Chester Bennington Support Thread - We're here for you

@Hybrid and @Louis, thank you so much for being here for all of us. It means so much.

This past night was so tough for me... I broke down crying at 5am. I was a complete mess of tears and sobs, couldn't stop... I was at my best friend's place and she heard me. It's been so hard for her too. We've been fans of the band and together for more than a decade, Chester was our hero, he was the light we needed when nothing else made sense, when both of us struggled and keep struggling with suicidal thoughts and depression... It's so hard to believe in a better world for us, after what happened.
Trying to keep myself together to help her too, but we're both a sobbing mess, and I'm just so scared of the future. So scared of not being able to feel happiness again. The band was and is the biggest part of my life.

 

So funny the ice bucket challenge his face in the anticipation of it. Classic. Thank you

 

Take it one step at a time, taking it minute by minute and hour by hour if you need to!! We're here to talk and help as much as we can. It's hard right now, but try and remember the joy you felt when you found someone who really, really got what you were feeling. Remember the joy of finding a band that changed your life for the better. Most importantly if you're feeling depressed KEEP.REACHING.OUT!!

 

Thank you guys so much. Thank you for being there. It's good to know we can post here whenever we want, even if we keep having the same problems and thoughts everyday, and you guys will be there to hear it, all over again.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychologist and I'm not sure how I'm gonna tell her all of this... I'm scared she won't understand.

 

I know nothing of talking to a psychologist, maybe I'm on the wrong track with this but could you just tell her someone who meant a great deal to you died and leave it at that? I know it's not a good idea to keep secrets when you're looking for help, but really, you'd be telling the 100% truth.

 

Any psychologist worth thier qualifications and accreditation will not judge. They will understand the effects of loss and how this can feel. I am a mental health therapist and had 3 clients this week wanting to talk about it as no one else was there for them. None of which knew my devotion to the band and all felt heard when I gave them space to talk. I then spent 20 minuted in the bathroom after each one falling apart but i understood thier need to talk

 

Thank you guys. I hope she will understand and that talking will help me somehow. I haven't been able to do anything productive this past week, so I hope it will at least help me to start doing things again.

 

@YoMarques it takes great courage to open up. Psychologists are aware of this

 

Thank you so much, I'm proud of you all too :') <3

 

@Louis, it's nice to see you back here again Don't apologize for leaving, it's understandable because sometimes we all need to take a step back and look after ourselves, sometimes other people's problems become ours and it's difficult to heal yourself. Are you ok now?
Did it help you to write down your feelings that day on the plane? It's a good way of organizing your thoughts and after writing them down they should be read again. It helps seeing things from another perspective.
I've been thinking of doing the same thing like you- take a break for a while. This community, all these fans have been really great and supportive and I don't know how I'd deal with this without you but I've become too obsessed and forgot the outside world. Checking messages, reading stories about grief, checking twitter for new posts have become too much and it feels like I forgot to live. These past two days have been extremely difficult, my mood have been changing constantly. It's because I've accepted that Chester is gone, no more denial and grief and sadness are so strong. But...if I stay away from the internet a bit and start accepting people's invitations to go out (not that I have many friends as I don't make friendships easily but those that I have are precious) it might be helpful. I need to let my brain rest and start serious healing process. All of this have been both successful and unsuccessful and it's getting me nowhere.
Sorry once again about your friend, the way you keep mentioning him shows that you're not over his death but please take your own advice: if you're telling me not to feel guilty then you also should't. There's nothing you could've done and while those questions are normal you'll be lost in circular thoughts forever and never move on.
I've plucked up the courage and told my mum how I felt after she came home. I had this conversation in my head but it didn't go as I planned. Way to go, mother. She told me what I thought she would: I'm not myself for being upset over somebody I don't know, he's not my relative or my flesh and blood, it's only music and so on. Such a mistake!
She didn't ask me anything else, no additional questions and I should've known: she's an old school parent. Now I'll have to pretend to be happy when I'm around her.
And @YoMarques It's normal to feel stressed when opening to a new person but remember she can't help you if you aren't completely honest. Good luck and keep posting here!

 

Snipped a bit of this comment so that I could focus on the one portion that stood out for me. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your mom didn't react well to you opening up to her. As a mom that just breaks my heart for you. You're feelings are VALID and I hate that you have to pretend to be okay. That's not fair to you at all. I hope that with the lack of support at home you will open up here as often as necessary. How you feel is absolutely valid and no one has the right to tell you any different!

