Chester Bennington Support Thread - We're here for you

I do think I have been okay yesterday. Spent time outside with family/friends so they served as a good distraction. I hadn't time to think about him much but when I did I had to force myself to keep it together because they don't know how I'm feeling. They don't know what Chester meant to me or that I'm struggling with something. For the people around me I'm just like I always am.

But when I want to go to sleep it's so quiet around me that my mind starts going into overdrive and everything comes back. Tons of questions, questions I have mentiones before, questions I won't get answerd. Everywhere I see people mourning him, saying goodbye, saying how much they love and miss him, that he can now be pain free and in piece and so on but all I'm thinking what does it matter? He isn't here anymore! For me everything ends with death. I'm not religious. For me he just ceased exist. He won't ever get to know what is appening right now after his death. He won't ever feel again, love again, having new experiences, new memories. It just all stopped. He will be forever 41. He doesn't get to grow old and seeing his kids grow up. And nothing of this matters cause he is dead.

I watched an interview from this year were he talks about what happend in 2015 that resulted in making this record. The band lost a long time friend to cancer. Chester lost his stepdad to cancer. He said he struggled with all relationships, that he was feeling depressed. He didn't want to do anything or see anyone. But he did say that it wasn't like "I'm going to kill myself" but like "I'm going hiding into a corner, not eating anymore and die". So no matter how bad his depression was there he didn't thought about killing himself. And that year he suffered a lot and for a long time.
In another interview he said about that time this: “I came to a point in my life where I was like, ‘I can either just give up and [expletive] die or I can [expletive] fight for what I want.’ And I chose to fight for what I wanted. I wanted to have good relationships. I wanted to love the people in my life. I wanted to enjoy my job. I wanted to enjoy being a dad and having friends and just getting up in the morning. Because that was a struggle for me.”

So he made it, he fought and he came out on top just like it can be seen in all his interview from this year, or his tweets.

And then Chris Cornell committed suicide. For me it feels like if he had never met him, never formed such a strong bond with him or Cornell wouldn't have died then Chester would still be here. I don't believe that it was a mere coincedence that he did it on Chris's birthday, in a nearly identical way with a half drunken bottle of alcohol with him.

Someone said that after Cornell's death he wasn't the same anymore. That is raising so many questions in me. Why did no one help him? Why did the death of Cornell erase all the progress he made? Everything from 2015 till May 2017 became pointless. I get that he was close friends with him but that doesn't mean that he should follow him to death. And that is what I think he did. Shouldn't his wife and kids have been more important than the death of Chris? Shouldn't he have seen how Chris's family is suffering and not wanting to do this to his own family? For him his suffering ended but he transferd it to his wife and kids. They will forever ask themselfes why did he do that? Why was Cornell's death so hard to deal with that he did the same instead of being with his family? I've read so much about his death now. And everyone saying that his demons were part of the deal and he lost the fight against his depression doesn't make sense to me.

My brain can't connect the two together - him being like he was the first 5 months of this year and then him hanging himself.

There are so many people sharing how he helped them, saved them. Talking about their own depression, and often about their suicide thougths and self harm too. I'm someone that is always affected by everything. I don't want anyone to suffer or die. But right now I'm just thinking what they are describing seems so much worse! There was no self harm with Chester and again he said he hadn't thought about killing himself. So why is he dead? And I'm getting so angry. Not to mention the dark thoughts I have about his death.

Then I think about his poor wife. She has to be strong and take care of the kids. It's so rare to find your soulmate. Those two were soulmates. They were supposed to grow old together. Now this has been taking away from Talinda and it wasn't her own decision. He in his death won't care anymore but she is left behind to suffer. In a couple of years she will have lived more years without him than she was with him. When she is old and grey she can grab an picture of him - looking at his 41 old self cause that is were time stopped for him- remembering that a long time ago she was with him, shairing a life wtih him for a short while. This absolutely breaks me! LIke she said a sick shakespearean tragedy. And those kids will forever read everywhere that he hanged himself.

And no matter how much everyone wants to remember him forever it will fade. This is how this world and life works. If a person isn't present anymore, when you don't get any news about them, when you are not around them anymore the memory will fade. I lost my dad in January last year. One and a half years were I didn't get to see him or talk to him. One and a half years were I lived so much, experienced new things and just went living my day to day life. So when I'm sitting down and think about I try to remember how his voice sounded or his laugh. And it gets hard to remember cause he isn't present.

