I haven't written anything in a while, please comment! --- So we set up our booths Lining forgotten streets To sell our goods: Sex, pain, and deceit Just look at the deals! Broken hearts for ten tears! 2 for 1: Lust and lies Cash in your unfaithful years! How's this for a bargain: Your loneliness for mine Don't hesitate now Hurry, beat the line! But just off the record And behind closed doors I think I got the better deal I kept mine and yours Please come back tomorrow For my 'one-time-only' sale Here's your helping of sex You can send your shame in the mail Now take a free coupon: A V.I.P invite You can stop by anytime I'll be open all night
Please come back tomorrow For my one-time sale Here's your helping of sex Send your shame in the mail I don't know...that didn't flow too well for me. Maybe it's how I read it. But imo, this would work better: Please come back tomorrow For my 'one-time-only' sale Here's your helping of sex You can send your shame in the mail (Just a suggestion) Thes two lines didn't fit all too well for me either: And stop by anytime I'm open all night It just seemed to abrupt and sudden. if you made the last line longer, it'd flow much better. But other than that, I really enjoyed it. I loved the idea and most of the wording. 4/5 good job.
Hey, I took your suggestions of board. I may want to alter it more later, but thanks for the advice, I think it improved it for now .