You know, I'd change my name to something Capcom in order to own you so hard it's like you were an African American in Alabama during the early 1800s, but there are too many badasses to choose from. Who do you have? ------ PART ONE: SEGA OVERVIEW Sonic A blue hedgehog who has found great success in the world by curling up into the fetal position while going very fast. His attacks consist of accidentally hitting people while traveling in the fetal position and accidentally landing on their heads. He doesn't actually physically attack anyone. He's a high speed coward that protects himself with money. If he is broke and gets hurt, HE DIES. He fucking quits. Game over man. Tails Most well-known for being the yellow good-for-nothing flying sidekick. For the longest time, most people couldn't figure out whether Tails was a guy or a girl. I'm sure some of you still don't know. No, close that wikipedia tab. That doesn't count. His/her/it has only one well-known ability to the public, and that is being completely invulnerable. Yes, in Sonic 2, a common strategy is to use Tails as a meat shield. Not only does that mean that Sonic is a fucked up friend, but that the SIDEKICK is more durable than the main character. Knuckles Created just to complete the list of primary colors, Knuckles is an echidna. Face it, none of you know how to pronounce that shit and nobody fucking cares. What does this guy do? He also fetal spins. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE, says Billy Mays' ghost. He can also glide in the air. So he's a mix of Sonic and Tails. While he's semi-Tails-ing, his fists also hurt people. OH AND HE CAN CLIMB SHIT. Apparently it's a special skill in the Sonic world to be able to navigate terrain WITHOUT curling into the fetal position. Amy Rose Because SEGA couldn't figure out any other cool one word names, this bitch gets a last name. I know what you're saying, "ZOMG TAILS HAS A FULL NAME TOO LULULULZ." NOBODY CARES. A grand total of 5 people in this world actually knows this, and exactly half of those people actually give a flying fuck (an accurate description of Tails). Amy Rose is the first blatantly female character in the game, so it goes without saying that she's madly in love with a certain cowardly blue douchebag. What are her abilities? The ability to swing a fucking hammer around. Yes, that's right, the skillset of a Mexican immigrant fixing up your roof equates you to one of the 'heroes' in a SEGA game. Holy fucking shit y'all. And yet despite being the first person to have a legit weapon, she's regaled to sidekick status. ShaftShadow the Hedgehog ShaftShadow is an African American black hedgehog, making him the second. He is generally considered to be a grittier, more gangstahardcore version of Sonic. In addition, he also runs very fast and carries a gun. He was deemed dangerous by the government when he was created and got away by breaking outleaving in an escape pod to get out of prisonescape government persecution taking place on the penalspace colony ARK. So yeah, SEGA is racist. Rouge the Bat Some people see this character as a testament to SEGA's lack of spelling skills (ROGUE. ROGUE. ROGUE), but I see the name as sexist perfection. Think Moulin Rouge, the musical about a cabaret actress and whore portrayed by Nicole Kidman. Rouge is a white bat whore that wears, and this is copied verbatim from Wikipedia, "a black leather jumpsuit with a heart-shaped chest plate and arm-length gloves and knee-length metal-heeled boots, both of which are white and have pink at the top. Her boots also have pink heart-shapes over the toes that are used for digging." So let me recap here: Black leather? Check. Long gloves and knee-high boots? Check. An overabundance of hearts? Check. Random pink? Check. Gold digger? CHECK AND MATE. The second overtly female character in the game is a slutty whore who is only in it for the money. PART TWO: CAPCOM OVERVIEW Ryu So you've got this badass fighter trained in the martial arts. By definition he's already a fucking pro, and has more skill and talent than any iconic SEGA character combined. Now add in that he can shoot fucking fireballs. What?! This motherfucker can launch fucking flaming balls of fucking fire and hurt you with it. On top of that, he defies fucking physics and is able to uppercut someone 6 feet into the air. And do a spinning kick in the air for several seconds while spinning around 3 times. Do you fucking understand the significance of that? 3 complete rotations. That's a 1080. Tony Hawk needed a fucking half-pipe, a skateboard, and a billion fucking tries to land a 900 safely. 