A short piece, I was originally going to add on to it but I think I'll just leave it here. Comments and criticisms are always appreciated . --- Let Me Love Let me love Let me say “I love you too” Twisted thoughts And the things I owe to you But my heart But the blood within my veins Plague my mind Am I the cause of all your pain? Hear me out No, I cannot speak those words Not the truth Count the seconds by the thirds Take my hand Though I know not where to go I'm your friend But I double as your foe Yes it's true You deserve much more than this Don't complain Don't you want another kiss? So let's fuck And pretend you're not in pain If you cry Well, we'll just do it all again And with time Well I might just fall in love And if not... I'll be gentle when I shove
It's alright but.. you want it to be more gentle here are a little suggestions So let's get rough And pretend you're not in pain If you cry Well, we'll just do it all again And with time Well I might just fall in love And if not... I'll be the gentle sun setting in
I was trying to maintain a 3-7-3-7...structuring (as in, the syllables per line) though, and that would break it.
Make it rough And pretend you're not in pain If you cry Well, we'll just do it all again And with time Well I might just fall in love And if not... I'll be gentle like a dove
I like it a lot. Just the lines "But my heart But the blood within my veins" Didn't work to well for me. The second 'but' kinda ruined the flow imo. Also, I disagree with gan. Fuck works absolutely billiantly and 'gentle as a dove'?...sorry but that just sounds so cheesy. Doesn't work well at all imo.
Yes, I also found the "dove" part kind of cheesy, no offense of course. Thanks a lot for both your comments though
No offense taken, I don't like it either.. I dunno why I suggested it because thinking about it it's not cheesy it's horrific. But I was in the mind frame of that if people that know nothing about poetry read it they would think "Oh, yeah nice way to spice up a poem use the most popular curse word there is) but.. thinking bout it it works
Yeah, I avoid cursing for the sake of cursing but...I wanted that part to sound crude and vulgar, so that is why "fuck" worked well.