<div align=center>Don’t Throw a Brick Straight Up The Stupid Person’s Guide to Life</div> – Don’t eat rocks. – Don’t take naps in the road. – Don’t stoke fires with your fingers. – Don’t throw a brick straight up. – Don’t breathe car exhaust. – If you ever meet the President, don’t offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket. – For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer—not your fist. – Walk around toxic-waste dumps, not through them. – Don’t stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm while using metal-fishing rods as pointers. – The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not meant for internal consumption. – If you need to get somewhere and a freight train heading in the direction you’re traveling just happens to be passing by, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes. – If you want to point on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your head. – Don’t flip off the mafia. – If you’re riding a bicycle downhill, turn your head before you spit. – Wash behind your ears—not your eyes. – Light birthday-cake candles from back to front. – Don’t shave with a lawnmower. – Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things into them. – Don’t stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets. – Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Don’t break them open and drink what’s inside. – The warning “don’t try this at home” really means “don’t try this at all.” – Don’t bathe in a tub full of snow. – Don’t iron your clothes if you’re still wearing them. – The expression “life in the fast lane” should not inspire you to live in the road. – Don’t heat hot coals. – Don’t try escaping into a jail. – Don’t wash floors with cough syrup. – Don’t kick porcupines with bare feet. – Better yet, don’t kick porcupines at all. – Don’t sled down hills with highways at the bottom. – If you’re going to sell your kidneys, try to only sell one of them. – Don’t lie down in a cattle pen. – Forks shouldn’t carry food any farther than your mouth. – Don’t test the strength of your skull with a nail gun—it’s not strong enough. – Only squeeze the hilt of a sword, not the blade. – Don’t snap towels at passing cops. – Don’t throw an angry cat straight up. – Don’t lick dry ice. – Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it’s right-side up. – Don’t pour salt in your eyes. – Your body has the correct number of holes in it—don’t make any more. – Don’t microwave yourself. – Don’t chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo. – Better yet, don’t chase a bear, period. – Don’t swallow toothpaste. – Don’t chew Tylenol. – Don’t bathe in gasoline. – Don’t sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump. – Don’t drink water than comes from anything but your faucet or a water bottle. – Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets. – Don’t listen to music by the Spice Girls. – Don’t lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish. – Don’t go swimming in a well. – Rake leaves, not people. – Shovels are for digging holes in the ground—not the floor of your house. – Contrary to popular opinion, you’re not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in. – If you want to chew gum, just buy some; don’t chew gum from the bottoms of seats at schools and movie theatres just because it’s free. – Don’t kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots. – Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don’t jump out of a window—use the stairs. – When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot. – Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether. – Walking barefoot on the sand is good, but walking barefoot on a cactus is bad. – Elvis is dead—get over it. – Wear clothes, not duct tape. – Use a potholder when removing items from the oven. – If you’re playing baseball and someone yells “heads up,” curl up into a ball and assume the fetal position. – Don’t drink. – Don’t drive. – Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller. – Don’t brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel. – When using a weed-whacker, don’t hold the end with the wire. – When using a blowgun—something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway—draw your breath BEFORE placing your lips around the barrel. – No matter how tempting it may be to be one with nature, stay outside of the fences at the zoo. – Give me all your money. – When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, you should press on the end of the tack designed for your thumb. – Toasters should be used to cook bread—not your hands… or forks. – Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
– Don’t take naps in the road. – For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer—not your fist. – Light birthday-cake candles from back to front. – Forks shouldn’t carry food any farther than your mouth. – Your body has the correct number of holes in it—don’t make any more. – Don’t kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots. – Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don’t jump out of a window—use the stairs. – Don’t drink. – When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, you should press on the end of the tack designed for your thumb. I should remember them :wth: .
that's great but here's a couple more: -If life gives you a lemon, throw it at somebody -There are plenty of fish in the sea does not mean that you have to date a fish. That's all I can think of now. I'll put more later.
Don't dry your hair in your bath . Don't call the 411 to know the number of the 911. It's 911 stupid. Toilets are not trash cans. Flushing big things could result in your toilet being blocked.