Blink

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by Linja, Jun 7, 2006.

  1. #1
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    It has been a while since I last posted something this long in Writer's Cove and I may just add some verses in various places, because I don't really feel that this is finished. I know this isn't very polished, I'd be grateful for your comments.

    ----------------------------------------------

    Blink


    I blink at you, because I don’t understand what you’re saying to me
    Are you trying to convey your feelings to me?
    Or do you want me to back away from you

    If you’d just tell me what I did, I may just attempt to remedy it
    You’re silent and impassive now, my question is that of an idiot
    And I don’t like the look on your face, it’s much too victorious

    You want to prove to me that I didn’t know what I was getting into
    And you throw my words back at me as though I had thrown them at you
    When I whispered them between brief intervals

    You’re not shouting at me yet, but I know it’s not going to be long
    Before you either lose your temper or suddenly burst into song
    Because I’m not backing away from you quick enough

    And I don’t want to cry, but the tears sting my eyes
    And the words sting my lips, but I won’t let them out
    Because I don’t want to die, and it’s certain to hurt
    If I raise my voice above yours


    Your voice is quiet now, and not quite yet dangerous
    When you threaten me with things not half ominous
    For my not quite ready mind to comprehend

    I don’t think you’re warning me, and I blink my tears away
    Because I want to understand before I break and beg you to stay
    And for once my eyelids listen and shut tight to stop the flow

    Thanks to some deity, you don’t notice my poorly hid tears
    Or you see them in my eyes, but choose not to play on my fears
    Maybe you think I am not worth it

    Your words always sting when you choose to use them coldly
    And your hand always hurts when you choose to use it cruelly
    I don’t understand why I’ve not learnt to back away

    And I don’t want to cry, but the tears sting my eyes
    And the words sting my lips, but I won’t let them out
    Because I don’t want to die, and it’s certain to hurt
    If I raise my voice above yours


    You won’t cut to the chase and tell me straight out
    You prefer if your meanings have something to float around
    And I’m left trying to keep up

    You beat on me with words, actions and feelings
    I’m trying to believe that you’re not really serious
    Your expression almost proves me wrong

    I know who you are and I know who you used to be
    And I know that under circumstances you let him rampage freely
    Because you’re tired of keeping control

    And I know that you’re a hero, and you hurt me with your words
    But the feelings that cut so deeply, I’m not sure that I deserve
    As your cig reaches the oilcan, and the shit finally hits the fan
    You can’t tell me I’m not reckless, I can’t say you’re not a man
    You can’t tell me that I’m spineless, as your body hits the floor
    I can’t tell you I’m not leaving, as I reach to open the door


    You open your eyes and the memories come back
    Of times not yet past and my foundations crack
    I remember everything you hid

    I don’t have bruises on my arms, my scratches are all healed
    And as your brown eyes reflect the heat, your feelings are revealed
    You’re sorry and you will not move

    I push at you and pull you with me, but you don’t want to leave
    You whisper at me, you’re not worthy, but I don’t want to have to grieve
    For someone I shared love with

    And in this moment all the pain is pushed to the front of my mind
    But I don’t care, and I won’t try to until I have located a way to bind
    You to me

    I don’t want to leave you and I don’t want to jump
    But you’re yelling at me now, and there is a lump
    At the back of my throat

    I won’t survive if I stay here with you, and you won’t survive if you choose to remain
    And I won’t but I will remember you forever, because everything I have started to regain
    Will be strengthened by your memory

    As words stream through my mind like fireworks, erupting at the top
    You close your eyes and kiss my lips and let your body drop
    To the floor

    I don’t think that I am pushy
    I don’t think that I am clingy
    I don’t think that I’m not ready
    I don’t know that I am ready

    I don’t think that you will hurt me
    I don’t think that you’ll desert me
    I don’t think that you will hit me
    I don’t know that you won’t hit me

    I don’t think I remember correctly
    I don’t think you’ve messed with my memories
    I don’t think they don’t believe me
    I don’t know that they believe me


    I throw the end of the rope out of the window, and I turn around and see
    A picture on my dresser and a different side of me
    That is still here

    And as I land untouched on the heated earth, I hear the sirens
    And fury swells up in my chest, suddenly there is more sound to the silence
    Other than the crackling of the flames

    I’m not bothered with the firemen, they won’t see me as I pass
    I have put on your black jacket, and as I tread barefoot down the path
    I take my picture out from the pocket

