Baah...second attempt.

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by Darcy, May 14, 2006.

  1. #1

    Darcy LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

    Sep 13, 2003
    Likes Received:

    I posted this, asked for opinions, and now this is the edited version.

    Thanks in advance for giving me your completely honest opinion.


    Safe talk, what the hell does that mean
    You've been borrowing traits
    From a vending machine

    There were times when you could light up a stage
    But the year's left you changed
    Now you light up the street

    Lately you've been torn at the seams
    And I've sewn up your jeans
    But I can't cut you free

    Ghost hearts, when the tide is just right
    They can come back to life
    Better left out to sea

    You've been caught between
    The different phases that stuck to me
    And maybe you were the one
    Between the victim and the smoking gun
    I was so wrong to think
    That any amount of change could fix
    The way you'd hit the floor
    Closed your eyes and invited more

    Bad news from the Polaroid front
    Once a picture of trust
    Now a frame we forgot

    Red lights always made up your mind
    It felt better to hide
    Than to make yourself stop

    False high from the graveyard shift
    You're just counting the hours
    Wishing they could turn back

    Pulses and an absence of God
    Maybe that's all we are
    Maybe we're proud of that
  2. #2

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

    Nov 28, 2004
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    Wonderful as always, Darcylove. There were a couple of parts in the last version that I really liked, but this one seems slightly better. I can't seem to decide which chorus I like best. The last three lines in both poems are great.
  3. #3
    Janie Jones

    Janie Jones Meghna is a Headcase

    Mar 6, 2006
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    I thought the verses were very cool. Urban metaphors = <3
    Seriously, though, I really like this. And since its a'll kick serious ass with some good music...The meaning isn't overly philosophical but it does make you think...
  4. #4

    Darcy LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

    Sep 13, 2003
    Likes Received:

    Thanks <3

    I love urban metaphors. They're my favorite things to write.

    I think I like the chorus to this one better than the other one. It means more.

    I really like the last lines of both of them so I think I'm going to write another verse so I can include all of the things I like.

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