Chester Bennington Support Thread - We're here for you

I'm borderline and I knew it very early. I selfharmed first when I was about 14 and I always was someone who thought too much about everything and I did this even back then when I was a little kid.
By the age of 19 or 20 I went to a psychologist and told him that I have borderline personality disorder and she said that I'm right with that. I knew it by myself cause I read about it and I spent much time thinking bout my own personality.
I don't take any medication not do I go to a psychologist anymore cause I found that I'm better off helping myself somehow. I don't harm myself anymore and things..

Sorry for doubleposting.

 

I am very sorry to hear that I hope you'll eventually recover from that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

 

I knew when someone pointed out to me that I wasn't really associating with others. I then realised that I was only going through the motions with stuff and getting no feelings about anything other than total despair. The suicidal and self harm thoughts were liud and I could not be bothered to do anything

 

So you literally couldn't feel any joy at all in anything you do? What about jokes (if they were funny) do you laugh or is it forced?
I hope I don't make you guys bad by talking about your worst side.
I've been feeling very empty and not really looking forward to anything lately but I don't wanna draw into any conclusions yet.

 

Jokes are all forced laughter for me. I am able to put on an act so most people can't tell. If you are concerned about whether you are depressed you can search the Internet for something called a phq9. If you score 4-9 you have mild symptoms of depression. Anything above 9 is depression for real and would benefit from considering seeing a doctor or a therapist. I am currently scoring 23 on it so am classed as severely depressed. I am still managing to carry on a nearly normal life but motivation for a lot of things is very hard to find. I am a mental health therapist if you need to talk or ask more personal stuff so you can message me privately on here if you want to. I'm always happy to help people here as we are all suffering one way or another

 

The crucial moment for me was during highschool, and that was more than 8 years ago. I've always been a great student, I was obsessed with getting the maximum grades possible in every subject. I was bullied in elementary and middle school, I wasn't popular, I was shy and introvert, and was pretty chubby, so it was easy for others to pick on me. I was put aside many, many times too. I hadn't the best environment at home, my parents never realized I was hurting, and I just hid everything throughout all the years. I just kept piling up all of these things and I ended up completely exploding in highschool. I focused on the only thing I believed I was good at, and that was studying. I would study non-stop, wouldn't rest at all, would break down if I had any less than an 18, because it would be a failure to me. I already thought I was a failure, the only thing that could save it for me were my grades. It came to a point when I physically and mentally couldn't do it anymore, I was completely exhausted. I denied help many, many times. Only realized I needed it when one of my favorite teachers saw the state I was in and had a serious conversation with me. Since then, it's been a struggle between many psychologists, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and some traces of OCD meanwhile, my parents didn't know how to handle it because it just looked like I was a perfect student with no problems at all. I dropped from university, and it has been a struggle ever since, with my aunt dying from cancer during this phase as well. But we learn many things along the way. Thankfully I found the perfect psychologist for me, she has been there through most of it. She has helped me not giving up many, many times.

You're very welcome. And thank you so much as well, that means a lot. <3

 

Here is a phq9 for anyone who wants to check whether they may be depressed.

 

Man I swear most of the part could be an autobiography of me... I mean I was doing well at school to and people would only talk to me if they needed help in some specific subjects. Otherwise it would be just a hi and bye or they are calling me names. As for the rest we differ a lot but I can totally relate to your state.

 

Thank you <3 and no worry, you didn't make me feel bad. It's a part of me and I don't have problems to talk about it

 

We should talk about our mental health. As someone said not long after chester passed, it's not talking that got us here

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with something like that too. Like Carla said, you can try those questions to see what your possible state can be right now. Don't be scared to look for help. It can be tough in the beginning, but if you find the right person, it can help you a lot. We're here for you too. <3

 

As others have said, the point was more that you should absolutely try to help someone to the best of your ability, but they have the final say. And by being loyal fans, we did our best to help and should be proud.

 

Thank you ! I might consider that but we'll see how it goes in a few months.

