Corrupt A Wish

You will now rest in peace.

I wish i didn't have everyone in the world killed and me not trapped in a coma.

 

Granted, everyone in the world is alive but have been turned into cannibals who hunt others without moral regard.
And instead of being in a coma, most land to live on is radioactive.

I wish I could stop wishing for things.

 

Granted, but you will now live in real fucking misery for the rest of your life

I wish I was a butterfly

 

Granted, but now you're not like me. Sucks to be you, bro!

I wish I wasn't so bored

 

Granted, here's a book! Read it and not use it as a nut cracker!

I wish I can have a cookie

 

Granted, but it's full of mold

I wish I was Superman

 

Granted, but now you shall fall into a kryptonite mine.

I wish for some tequila.

 

Granted, but before you can take a drink a hobo whacks you across the head and steals your bottle.

I wish that all my bills were paid off.

 

Granted, but you're out of money and had to loan loads of money from the bank to pay them off

I wish I didn't have to work

 

Granted, but you will have no money or family.

I wish for a piece of cake.

 

Wish granted, but the cake is made from manure.

I wish for money.

 

Granted, you get $1.

I wish for a break.

 

Wish granted, but you only get a Kit-Kat.

I wish for a dog.

 

Granted, but your dreams shall consist of Derek planking on top of Sheldon Cooper's head whilst Emma Watson doing the Macarena.

I wish my foot didn't itch so goddamn much.

 

Wish granted, but now your other foot is itchy.

I WISH I WASN'T SO FUCKING HUNGRY.

 

Granted, but now you have gained over 9000 pounds.

I wish I had a hug

 

Granted, I hug you and break a few of your lower ribs. Oops.

I wish I could see Emma Watson doing the Macarena.

 

Granted, but now Emma Watson has a skin infection.

I wish I could fire mah lazars.