Discussion in 'Chester Bennington' started by Kevin, Jul 24, 2017.
I will be here, sleep well!
It's time I come clean about my demons, and shed the veil that I've hid from my friends, my family and most of my loved ones. I've struggled with personal demons for almost my entire life (and especially in the last month), and in the wake of Chester's passing, seeing how many people have checked on me almost daily to see if I'm doing alright, it's forced me to take a cold hard look at myself and realize that I can't stay silent about these things anymore. Chester was struggling hard, and more than likely, for most of his career in Linkin Park the only outlet for these emotions was probably the lyrics he wrote. People with depression don't come out and say these things for fear of judgment or a lack of understanding, and I get him.
I say that I get him because I know what it's like to feel like people don't care. I feel like I push people away and that I cause friendships and relationships of mine to fail. That in my former friendships or past relationships, that my anxious nature lead to a lack of trust or jealousy that made me become a burden to those people. A weight that they no longer wanted to deal with, so they just decided to get rid of me. For years I've struggled with self esteem issues. Felt ugly when I looked in the mirror, wondered how people could possibly find me attractive. I've never had a relationship that lasted more than a year, and it's lead to me thinking I'll be alone for the rest of my life and never have the children I want to have, or never get married.
These same thoughts at times have left me feeling unwanted, or unneeded. In some cases, I've even found myself contemplating taking the same route Chester did, but somehow have always managed to talk myself out of it. These feelings have only intensified since my father died, because his sudden passing has left me feeling so horribly alone. The only solace I have is that I always manage to somehow realize, how absolutely fucked up I'd leave some things if I did what Chester did, and I force myself to snap out of it.
I'm worried even now how I'll be perceived right now admitting all this, and if this was a big mistake. But I need to get this out and do something about it because I'm tired of feeling this way. Last night was a breaking point, and I realized that if I don't let myself admit these things to others and seek help, that I'll keep going down a self destructive path and I don't want that anymore. I want to get out of this darkness.
You're not weak at all for talking about this Derek. Quite the contrary, you're brave to let this out. I know it's not talked about a lot but male self-image problems are also issues we need to talk about, especially for people between 15-30 imo. We have a lot to try and live up to image-wise, whether people believe it or not. And society expecting us to get married and have families makes that pressure that much worse. It could push anyone to the point of believing their own life has no value and there is no point in trying. Feeling like no one accepts you or that you'll never be good enough.
It's good that you haven't acted on suicidal thoughts. I checked into a psychiatric ward myself two years ago after attempting suicide. It did help me to find out my internal issues and also to meet other people who struggle with mental illness and feeling of worthlessness.
That was my experience though. We all deal with it our own way and at our own pace. I'm here for you at least if you need to discuss when these thoughts occur. It's not healthy to keep them to yourself because it creates this infinite loop of self hating dialogue in your head. Then you continue to believe the negative self talk that occurs in your mind. So please do let us listen and help. Thank you for sharing your struggle
You're not alone in this mindset, Derek. This isn't an attempt at belittling what you feel, by the way. The opposite, actually. For so many of us, LP were the saving grace that kept us from those negative thoughts, and if this tragedy has proved anything, it's that while we may feel alone, we're all feeling alone together. If that makes sense.
We have had our differences in the past, but if the influx of old friends has told me anything, it's that the LPA family will always be here for you. We're sometimes out of sight, but never really out of mind.
Mental health has such a bad rep in our country that you feel ashamed to feel this way, or are worried how others may perceive you because of this revelation. Something I've learned in my time on this Earth is that we're all more alike than we think. We feel like we're the only ones with this problem, when really that's just because we never see others when they're alone, and can't read their thoughts. We're comparing our lowlights to those around us, when we only see the highlights of others. You're not alone, and nobody (of rational and caring mind at least) will judge you for opening yourself for us to see. Family is there to support and pull each other through the tough times, because oftentimes we don't have the strength to do that for ourselves.
So I was ready to go to bed and fall asleep. Laid down and closed my eyes and then this awful thought crossed my mind and I was immediatly awake again.
Had to come here and register cause I just need to get this of my chest.
For the past few days I've been pretty much just thinking about the whole situation. I couldn't even believe it when I found out first I was kinda shocked. I got a little bit teary but that was it. Then yesterday I slowly started to realize that he's gone for real and I cried for 2 hours. My boyfriend wouldn't stop asking me why I was so upset but I just couldn't tell him. I've never felt this way about someone I don't know personally and it still feels so awkward.
And now I'm laying here and thinking about how Chester possibly felt. I mean we don't really know why but how would you feel if you were already depressed as it is. But you're having the courage to pour your soul out. You're telling the world how shitty you feel and put all your energy into creating this piece of art.
And then it just gets ripped apart. Your so called fans don't like it. The critics don't like it. People laugh at you and tell you to stop whining. They don't understand you.. noone understands you. Then you're going on interviews trying to explain the meaning behind the songs and you get a little bit defensive cause all these people make you look like a joke when you're not. And the people go mad at you and somehow you end up having to apologize eventhough you can't help the way you feel and it just makes you believe even more that noone really seems to understand. And then your best friend kills himself and you feel empty & alone..
