Alright, this may or may not be finished, and an actually name is pending. I may stick with what I have, depends if I find something better. Anyways, this is what I've got so far. we create destruction to rebuild life no hope within a nation who cannot fight.. to tear down the walls means blood will spill trying to force kindess into those who wish to kill there is no pretending that it is all just a dream there is truth within despair we... create chaotic blasphemy bleeding angels and screaming demons you cannot hide behind the words you were told as a child there is no believing it will all just go away there is no hope when living in fear we... create harsh brutality global starvation and human weakening we cannot mix fact with lies we believe as truth what will there be left, when humans are finished creating
That was pretty good. I didnt like the bit in the last verse when there was only 2 word for about 5 lines. Your First verse is definently your best, i feel they get a bit short after that. All in all a see great potential in this poem and i definently think you should keep workin on it.
The last part is actually a sentence. "We cannot mix fact with lies we believe as truth." It's just spaced to how I would read it, or how it would be sang. : "We cannot ... mix fact ... with lies ... we believe ... as truth" It would be slow and each word would be sang a little longer. Anyways, thank you for the comments.
ok, i see what you meen, i always get criticism about that seem so cool in my head because i hear a tune to it. so do what you want. BUT I WOULD DEFINENTLY KEEP WORKING ON THIS POEM.
This is awesome,so little words used and still so much told,I like stuff likie this,but I was wondering it would have been great had you added a few more lines in the end,coz it feels as if it had ended suddenly(just my opinion),but overall the poem is superb,great work,keep the good work coming.
Just to clear this up, "What will there be left, when humans are finished creating" is a question referring to humans creating destructiong, murder, bloodshed, hate, it's just something that, in my head, would be something after the rest was sang, and that would just be said, like a little poem at the end of a song. Kinda like at the end of death blooms. Be anyways, I'm not finished, I'm planning on adding more. Thank you for the comments.
hey, awesome poem man! i believe this could represent life itself. Humans arent finished destroying, and therefore they're not finished creating. just as this poem. it would be kind of weird to write a convincing ending, cuz its just too early for the world to have one. anyway, you could work a little bit more on this and you'll have something close to a masterpiece of human reality. very well done though. dont give up. I'd love to see more of your stuff around. see ya!