 

Thank you so much for your kind words, I appreciate them so much!
It's hard to explain, I know she loves me and would do anything for me but the world of entertainment doesn't mean absolutely anything to her, she literary doesn't know any celebrity and they are just some other people to her, she doesn't even think about them as she's been used to hard work her whole life.
This thread has been very helpful and I find comfort here

 

Thank you so much. And I will keep posting here, you guys help a lot.
I'm sorry your mom didn't understand your feelings, but never think they aren't okay to have. What you're feeling is perfectly normal and please know that everyone in this forum understands those feelings and will always be here for you

 

I'm glad you could find comfort! I somewhat understand where she's coming from with not knowing any celebrity. I don't know any current ones, only from my own younger years but regardless of that, she should have been more supportive of you. That bothers me, a lot as a parent. I don't know a lot of the celebs my boys follow but if they were to go through this I would be as comforting as I could be, because it was their feelings regardless.

 

I need to let this out. I have no one to talk about this or how affected I am by this. I am alone with my thoughts and have no where to go to.

Why does my heart feel so bad?

Does anyone out there feeling Chesters’ loss try to escape reality? I do.

I love fanfiction, I love Alternate universes. I have never been good at dealing with reality. So I escaped into fiction. It works perfectly with characters from books or TV shows and yes real people like celebrities too. But I found out these past days that it won’t work with someone who is dead. No matter how much I try to trick my mind it can’t keep it my fictional world.
As if it is there to remind what's real and what's not. But what if I want my AU’s to be true so much? What if thinking about and living this reality is so much more than I can bare?

What if we all go into an alternate universe where nothing happend and Linkin Park are on Tour right now?

Or one where they didn't start this world tour and Chester got help to deal with Chris Cornell’s death instead?

One where Chester wasn't alone walking around in this bad neighborhood in his head?

One where he called someone to come help him instead?

One where someone came to him earlier and could save him?

One where he is getting treatment in some facility after he tried the unspeakable?

One where he is now living at a cabin from this book his wife gave him?

I know none of this is true and no matter how hard I try to dream up this fantasies reality always hits me too soon bursting my fictional world like a bubble.

But what does it matter if those minutes where I do make up scenarios and alternative universes is what helps my mind to find some piece even for just a little while?

For those minutes my tired troubled mind can rest and be happy and I can smile!

I don’t care how crazy, unhealthy and insane it might seem for others.

If this escape into a fictional world is what stops my heart from hurting so bad and my head from exploding with thoughts and questions then I gladly take it.

It is all back to having a wild beating and hurting heart soon anyway. Back to endless crying and a headache from my poor mind who can't comprehend so much at once.

I take those short moments where my mind, heart and soul can rest for a while and I have some resemblance of piece.

I love you Chester. 13 years ago you helped me to manage to get through my awful times at school. I will never understand how It can be that I am still here and you are not.​

 

It just hurts. So much that I can actually feel physical pain my heart.
I have OCD and have suffered from depression myself for many years, but they always grounded me, helped me express myself to my family and therapists. My family and I have lost a great deal of family members and close friends over just five years, most to cancer and other diseases. My own father. Linkin Park have been my anchor through that and now once again.

But I also felt guilt. When Chris died two months ago, all I could think about was Chester. I told one of my friends, my sister, my brother in law, my mom, that I was so, so worried about him. My exact words were: "I'm afraid we don't have Chester much longer". As soon as I said it, I felt horrible, but it was me speaking my mind. I did it because I love him. I told my best friend of 16 years (we met because of Linkin Park). She was really worried as well. Then we just discussed the lyrics to One More Light.

I was with my mom that night (I live in Denmark). Were just chatting about music over a glass of red wine and a card game. Strangely enough, just an hour earlier we had talked about Linkin Park. I felt compelled to look at my phone, which was on silent with no vibration (holiday mode). I had 11 messenger notifications, 4 unanswered calls, 5 snapchats and 5 text messages. I opened the first one from a friend I haven't spoken with in ages. It simply said: "Chester is dead."
My mom saw my face and asked what on earth was wrong. I couldn't breathe so I just showed her the message. She just said "Oh no. Please God, no". I went outside and threw up. I started hyperventilating. Then I started sobbing while my mom held me. She had grown very fond of Linkin Park, the music and "those dorks" over the past 16 years and she has always appreciated how much they have helped me. Many times she said, she wished she could thank them personally.
We spent the rest of the evening just looking for any updates. It was true. I cried all night. I've cried every day since then. From silent weeping to full on sobbing.

When I got home from my mom's place, I was on autopilot. I went to my liquor cabinet, grabbed my whiskey, vodka and gin, and poured it in the sink. I would not make that an option for me. I've dealt with extreme sorrow the wrong way before. I just couldn't do that to him.

I knew I shouldn't be alone with myself either, so I went to see my best friend. She was crying as well. I've since then been meeting with people I've been to Linkin Park concerts and M&G's with. We've weeped, we've laughed and shared memories. We've shared our reactions and grieved. It has helped tremendously. It was only three days after his death though, that I could bear listening to their music. Once again, it has helped me beyond belief.

I'm forever in awe of the unique and amazing Linkin Park community, and I couldn't be prouder to be a part of it!

 

How did you know that something like that would happen? If you thought like that then why didn't the people around him???? This is messing me up more