2 and a half rotations. Half a rotation less than a fucking Asian guy who just decided, "I'm going to jump and spin from a prone position." Tony Hawk had velocity, momentum, and the cheering crowd of thousands at the X-Games on his side. Ryu has a best friend who dyed his hair blonde and memories of his (at the time) dead master. Man the fuck up, people. Ken Much of what was said about Ryu can be said about Ken, except for one major, badass difference. [youtube]PXtHqbywqZs[/youtube] Look at that fucking Shoryuken, people. Uppercut for the uninitiated. First off, look how much fucking air that guy gets. Imagine getting your shit fucked up by that. One of those shitlickers in your face and you're about 85% to finishing your Mickey Rourke costume. On top of that, he uppercuts you so hard you light on fucking fire. Think about that. The caveman came across fire on accident, and is highly considered to be one of the biggest inventions since, well, fucking life. And this Asian guy (yes, he's Asian) with bleach blonde hair skipped all the bullshit and went, "Fuck you, fire from my hands." If Ken Masters were around during the Stone Age, I'm sure he'd be revered as a God. I'm actually not entirely convinced that he WASN'T there during the Stone Age. Chun-Li Whereas the female characters of SEGA games are extremely sexist caricatures, CAPCOM females are empowered as shit. Chun-Li works for Interpol. AKA the World fuckin' Police. She can quite literally arrest anyone in the fucking world if she feels like they looked at her the wrong way. I mean, well, she COULD arrest you, but she could also beat the shit out of you. On top of also being able to shoot fucking energy shit from her fucking hands, Chun's signature move involves kicking her opponent. Multiple times. In a few seconds. See the following video of Chun-Li kicking the shit out of a character named Vanilla Ice: [youtube]rL7u_qFOYQE[/youtube] Now nobody in their right minds would ever ask to be subjected to such pain, which is why she's one of the most fearsome women on the planet. Imagine being in a RELATIONSHIP with that kinda woman. Holy shit. Dhalsim You know who he is. He's the stretchy guy that shoots fire out of his mouth. Because he's walking around with a mouthful of kerosene ALL THE FUCKING TIME. That's boss. What's also boss is the fact that Dhalsim's character is a pacifist. A PACIFIST. This guy who absolutely hates fighting can pimp-slap you 4 yards away. This guy who hates fighting makes it a routine to turn himself into a human fucking flamethrower and burn the shit out of anyone who stands in his way. And look at this fucking guy. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SKULLS. Now I don't know the real story, but I'm going to tell you my take on it and pass it as the Gospel of fucking God. This pacifist kills his opponents and wears their fucking skulls around his neck. Because he hates fighting. Damn pacifists. Guile If you took the movie Top Gun, removed all the feminine bits (Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, volleyball, fighter jets and explosions) and replaced it with pure bicep, you would get Guile. He's a soldier that's so fucking overpowered he doesn't even carry his fucking gun around anymore. And why? Look at that shit, man. When Guile fucking FLEXES, waves of energy are released with the sole purpose of daring to ask the guy to flex. Fuck you Chuck Norris, but if Guile were to start using free weights in the gym, cities would be fucking leveled. I mean, all he's doing is FLEXING. He's flexing and fucking shit up. And what does he do when he's not flex-skullfucking the liver out of you? It takes a manly man to make a somersault look deadly. It takes a manlier man to do so in a fight. Multiple times. Next we have... Wait, what? I'm only doing Street Fighter you say? I was not aware. I'll jump over to some other titles then. Mega fucking Man Mega Man is, in fact, a boy that's so manly that you can't call him a boy anymore. This boy is actually a robot lab assistant placed reluctantly into the role of the hero. Did you hear that? This kid is a FUCKING LAB ASSISTANT. As in, the nerd you picked on at school every day. Armed with a small blaster. And he will fuck your shit up. The early Mega Man adventures were well-known for placing the blue robot against completely unreasonable odds. But did Mega Man bitch? No. He looks at your difficulties and laughs at them. Laughs at them with a lit cigar and an empty bottle of Chardonnay, because he chugged the shit out of it. He defeated an army bent on world domination. He did that and he only shot left and right. He never shot up, he never shot down. He had the balls to look his enemies in the eye before blasting the shit out of them. AND HE NEVER DUCKED. NOT EVEN ONCE. If it was too much to jump over, he took incoming fire head-on. Apply directly to the forehead. Head-on. Apply directly to the forehead. Head-on. Apply directly to the forehead. Head-on. Apply directly to the forehead. And that isn't even the best part. Certain enemies of his have amazing abilities. The ability to shoot giant fucking cleavers at you, the power to lift and throw boulders, flamethrower, etc. Once he defeated these pussy-ass bitches, he further taunted them by taking their weapon systems for himself. Now you have to imagine these bosses were pretty good friends. Imagine fighting this ballsy-as-fuck blue kid robot. Kid is brave. Then he starts using your friend's weapon. Now you know that this blue bomber killed your friend and is now using his weapon against you. THEN HE DEFEATS YOU and as you die, you realize that your weapon is the perfect weakness of another of your friends. Not only did he defeat you and kill you, but now you know that because of your failure, another of your friends is about to die. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FEEL NOW?! Part Three coming soon. Because there are too many fucking characters in CAPCOM games that are badass. Namely, all of them.