trying to take the easy way out.

My sister was taken away from me, I had an alcohol and drug addiction, and my dad could die any day now. It's safe to say I've had it the worse and I never thought of suicide.

 

I think life's hardships are like the scratches on that brand new truck you just bought.

You don't want them to be there, but they give you (the proverbial truck) character and make you that much better of a person (or vehicle).

 

I've also dabbled in committing suicide. It's not worth it.

When I was a kid, I always had bad self-esteem. Adults and kids around me would attribute it to a 'stage' in my life, but it never ever went away. Anytime something bad would happen, I would find ways to blame myself. I never saw myself as anyone people would want to associate with. Anyone who befriended me, I thought they were just amusing themselves. I don't really know how to describe it. Everyone else was a perfect person and I was utter crap.

In middle school I was in counseling. I was told that I might have medical depression. Before I could actually be officially diagnosed and prescribed, I was pulled out because my parents didn't want to have to pay for all that. My parents did not want to pay for medication that could possibly help me.

Around that time I had my suicide planned out. I had a rope, a note, the whole shebang. But I couldn't reach my ceiling fan. Pitiful.

I really could go on but I don't like having to look back at that. I've already gotten past that and would rather not go into it.

But the main point is, there is so much to live for. Music, friends, love, I can't even explain how exciting it is be alive.

I guess going ahead of my rambling, we're here if you need to talk.

 

I need you to please get the fuck out of my life, you stupid fucking bitch.

 

I was in a similar situation. Except it wasn't so much that my family didn't
pay for it so much as they couldn't. I went along with it, hoping that the anxiety and depression would just go away, but if anything it just got worse. Now I regret that completely. Its gotten to the point where it has fucked up my physical health so much that some days its hard for me to eat or sleep properly. Plus I get these horrible headaches now. All I know is your mental health should be considered a top priority.

With that said, I'm still content with life and I always felt that suicide was the easy way out. That's just my opinion, though.

 

Most young adults have thoughts of suicide.

I think it has a lot to do with hormone imbalances. When you're that age, your body is going CRAZY and you're not sure what it is or how to feel.

All highs you get from drugs are just an overdose of the hormones you have in your body and brain to begin with. If you [generally] think about that, then it's easy to understand how one could be so unstable at this age.

I know sometimes I'm just insane and angry and crying and others I'm happy and blissful, but nothing much changes in my life.

It's all in your head...literally.

oh, and a support system doesn't hurt either. I know that I would be MUCH more unstable without my partner. He helps keep me healthy.

Bodily chemistry is so complicated. It is so very interesting but ohsomuch to memorize. ><

 

Why do I get the feeling that people are talking about me behind my
back?

What did I fuck up now?

 

I want to feel what Derek and Andrea and Rachel and Jay feel for. Lucky bastards.

 

I think she blocked me on MSN..i hope not..i want to talk to her today...its so boring sitting here

 

You will get that relationship soon. I can feel it.

 

Whoa! Where've you been?

 

I'm getting tired of being alone while everyone else seems to be finding someone.

Not that I haven't found someone, it's just that she hasn't found me in the same way.

If that makes sense.