I had a really clichéd and uninspired title for this, "Drunk Dial Night," but for sure reconsidering that. In fact, I'm considering it a "working title." This is what the current version of this poem looks like: There are two earlier versions: and I've been told however that the first version is the best of the three, so please critique that one. If you like either of the other versions, do tell me in your review. Also, for those who haven't read my critiques in other poetry threads (or if those posts haven't been approved yet), DO NOT BE NICE. I want to make this and every one of my other poems as perfect as is humanly possible (though I think we can all agree that there is no perfect, especially in writing), and I can't do that if everyone tells me how wonderful and pretty it is. I want to hear what's wrong with it, what's it lacking, what I can do to improve. Do not hold back, but don't simply tell me it's shit; I want useful, well-considered criticisms as I've given two of you already (one poem for one user, two poems for Babali, as I believe his name is). Thank you everyone!
It's like you're reading a letter addressed to someone kind of. Though "A perfect night yesterday, tomorrow might turn into" should maybe have a dash like "--" at the end, that's just personal preference though. And the exclimation point, I didn't like it, mostly because it was the only one in the poem. haha. I'm strange.
On the contrary, I'm glad you said so, because when I showed those few others (from my Dream Theater forum and a fellow writer) each of the three versions, that exclamation point was the reason they cited immediately not liking that version. Others have said it was already adding too much to the narrative, that the two other stanzas stand well enough on their own and to insert that in the middle was as if to apply a crutch. I will disagree with you on your first point however, but only because of the way that I think the dash interrupts the thought; I put the comma there because I wanted that to be a continuation of that thought, as it would be in normal, everyday speech. At any rate, thank you for examining my work!
Well I get what you're saying about the comma, it's just that with a comma and then the first sentence of the next line capitalized, it makes me think that it's an entirely new thought. But again I guess that's a personal preference, I actually like the poem but in my head I see it more like this Nights like this make me a bit anxious, but only because I know better than anyone that time flies. Things could change in an instant. A perfect night yesterday, tomorrow might turn into The worst memory of your life You might mess it up tomorrow, And you didn’t really appreciate what happened until it was all gone anyway. ------- The parts You might mess it up tomorrow and, And you didn't really appreciate what happnened,I thought should be left how it was befcause messing something up and not appreciating are two seperate things, so if you had had a but there, it would have been okay for me. But ulimately the only real thing that bugged me about this poem was that exclimation point. You may have been drunk, But that was the nicest thing anyone has said To me.
Interesting...I think I'll try that. I feel personally like the poem would be so much better off without that middle stanza, yet I feel like it does sort of need a crutch there for some reason.