A device I tend to use quite often when I write is to take the name of someone important in my life (most of the time, it's the name of a girl I like) and use that as the form of whatever it is I'm going to write. I usually get very short poems that way. So in this case, I guess there are two parts to this piece even though I never meant it to. I wrote a short poem using the name of a girl I like (think of it like an acrosstic (or however it's spelled) where the first letter of each line spells something up and down), and today I wrote another using her nickname and last name. I don't know exactly how they work together, but I assume they are variations on the same theme. Kind of. I don't know. Either way, both of these poems derive from the same person. In any case, the title 'Variations of a Storm' is for the latter, more recent piece. The first is untitled, although you can assume it to be a prelude to the other. Comments on either or both are appreciated! ------- Hold close now, hold tight another twilight forever gone ever clear the stars will light receive the sky we live upon. Always night. Never dawn. Every note is perfection, singing out in a soundscape of white noise. Golden ringing, strung together to form a melody of life to enjoy. Grains of sunlight in a storm, thundering, rife with dissonant tones. Yearning for sight, the rain reigns over a missing harmony of stones. Kissing in the wind, two themes meet. Lips of melody and harmony meld. Intertwine to form a complete song. Stones of tone together forever held. My sun and your sea become waves of light, a tidal force of the tolling bell.
I absolutely adored this. Very nice imagery and your use of words was very pleasant. Nothing too heavy, yet still something to think about. The only thing that bothered me, was the structure of the last two stanzas. Other than that, I give it a 10/10 Very nice job.
It seems everyone enjoys the first poem I wrote. Yes, the piece that begins 'Every note...' is a separate poem. Which would probably explain why people liked the first part more. One of my limitations as a writer is when I attempt poems, each line is absurdly short. I tried to remedy that in the second piece. EDIT: Now that I think about it, the last two lines also bother me. I'll be doing some work on those right now.
The Imagery and vividness brings quite much to mind However, the narrative could be worked on, but nonetheless it's still good as it leaves much to the imagination!
I never said the first part was better. I liked it as a whole piece. I was just saying, as one whole piece, the last two stanzas make the whole piece look (I literally mean look) a tad awkward. Other than that, I found it to be a great piece.
Oh, I get what you're saying. Yeah, I didn't really think about that when I put the two together. I literally combined the two when I posted this thread. I have it formatted a different way in my notebook. This also is bound to change. Hold close now, hold tight another twilight forever gone ever clear the stars will light receive the sky we live upon. Always night. Never dawn. Every note is perfection, __singing out in a soundscape of white noise. Golden ringing, __strung together to form a melody of life to enjoy. Grains of sunlight in a storm, __thundering, _____rife with dissonant tones. Yearning for sight, __the rain reigns over a missing harmony of stones. Kissing in the wind, __two themes meet. __Lips of melody and harmony meld. Intertwine to form a complete song. __Stones of tone together forever held. My sun and your sea become waves of light, __a tidal force of the tolling bell. ---- On another note, I posted the second half of this on facebook and my high school English teacher said it was beautiful.
She's one of the coolest teachers ever. Had her my sophomore year, and was a teacher's aide in her room for 2 years haha. That and I didn't think it was really her, but turns out it was.
Brilliant. I really like it like this. It reads well and definately looks nicer. (I'm still friends with my german teacher...some of them are just extremely nice. )