    And I don’t want to cry, but the tears sting my eyes
    And the words sting my lips, but I won’t let them out
    Because I don’t want to die, and it’s certain to hurt
    If I raise my voice above yours

    And I wanted to leave, and you wanted me to
    Live for you and for me, and the newborn life too
    Because I won’t be alone, I’ll have friends and I’ll have love
    I’ll have both happy and sad
     
  2. #2
    Janie Jones

    Janie Jones Meghna is a Headcase

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    I really, really like this. I love how your so simplisticm without being....stupid ounding or whatever. I could imagine this being sung as I read it. I guess it isn't that polished but it's an amazing demo-ish thing. I really, reaally like the last two paras. There are a few paras here and there where the lines gotta be changed a little because it seems like a little glitch in an amazing smooth song, but othere than that I'd give it a 7.45 out of 9
     
  3. #3
    Friskey™

    Friskey™ LPA Super Member LPA Addict

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    It's really long, but really good at the same time

    4/5 ^_^
     
  4. #4
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    Thank yees both <3

    Meghna, could you please tell me which parts you felt should be changed, and I can get to work on them? It's unpolished because I was suddenly "inspired by several different things that completely blitzed the original idea" and I wasn't sure how to smooth it over, to be honest I didn't really feel it was needed.
     
  5. #5
    Janie Jones

    Janie Jones Meghna is a Headcase

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    Para 1- perfect. Loved the woay it was worded.
    Para 2 - maybe it's just me, but somehow, I just dont see it smooth. If you say it, then...I don't know. Maybe it is just me...just consider the second line....
    Para 3- Beautiful. <3
    Para 4- :No problems there, fits in perfectly.
    Para 5- :thumbsup:
    Para 6- The word "ominous" bothers me. Then again, it still could be just meh.
    Para 7, 8 and 9- Heart. Special mention to 9, love the way it's put.
    Para 10- repeat. (duh)
    Para 11- 14- This, I feel, is the most honest part of the song.
    Para 15- Again, I feel the first segment of the line (As your cig...) somewhat crossing the perfect metre your poem has achieved.
    Para 16- 22- Somehow, it seems to have gotten a little emo. But not overboard, mind you, I think it's just fine. Pretty good, in fact.
    Para 23- 26- The pushy, clingy thingy (bad joke, *wince*) seems a little outta place. But otherwise, :thumbsup:, again.
    Para 27- 30- Possibly the best witten lines in the whole poem. Beautiful, and they narrate more content in a very pretty way, for lack of a better word.
    Para- 32- Correction. This is the best stanza. Most. Beautiful. Ending. Ever.
     
  6. #6
    a life in ashes

    a life in ashes mercury summer

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    A really good piece of work, well done as poem's as long as that are often hard to keep the reader's interest, but that one did.
     
  7. #7
    Janie Jones

    Janie Jones Meghna is a Headcase

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    An extremely valid point I missed out. Cheers, Mali! This one's for you- :)- [​IMG]
     
  8. #8
    sledger_spite

    sledger_spite Member

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    beauty
    really nice and touchy
     
  9. #9
    sledger_spite

    sledger_spite Member

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    i'd give u a 5/5
     
  10. #10
    nari

    nari Well-Known Member

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    liked that realy deep loved it
    xox nari :D :thumbsup:
     
  11. #11
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    Hm, thanks for the cookie, and the advice, but I'm so goddamn lazy right now I'll settle for just tinkering with the poem and editing it a bit later. Thanks a lot for the comments, and the advice, they were really appreciated.

    *jellybeans to everyone*
     
  12. #12
    the_musicman

    the_musicman Member

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    good. long, but good.

    4/5
     
  13. #13
    Seinfeld

    Seinfeld We are the nobodies LPA Super Member

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    ...it's not long...it's veeery long...but me liked it :)... (I'm not just saying I like it 'cause I want a jellybean...I mean...I DO want one....but the poem really is damn good :D)
     
  14. #14
    El Muerto

    El Muerto LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    I didn't read it when I first saw it, but now when I actually took time read it, I think it's very very good :)
     
  15. #15
    esaul17

    esaul17 antichrist

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    Great job. One of the longest poems I read and still enjoyed. Keep up the good work.
     
  16. #16
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    Oh, thank you four ^_^
     

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