On thursday it will be two weeks since Chester passed. Two weeks since he gets refered as in past tense. And soon it will be a month, two months, a year and it won't matter anymore. We will have lived so many days since that fateful day. So many days were we didn't get any news from him that we will be so busy and cosnumed with our lifes that it just won't matter.

I'm happy for everyone who can move on already. Who can smile while watching videos of him. Everyone who said their goodbyes to him. Even the band is moving on, retweeting stuff on twitter but I guess they don't have any other choice cause life has to go on.

But I'm thinking about everyone literally saying what a perfect human being he was. Bright, kind, loving - he showered the people around him with love, caring for them and making them feel loved, he wore his heart on his sleeve, caring about everything and everyone too much. If there ever has been an example of a perfect human being on this earth it would be him. That is why I can't deal, accept or understand his death. He should be alive. This world would only make sense again to me if he is alive.

 

Often suicides are a spur of the moment thing. When someone seems very happy and as if thier life is sorted and good we relax but this can mean that they have made peace with the suicide they will carry out. Chester had made peace with it, had made sure that the family were looked after. He is now at peace and wants this for us. You will find peace and you will move on as hard as that sounds now. You have done it before and can do it again. Are you crying out for help here too?

 

Very true. Someday we'll gain the strength to move on from this, hopefully.... Today is strange for me. Don't know how I really feel.. Ok on the one hand but sad on the other hand.

 

I love this, thank you for that!

 

So you say he planned to kill himself for some time? How could he plan this without thinking of the repercussions of his actions? Made piece with leaving his family behind? Not thinking how they would suffer? Not wanting to stay with them? He made sure that they are taken care of? Money doesn't replace him. He is at piece? No he is dead.

 

Hey, I just want you to know that you are loved and that people would miss you if you are gone
The LPA would miss you
Please get that help that you need. Because their are solutions and ways to get help and ways to make sure you stay alive.

You are loved and cared for. Thank you for sharing

 

Believe me when I say that all of the questions you have, I had and still have them too. I think we all do, in one way or another. I'm struggling with it. Sometimes I'm more at peace, other times I'll start asking all of this again. It comes in waves.
I'm not religious either, so it's hard to think about something after we're gone. And I've also read and watched the interviews you talked about. And specially that one, where he says he doesn't wanna die, he wants to be happy, live life and have great relationships, I truly believe he did. But all of those came before Chris's death, and I think that, in his head, it was too much. Like Carla said, it might have been a spur of the moment. That's what my psychologist told me yesterday as well. And I believe being on tour was helping him getting distracted, and he only started to process Chris was gone when he had time to think about it. He said it himself that being alone with his thoughts wasn't a good thing, he needed to be busy and keep doing things.
I can't tell you what went on in his head that night, we can just try to understand it a little bit, so we can find some peace and somehow accept what happened. Accepting and trying to move on doesn't mean forgetting. We'll never forget him. I understand what you mean with the years passing. My aunt passed away more than 5 years ago and sometimes I struggle to remember the good things. She was ill for 2 years and I mostly remember those, the times when she and my family struggled. But good people keep living through others. There's a lot of Chester in us. There's a lot of him in the band. He taught us and them so much. Regardless of what the band will do in the future, I know they'll help us, and we'll help them, keeping him alive. We'll find a way, I promise. I'm not saying I've come to terms with it. I haven't. But it's a long way. My psychologist told me: "Just be honest with yourself. Don't rush things. If you feel like doing something, do it. If you feel lazy and don't wanna do anything, give yourself that rest too. But never stop trying, it will get better." And I promise you it will. We're here for each other. <3

 

