I do think I have been okay yesterday. Spent time outside with family/friends so they served as a good distraction. I hadn't time to think about him much but when I did I had to force myself to keep it together because they don't know how I'm feeling. They don't know what Chester meant to me or that I'm struggling with something. For the people around me I'm just like I always am. But when I want to go to sleep it's so quiet around me that my mind starts going into overdrive and everything comes back. Tons of questions, questions I have mentiones before, questions I won't get answerd. Everywhere I see people mourning him, saying goodbye, saying how much they love and miss him, that he can now be pain free and in piece and so on but all I'm thinking what does it matter? He isn't here anymore! For me everything ends with death. I'm not religious. For me he just ceased exist. He won't ever get to know what is appening right now after his death. He won't ever feel again, love again, having new experiences, new memories. It just all stopped. He will be forever 41. He doesn't get to grow old and seeing his kids grow up. And nothing of this matters cause he is dead. I watched an interview from this year were he talks about what happend in 2015 that resulted in making this record. The band lost a long time friend to cancer. Chester lost his stepdad to cancer. He said he struggled with all relationships, that he was feeling depressed. He didn't want to do anything or see anyone. But he did say that it wasn't like "I'm going to kill myself" but like "I'm going hiding into a corner, not eating anymore and die". So no matter how bad his depression was there he didn't thought about killing himself. And that year he suffered a lot and for a long time. In another interview he said about that time this: “I came to a point in my life where I was like, ‘I can either just give up and [expletive] die or I can [expletive] fight for what I want.’ And I chose to fight for what I wanted. I wanted to have good relationships. I wanted to love the people in my life. I wanted to enjoy my job. I wanted to enjoy being a dad and having friends and just getting up in the morning. Because that was a struggle for me.” So he made it, he fought and he came out on top just like it can be seen in all his interview from this year, or his tweets. And then Chris Cornell committed suicide. For me it feels like if he had never met him, never formed such a strong bond with him or Cornell wouldn't have died then Chester would still be here. I don't believe that it was a mere coincedence that he did it on Chris's birthday, in a nearly identical way with a half drunken bottle of alcohol with him. Someone said that after Cornell's death he wasn't the same anymore. That is raising so many questions in me. Why did no one help him? Why did the death of Cornell erase all the progress he made? Everything from 2015 till May 2017 became pointless. I get that he was close friends with him but that doesn't mean that he should follow him to death. And that is what I think he did. Shouldn't his wife and kids have been more important than the death of Chris? Shouldn't he have seen how Chris's family is suffering and not wanting to do this to his own family? For him his suffering ended but he transferd it to his wife and kids. They will forever ask themselfes why did he do that? Why was Cornell's death so hard to deal with that he did the same instead of being with his family? I've read so much about his death now. And everyone saying that his demons were part of the deal and he lost the fight against his depression doesn't make sense to me. My brain can't connect the two together - him being like he was the first 5 months of this year and then him hanging himself. There are so many people sharing how he helped them, saved them. Talking about their own depression, and often about their suicide thougths and self harm too. I'm someone that is always affected by everything. I don't want anyone to suffer or die. But right now I'm just thinking what they are describing seems so much worse! There was no self harm with Chester and again he said he hadn't thought about killing himself. So why is he dead? And I'm getting so angry. Not to mention the dark thoughts I have about his death. Then I think about his poor wife. She has to be strong and take care of the kids. It's so rare to find your soulmate. Those two were soulmates. They were supposed to grow old together. Now this has been taking away from Talinda and it wasn't her own decision. He in his death won't care anymore but she is left behind to suffer. In a couple of years she will have lived more years without him than she was with him. When she is old and grey she can grab an picture of him - looking at his 41 old self cause that is were time stopped for him- remembering that a long time ago she was with him, shairing a life wtih him for a short while. This absolutely breaks me! LIke she said a sick shakespearean tragedy. And those kids will forever read everywhere that he hanged himself. And no matter how much everyone wants to remember him forever it will fade. This is how this world and life works. If a person isn't present anymore, when you don't get any news about them, when you are not around them anymore the memory will fade. I lost my dad in January last year. One and a half years were I didn't get to see him or talk to him. One and a half years were I lived so much, experienced new things and just went living my day to day life. So when I'm sitting down and think about I try to remember how his voice sounded or his laugh. And it gets hard to remember cause he isn't present. On thursday it will be two weeks since Chester passed. Two weeks since he gets refered as in past tense. And soon it will be a month, two months, a year and it won't matter anymore. We will have lived so many days since that fateful day. So many days were we didn't get any news from him that we will be so busy and cosnumed with our lifes that it just won't matter. I'm happy for everyone who can move on already. Who can smile while watching videos of him. Everyone who said their goodbyes to him. Even the band is moving on, retweeting stuff on twitter but I guess they don't have any other choice cause life has to go on. But I'm thinking about everyone literally saying what a perfect human being he was. Bright, kind, loving - he showered the people around him with love, caring for them and making them feel loved, he wore his heart on his sleeve, caring about everything and everyone too much. If there ever has been an example of a perfect human being on this earth it would be him. That is why I can't deal, accept or understand his death. He should be alive. This world would only make sense again to me if he is alive.