Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

I am just.....hurting a lot.

 

The doctor thinks I might have diabetes. And I'm just 18. Will do the tests tomorrow. Hope everything turns out right.

 

Wow, that would suck terribly. I hope you're ok.

 

Part of me feels like she's still alive.

 

Ok, is it sad that I'm not pissed off at her anymore when I need to be pissed off at her for inspiration?

 

What happened dude?

 

can't believe i talked to her, can't believe all the drama that happened.

 

i just want to be a normal fuck up like other kids.

i want to be the kid with the less than stellar grades, the one who gets pregnant their freshman year of college, the one busted with alcohol by their parents. i want to be that kid, just for once, just to feel alive. i don't want the perfect life. i hate being the golden child, the overachiever. i don't want to be this person.

i hate being a role model, because i just don't like it. i wanna run away from everything and everyone.

i'm sick of this life.

i am sick of having to be the perfect daughter and the perfect girlfriend.

i miss jenn more than words can tell. none of my friends that i have now can ever reach that level of friendship that i had with jenn, except maybe erin. and that's because we live with each other, and spend about as much time together as jenn and i did. i fucked things up royally with jenn and now i'm paying for it.

if i didn't fuck that up, but fucked everything else up in my life and ended up with a baby, no boyfriend, no job, and no college, i know that jenn would have been there for me. and i stabbed the one true friend i had in the back over her dickhead exboyfriend. and now i can never get that friendship back.

and it kills me every day.

and no one can fill that void that i have now because of jenn.

and it sucks.

and this is why i've been so down for about the past year. because nothing is ever going to change how royally i screw friendships up, and yet can manage to double major and be in the honors program. being smart is NEVER going to get back her trust. and it kills me. it fucking kills me.

i don't have a piano with me, and i can't play guitar. i need the comfort of music, as i am at my father's house sleeping over and didn't plan on it, thus leaving me with NO MACBOOK. and my father has my headphones in his car and he's in boston, so no iPod.



i miss the comfort in cutting.

 

I hate this thing inside of me. It makes me want to take off. Just leave everything behind me and just start over somewhere new. I don't care where I would end up. I just want to leave everyone and everything behind so I wont fuck up their lives. I hate that Rachel worries about me during these days but if I left I feel like she wouldn't worry as much. And where ever I may end up no one would have to worry about me because I wouldn't attach to anyone. I'd just be a lone wolf, roaming the country.

Then there's the human side of things. Would I last without all my friends and family? Would I even last without Rachel? I would be thinking about her too much. Wondering how she was, who she was with. It would kill me, I know it.

I hate having my two personalities arguing with each other. And seeing her the way she was tonight didn't help.

Also, I'm losing my passion to sing. I used to be praised for my singing. But lately with everyone saying, "You suck." and "You're singing? Is that what it's called?" even though they're joking or not, it has brought me down immensely. I don't feel the passion for it as much as I used to thanks to everyone. Girlfriends, friends in school, parents, used to love it. Now it just seem as though I suck at it like everything else.

*sigh*

 

I know man

I did a random blood glucose test yesterday and it showed 5.8, which indicates that I don't have diabetes! That relieved some tension for me. But today I went to the hospital for the an extensive test, as recommended by the doctor. I will show the reports this Tuesday.

 

I just went through the same thing.
Turned out I didn't have it either, so I really hope it turns out the same for you.

The stress is shit though.

 

Thanks man.

Do both/one of your parents have the disease?

 

You shouldn't be stressed, no matter what it is it can be faced. You're lucky to have been born in the insulin era =P

 

Im outta here.

but i'll still be checking the news or if someone else leaves.

 

i don't know what to think anymore.

 

This girl sent me a message saying she's dating my boyfriend and that I should stop dating him before I get carried away, and she has a picture of him kissing her.

But her name on her email doesn't match her name on her myspace, and the picture of her kissing him she doesn't look like the girl in the other picture that she says is also her, and the picture looks like it's kinda old, from a year or two ago when he was a bit heavier.

But that is just what I keep telling myself so that I don't believe this, but right now I feel dizzy and like I'm going to vomit. I feel too horrible even to cry.

He sent me a message before she sent the email saying that 'this chick that absolutely hates me is going to send you a message trying to break us up but don't believe her.' I don't know which one of them to believe, and I don't know what to do............

 

Don't break up too fast, if you're gonna do it you have to be pretty sure about it and 100%. Don't let that girl get away with her evil plan. Confront your bf again and ask him, if you think he looks heavier then that's good because the pic isn't from now.

 

Yeah, I know I haven't broken up with him yet..... but something like this happened a few weeks before I started going out with him, and then something a bit less severe a couple of months ago.

Apparently the pic isn't him......I'm having a hard time believing that of course, but the pic is really small and kinda hard to make out, about avatar size, so that could just be in my head.........

 

well with photoshop you can do anything and if the pic is small then there's a really good chance that isn;t him, but let's see what happens.