 

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Listening to some music, I'm a huge Kelly Clarkson fan and this song made me think of Chester, especially the chorus and the bridge (lyrics below). You're still in my heart. It's gonna be alright.

 

Hi all,

I've been away for almost a month, doing some healing of my own and I was hoping to share some uplifting experiences that made me feel better, in the hopes that it might make one of you smile as well.

So firstly, I was in Europe for vacation, and I got to go to the Charles Bridge and St. Vitus Cathedral in Prague- both filming locations for Numb, which has been an integral song in helping me through the worst of my depression. I had planned to leave a photo of Chester at one of those places, but unfortunately was unable to do so. I did carry his picture with me to both those places, and it made me feel sort of connected to the band, I guess.

I also ran into someone in a Hunting Party tour t-shirt outside the Cathedral, and as we got to talking it turns out the t-shirt was a coincidence and he had no idea they had filmed Numb there! I'm not a religious or spiritual person in the least, but for some reason it felt like a sign. That encounter makes me smile every time I think of it.

On to a more personal thing- I've always wanted to learn to play the guitar, but kept procrastinating because I was too anxious to actually speak to institutes about it. I turned 23 this month, and I always felt embarrassed for being so much older than the kids who go there. I signed up for guitar lessons today

It's been a month today, and while it still hurts it's also shown me how unpredictable life can be, and motivated me to finally start focusing on doing things that I like and that make me happy and help me fight my depression. I never got to meet Chester, but I like to think he'd be proud of me

EDIT: Forgot to add- visited Hard Rock Cafe in Vienna, requested a bunch of LP songs in a row, and sang them out loud with a bunch of strangers

 

This sounds really good. I choosed the same way to help myself.

Even if i'm not in depression everything which happened made me feel that we live once and we just need to take everything life gives you. I'm proud of you. I started to learn piano and came back to writing lyrics. It's a small thing but means a lot to me.

 

how wonderful to see that people are taking their grief and using it to develop their lives and interests. I like to think that chester would have been proud of you all

 

Hey silver...

Everyone is different .. but from my personal experience.. I knew when I found I was awake all night worrying bout thing .. even the smallest thing would feel like something so much larger... I'd get up and just sit doing nothing constantly raking over thing I'd done or said .. dissecting every action or word.. only going out if it was absolutely necessary... crying at the most ridiculous things.. anything and everything could set me off...
I'm kinda getting that way again now... but hey hoo... I'll muddle throu and push it to 1 side once I go bk to work..

 

I've been struggling to find something to focus on... As well as losing interest in music as a whole, I've lost interest in everything else. Not even sure interest is the right word... But I just can't feel anything good at all while doing the things I used to love... I can't bring myself to listen to anything, even from other artists. I used to enjoy traveling in my car, now it's just a painful experience, which also brings me panic, because of everything that plays on the radio. I don't have fun watching TV, playing, being around people, doing anything... I hope this won't sound selfish, but seeing others doing things that are helping them makes me feel worse about myself. I'm happy for everyone, please don't think I am not. I love you all and I want you to be okay. I'm the problem, I'm upset and angry at myself for not being able to find something that would help me channel my feelings into something positive. I'm scared and frustrated, because I was already having a hard time trying to give my life some meaning, and the band was the only thing helping me most of the times. I don't have a job, I don't study anymore, and it's been like that for some years now. I've been struggling with fixing myself mentally and most of the times it comes off as me being lazy or not wanting to put effort into something. When trying to do simple things, to try to put my mind off things, I end up crying because I start panicking when I see it's not helping me. I come off as a child, a whiner and a fragile person. I had someone who I thought was a friend unfollow me on Twitter yesterday because "this was too much fragility for them". Sounds like such a trivial thing, but it brought me down even more. I had people turn my back on me before when I needed them the most, because they thought depression was something people can just switch off, that I was just crying for attention. I'm constantly scared of losing people, and I'm scared of losing myself even more.

 

What's your twitter name? I'm about to follow you, soldier!