@YoMarques Thank you for understanding me! I think that's what I'm struggeling the most with. That it happend because of Chris's death. That's so pointless. Killing yourself because he couldn't deal with Chris's death. How is that a solution? Well for him it is cause he isn't there anymore. An accident or illness I could be able to come to terms with. But this didn't had to happen you know? I do believe that the tour kept him distracted. But even after the tour he was with his family and with the band. 5 days before his death there was a tweet of him in the studio with Mike and some other guys. The very day before he died he retweeted something. And then from the 19th to thr 20th for whatever reasons it excalated so much that he-sorry for being so blunt but I have to get this out- decided to end his life, choosing their bedroom, taking a belt and hanging himself from a door. You don't do that accidentally. And he has been drinking. A couple of hours were he is alone with his thoughts and it leads to something that he can never take back again. And all of this because of Chris's death?! And now everyone left behind is thinking about the why's. His wife and poor children. Later they will find out that their Daddy hanged himself cause he couldn't cope with the loss of a close friend. And they will be wondering "Why didn't we matter more to him?". Death never makes any sense but his was so pointless and could've and should've been prevented. Why didn't anyone help him, save him? I can't believe that dealing with Chris's death would be so hard for him that he would do something like that and do this to his family. I wish he would've called someone when he was alone with his thoughts. His therapist or going to a meeting. Keeping busy at home. Just anything at all.

I also read very often that people are going to their therapists to deal with this tragedy. I'm from Germany and going to therapists isn't very common here. So the LP communtiy is the only place were I can speak my mind and seek help.

 

Depression is a complex illness. There's many degrees to it as well. We don't know how bad it was inside his head... The only thing I can tell you is that the bad voices he always talked about, they took control that night. The Chester that loved his wife, his kids, the band, probably wouldn't think that way. I read here before and it's true, this disease want us dead. Those voices keep telling you to do it, that it's the better way out, that everything will be solved if you do it, etc etc. He had been able to control it until this point, but it didn't happen last week. I can't tell you why he did it, I honestly don't know. Chester said that "I know I do this to myself", cause it's the voices inside his head, it doesn't necessarily have to do with something exterior. It had to come from himself, I believe he also said this in some interview, he had to do that work, and he was doing it. This doesn't mean that others can't or won't help, but even if that help is there, the rest has always to come from yourself. We also don't know if anything else happened, besides Chris's death. But he probably remembered his birthday and that night, he wasn't able to control those voices.
I'm sorry if someone else might think other way, and if so, you all can share it as well. I'm not trying to say this as a fact, just trying to help you and everyone that might need

EDIT: I was just talking to my best friend about this, and she used a word that I hadn't written here yet. Blind. Depression makes us blind in our worse moments. So if it might help you understand, he was probably unable to think about everything that was good in that moment. Depression does erase that in our worse moments.
To tell you about myself, I don't wanna die. I do want the pain to end. In my worst moments, I thought about suicide. While rational, I don't want that, ever. So, the two things can coincide sometimes. It's a matter of how much we can take at a precise moment. If Chester felt that way in that moment, it doesn't erase him feeling well before. Unfortunately, this illness is like that.

 

I just wanted to say that when I am reading these posts I can somehow relate to all of them...

Today my head is back and forth – better but still struggling.


Struggling between he was in peace with his decision and why couldn’t he just fucking fall asleep drunk and just being a mess at the next day? Who knows. Maybe he just wanted to cry for help but failed. Why was he fucking alone that night when everyone knew what he is going through?


Then I think why couldn’t just fucking Chris stay alive? Or if I would not have been so busy studying for my exam and stalking him online who knows I may have written him a message that would have changed it. The day before, I somehow knew sth. Will happen but of course I couldn’t figure out what is. I had the same feeling as last year one day before another inspirational person in my life passed away in car accident. But this is honestly just my head processing everything and asking why can’t we just go back and live another fucking scenario. (Sorry for the languageJ).


Well we can’t. No one will ever be able to answer all these questions.

For me personally I kind of came to the conclusion just for me personally that probably all what he was thinking in this moment was that he didn’t want to feel all of this pain anymore. Of course you don’t want to leave your family alone but he wasn’t able to think about that anymore.


Somehow that day went so wrong. And it’s such a tragedy.


In the end I will somehow try to say “ok, we are here now, how can we at least someday learn something from that?”

It may be way too early for this but it will remind me in the future that I take care of my friends, that being sensitive and having a good intuition isn’t a bad thing... Reminding myself that – yes – this is the only life we have. It will remind me giving positive feedback is a good thing and


... I will find much more... he will stay my hero although it’s still so hard to accept or even realize his death ..

