I haven't posted anything in here for ages but during our contest I couldn't post anything so here's something I wrote in between. ***** My cold bathroom tiles. The cold bathroom tiles melt against my back, the world is nothing without a moment to relax I realise now but it's way too late. That, everything dissolves when you're with me. Why won't you stay with me, tonight. (chorus) Now you're comforting me and I forget about all the reasons I got mad. Oh, I can't get mad now. Now you're here with me tonight. A strange atmosphere for all the people out here. Walking by, they can't find peace. I know the world's nothing without a sense of release. Relieve, Is what I feel when you're with me. Why won't you stay with me, tonight. (chorus) And all, I long for are those cold bathroom tiles. And all I want to feel, are those cold bathroom tiles melt against my back (chorus). So let go and don't hold on like all the times before. So let go and my bathroom tiles are yours tonight. ***** Opinions or advice?
It's good but I think some parts could be improved. I'm sure you could look through it and find some better expressions to put in. Other than that it's quite good. Oh yeah, name it something different
Yeah, I guess I'm not very good at writing stuff... I'll work on it. I'll think about another name too. Thanks for replying, Hellflame.
It's not that your not good at writing....the ideas there ....just the wording seems just slightley off on a few parts (not all of it)...other than that it's awesome
My cold bathroom tiles. first off im not really liking the title. it gives the impression the song hold no good topic to it. title suggestion=here with me The cold bathroom tiles melt against my back, the world is nothing without a moment to relax I realize now but it's way too late. That, everything dissolves when you're with me. Why won't you stay with me, tonight. hmm, i like how you start off in this stanza. it has an extreme opening line. but as you go into the second line it lets you down. don't get me wrong the second line is a good one. but the way you do line one you expect another extreme line. you could gradually step down if you want. the third line make the flow run off a bit. ant the fourth line if thats what you call it, really throws the flow off. if i had to guess the reason behind that line. i would guess a abrupt stop in the music with the word spoken. this is good in a song at times. but in this song i don't think its a good idea. i also like how you progress from one idea into another within this stanza. id watch out when you do this though. because if you don't you will move all over the place. and that makes it hard for the listener to keep up. the last line kind of sounds out of place. id suggest rewriting it to make it fit with the stanza.i noticed you aren't rhyming in this also. you don't have to rhyme every time in a song. but sometimes it helps to make the song more solid. id suggest making this one rhyme though. it would help to bring it together a bit more. (chorus) Now you're comforting me and I forget about all the reasons I got mad. Oh, I can't get mad now. Now you're here with me tonight. hmm, well first off you changed stanza structure without warning. you split the lines up in mid-sentance. this is a good stanza to follow the previous one. i don't like how you ended this the same as the previous one. it gives it a little bit more difficulty to progress into the next stanza. i also suggest giving this a rhyming scheme for it also. id rewrite this as well. its good point of view of the previous stanza. the flow is good but, its to different then the previous one to work. A strange atmosphere for all the people out here. Walking by, they can't find peace. I know the world's nothing without a sense of release. Relieve, Is what I feel when you're with me. Why won't you stay with me, tonight. hmm, i see you did the last line again. also you went back to the stanza structure you had in the first stanza. i don't think the way you made the astronomy references fit well in the song. id make the metaphors a bit more stronger. in-fact id suggest putting stronger metaphors in the whole song. id rewrite this stanza. it sounds pretty much exactly the same message as the first stanzas. id suggest trying to go at another point of view if you can or something different. (chorus) And all, I long for are those cold bathroom tiles. And all I want to feel, are those cold bathroom tiles melt against my back this look like your bridge so id try another approach then. sounds to much like the other stanzas. (chorus). So let go and don't hold on like all the times before. So let go and my bathroom tiles are yours tonight. and this outro i guess thats what it is. why don't you add this onto the previous stanza im guess was your bridge. and work on the two lines so the leave the listener isn't feeling like they are left hanging. cliff hangers are cool in songs, only when you have a strong enough content structure. with this one i wouldn't try it. this isn't one that id end with a cliff hanger. ***** Opinions or advice?[/QUOTE]
Wow, you really took your time to review this. Thanks, I'll try to work on it some more. I hope it'll improve a lot, thanks to all that advice you gave me.
I worked on it a little more and this is what I came up with so far: Here with me The bathroom tiles are cold against my back. They melt like the world when it's out of time to relax. I realise now that it's way too late But everything disappears when you're here with me. Face to face or back to back. Trying to find a moment to relax. Now you're comforting me and I forget, About all the reasons I got mad. Oh, I can't get mad now I'm here. Melting and feeling again. Letting everything disappear. A strange atmosphere for all the people out here. Walking by, they can't find peace. I know the world's nothing without a sense of release. Relieved I feel with your hands in mine, when we're sinking away in time. And all, I long for are those cold bathroom tiles. And all I want to feel, Is that you're here with me. So don't let go and hold on like you never did before. So don't let go and my bathroom tiles are yours. **** I cut out some bits and put some stuff in. I rewrote everything into something that sounds better to me. Advice or opinions please.