Death Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by ChooseYourPoison, Dec 24, 2005.

  1. #1
    ChooseYourPoison

    ChooseYourPoison nymphetamine

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    This is my...coming-out-of-writers-block poem. Not my favorite but it's alright.


    The rain falls on the window and drips down to the base
    You want so much for it to land in your mouth and wash out the bad taste
    But you're apathetic to everything and the color has left your face

    Even things that once echoed have now become muffled and impossible to understand
    You're not sure how you got here, but you want to leave this place.

    You used to know yourself like the back of your hand
    And now when you see yourself in the mirror, you only see another man
    And all he wants is to live in a perpetual dreamland

    But reality hurts too much
    It feels like acid and burns away your flesh simply at the touch
    Once it lands on your skin, everything you thought you knew is erased
    And your mind becomes a barren wasteland

    All you need is for someone to call your name
    And grab your bruised and calloused hand
    But no one hears your pathetic, pleading cry
    And so you realize your defeat and you collapse on the ground
    From the heat that you can't stand and you're down to your last breath

    Your eyes are glazed over with death and you glance once more
    At the sky and meerly panting you cry "Please, God, let me die!"
    And with a crash of thunder, it's your wish it's finally granting.
     
  2. #2
    esaul17

    esaul17 antichrist

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    Great vocabulary and idea, but a bit rough on presentation and flow. A few lines also seemed rushed. Good job all-in-all.
     
  3. #3
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    You had a great idea going but the whole thing seemed far too forced. Keep trying. Writers block really sucks, hope you get over it soon.
     
  4. #4
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    I agree with the others, it seems slightly rough and forced, great words and ideas though.
     

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