 

I also think that depression is a complex thing. There are moments and times when theres nothing can make you feel better. No matter what but you are in a mental level when you cannot even realise how many people is actually helping you or not. When you dont even have your family or loved ones in the mind. At first that is what i was thinking too, that he left us, his family and his band. He left millions of people. My thoughts was like he should have been fighting for us, for everyone. The people who needed him. But theres a level you cannot do anything, you dont know what is right or what is wrong. Im going trough the same many times. For what is worth we can guess but we never will know the truth, he bringed that with him. Sending all my love for you guys

 

When in the grip of depression we often become blind to the world outside of our heads. The negative thoughts take over and we can't see that they are thoughts and not facts. Chester was in a deep depression and had been in and off for a number of years. Even with therapy some people don't find a way out of it for a while. I experience depression and have had those times, the bad neighbourhood in my mind. I am currently medicated and that makes me feel worse. I'm a single parent so suicide is not an option as there is no one else to look after my child. Without her I would be dead by now

 

There are different levels i guess. The hardest thing is when u get into a level when u start to live only in your own mind. And very hard to get out from the prison of your own mind. This is what im going trough for years now. Im overthinking everything, im being paranoid about people, im loosing my friends and they dont really care. One of my friend is even sometimes making a comment that she dont understand this panic attacks i have and she thinks im using it as an excuse to not to do anything. Its very painful to hear.
Im very sorry for your situation. I also have a kid but he is not living with me atm, tho i am the mother. He is living with his dad at the moment. I was suffering with social phobia when i was in my younger years but i never really shown it. When my kid was born i got into depression.
Is there anyone who can help you? Do you have friends? Can you have a night out?

 

Btw i tried medication for few times for a few days but it made me feel worse. I stopped it. Im completely against medication.

 

Well, I just think the fact it was Chris' birthday was just one of the reasons. Like the band said, Chester's "demons" were always a part of him. He had a really rough life but he chose to keep moving forward. As fans, we've all been pulled forward by him too. We don't know what he was thinking of course but don't think too much about it because it might not have to do anything with rational ideas. For me personally, when I'm in a very terrible mood, the warmth of the people around me doesn't really register and I begin to think they're all putting up with me just because they have to. And then when I'm feeling better, I feel embarrassed by how dramatic my thoughts were. Being self-aware of such behavior doesn't help stopping it much. I understand that you're having difficulty coping with this, I do too. The idea that the singer that comforted me with kind words couldn't save himself is still hard for me to deal with. Ofcourse, something like this feels pointless, there seems like there's no meaning to it. But that's so often the case with death, isn't it?

The thing that has meaning is the life he lived rather than death I think. The comfort and joy we've felt because of him and the band, them giving us a place where we can all belong, the lives that they touched and the music that they made, those are all the things that have meaning and will never be pointless. After all, The journey is more important than the end or the start as Mike says

Anyway, that's my take on this. (If I sound a little out of it, that's just lack of sleep, haha)

 

This is true with me too. When we're in the middle of a panic attack, or when depression hits us in the worst possible way, everything seems wrong. When you're out of it, and you look back, and are trying to explain it to someone, for example, it feels a little out of place, 'cause at that moment you're now calm and you can't really explain what you felt in that moment, 'cause now it doesn't make sense. However, once it hits you again, the things that seem silly when you're okay, will seem like the worst things ever again.

This to explain that Chester could indeed be happy with his life, when he was rational he could see it, but once those thoughts hit you, none of that will make sense.

 

I want to share something that i have wrote to Talinda and the Band.

 

Somehow I can't stay away from this thread. Don't really have to write down my feeling this moment 'cause everyone here said the exact same things I'd say too. Feeling good to just read everything and feeling so understood by every single one of you. The exact same thing at the memorial yesterday. My family and my boyfriend- they don't get this. You guys do. I feel comfortable here.

 

You speak right from my soul. Thank you so much and everyone else here around. It helps a lot just knowing not being the only one with these feelings.

 

Thank you so much <3 this thread is really helping and inspiring me. I'm looking into taking a few courses on music therapy, because I want to help others the way Chester helped me. If nothing else, just spreading his legacy of love to one other person would make me happy