I'm sorry I'm overthinking everything. I just feel so guilty cause I really didn't appreciate him enough when he was still around.
@Minus @Tony V It's just like, I hear what Chester said in that infamous 'cry for help' interview that's been spreading like wildfire, and I find myself nodding along and being like "I get you man, I feel for you", because my head can be a horrible neighborhood too. I think some thoughts that are downright terrible.
And I just wonder...is it normal to relate to him when he's so clearly talking about having suicidal thoughts? Or is it a sign of something I need to be concerned about? I just have found myself understanding Chester a lot since Thursday, and I have trouble figuring out if that's empathy or me going down my own dark path.
It does sound like it's a realization of your own thoughts. I would get some help or try to talk to people more about your thoughts and issues. I'm concerned and don't want you to feel alone about this. Once these thoughts open those doors, they can be hard to close. And you may continue to walk down that hallway of doors and open more. So it's important to recognize early on, it's never to soon or too late.
I've been saying for years that I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. That I'm scared what will come out if I sit down and think about stuff that's not useless or fun things there to just distract me. But I've never taken it to be suicidal.
You're not alone in relating to that Chester interview. I'm in the same boat. We're our own worst enemy at all hours of the day. To paraphrase Papercut, there's that face inside that laughs every time we fall.
It's something that we need to be concerned about, yes. But at the same time, we have support structures in place to help us with not paying attention to the voices inside our heads. We are greater than the sum of our parts, and the fact that you felt you could trust us enough to fall back onto us speaks volumes. That dark path will always be there for so many of us, but luckily your friends will always be on hand with flashlights.
If anything, it's the courage of everyone in this thread and the strength of all those who have spoken up that is making me fight against my own demons. I'm seeing how much I'm not alone, and how much people love and care for eachother (even strangers) and it's making me feel stronger.
A week ago I wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything. Now, I feel safe. Like I can let my heart out for the world to see. You guys are saving people in this thread, even if you don't realize it.
Thank you. With my friends on here, perhaps I can finally find my flashlight too.
Same here. Being alone with my thoughts is the worst thing that happens to me on the regular. I have terrible anxiety, OCD, non-existent self-esteem etc. However, I'm not suicidal in any way. I don't think those two things are necessarily connected. Even in that "cry for help" interview, we don't know if Chester was having suicidal thoughts. I guess it's something everyone has to figure out for themselves.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us, and please never feel like it is a mistake. I'm glad you're finally sharing it with people. It's gonna make you feel better with time.
My aunt passed away from cancer 5 years ago, and I entered such a self-destructive state that I thought I would never come out of it. It took me a while to accept help, even more to start taking medication. In the past I was afraid of telling someone I needed meds, 'cause many people put me aside because of it. But it got better with time, and I hope you can find that help too. We're here for you, and we thank you so much for being one of the people that brought LPA to life. We're a true family
I actually can relate to Chester too. I think being alone in a difficult moment is the worst thing one person could do. Basically, you're more vulnerable. It opens more possibilities of talking to the other side of you, that always would bring you down, and also could lead us to do things that we don't want to.
So, what I'm trying to say here is that we shouldn't feel alone or rare, because this thread shows that we share similar thoughts. We're human and we have this kind of problems, but the fact that most people are scared of sharing it makes us feel that we're the only persons with this feeling.
Conclusion: I feel the same as you guys do.
That infamous interview hits so hard. It's true. Nothing's wrong til you're left alone with that other you talking to you. The mind is a dangerous place. Never knew how to explain that thought process, but Chester did an amazing job explaining it in that interview.
Stay strong and know that you are loved. People would miss you of you were gone. LPA would miss you if you were gone. We care for you. People care for you. You are loved. If you keep having suicidal thoughts, please come back and talk to us. We can help.
This. Yes. Always this.
I think the music brought us together but our similarities, our struggles, and our respect for each other has KEPT us together. Even when we aren't always active or we go a while without speaking to each other I have never doubted that I have a family in this community.
I searched online for anyone, any group of people to talk to who may be feeling like me. I go about my day as normal as possible trying to hide this immense weight of sadness that's washed over me. I am utterly devastated by Chester's death and I feel so alone in my home. Music isn't healing this wound like its done a thousand times before. I'm surrounding by my husband and 3 kids who don't understand how I can show such sorrow over the loss of someone I've never met. Maybe they're right? Am I being silly? I feel like it sometimes as I sit crying on the edge of my bathtub. Mourning for a badass concert I'll never again attend, weeping for his family who's now left to pick up the pieces without this amazing person and try to carry on. Where do we go from here? So many emotions. Sadness is overwhelming but I'm angry.... Some at him but more at his dammed demons that dragged him down into this. He was a beacon of strength and hope for me, a victim of rape by my step brother at 13 years old... My friend introduced me to papercut and the rest was history. I followed his addiction struggles and battles with depression. Him pushing on kept me pushing on. Now it's broken and I just don't know where to go from here....
Welcome to our forums Stacy, you are not alone. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and you are not silly in the slightest. You've lost someone you consider to be a huge part of your life. We are here for you.
Thank you. It truly means so much. I feel empty and simultaneously full of regret that I couldn't somehow help him.
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