It has been a while since I last posted something this long in Writer's Cove and I may just add some verses in various places, because I don't really feel that this is finished. I know this isn't very polished, I'd be grateful for your comments. ---------------------------------------------- Blink I blink at you, because I don’t understand what you’re saying to me Are you trying to convey your feelings to me? Or do you want me to back away from you If you’d just tell me what I did, I may just attempt to remedy it You’re silent and impassive now, my question is that of an idiot And I don’t like the look on your face, it’s much too victorious You want to prove to me that I didn’t know what I was getting into And you throw my words back at me as though I had thrown them at you When I whispered them between brief intervals You’re not shouting at me yet, but I know it’s not going to be long Before you either lose your temper or suddenly burst into song Because I’m not backing away from you quick enough And I don’t want to cry, but the tears sting my eyes And the words sting my lips, but I won’t let them out Because I don’t want to die, and it’s certain to hurt If I raise my voice above yours Your voice is quiet now, and not quite yet dangerous When you threaten me with things not half ominous For my not quite ready mind to comprehend I don’t think you’re warning me, and I blink my tears away Because I want to understand before I break and beg you to stay And for once my eyelids listen and shut tight to stop the flow Thanks to some deity, you don’t notice my poorly hid tears Or you see them in my eyes, but choose not to play on my fears Maybe you think I am not worth it Your words always sting when you choose to use them coldly And your hand always hurts when you choose to use it cruelly I don’t understand why I’ve not learnt to back away And I don’t want to cry, but the tears sting my eyes And the words sting my lips, but I won’t let them out Because I don’t want to die, and it’s certain to hurt If I raise my voice above yours You won’t cut to the chase and tell me straight out You prefer if your meanings have something to float around And I’m left trying to keep up You beat on me with words, actions and feelings I’m trying to believe that you’re not really serious Your expression almost proves me wrong I know who you are and I know who you used to be And I know that under circumstances you let him rampage freely Because you’re tired of keeping control And I know that you’re a hero, and you hurt me with your words But the feelings that cut so deeply, I’m not sure that I deserve As your cig reaches the oilcan, and the shit finally hits the fan You can’t tell me I’m not reckless, I can’t say you’re not a man You can’t tell me that I’m spineless, as your body hits the floor I can’t tell you I’m not leaving, as I reach to open the door You open your eyes and the memories come back Of times not yet past and my foundations crack I remember everything you hid I don’t have bruises on my arms, my scratches are all healed And as your brown eyes reflect the heat, your feelings are revealed You’re sorry and you will not move I push at you and pull you with me, but you don’t want to leave You whisper at me, you’re not worthy, but I don’t want to have to grieve For someone I shared love with And in this moment all the pain is pushed to the front of my mind But I don’t care, and I won’t try to until I have located a way to bind You to me I don’t want to leave you and I don’t want to jump But you’re yelling at me now, and there is a lump At the back of my throat I won’t survive if I stay here with you, and you won’t survive if you choose to remain And I won’t but I will remember you forever, because everything I have started to regain Will be strengthened by your memory As words stream through my mind like fireworks, erupting at the top You close your eyes and kiss my lips and let your body drop To the floor I don’t think that I am pushy I don’t think that I am clingy I don’t think that I’m not ready I don’t know that I am ready I don’t think that you will hurt me I don’t think that you’ll desert me I don’t think that you will hit me I don’t know that you won’t hit me I don’t think I remember correctly I don’t think you’ve messed with my memories I don’t think they don’t believe me I don’t know that they believe me I throw the end of the rope out of the window, and I turn around and see A picture on my dresser and a different side of me That is still here And as I land untouched on the heated earth, I hear the sirens And fury swells up in my chest, suddenly there is more sound to the silence Other than the crackling of the flames I’m not bothered with the firemen, they won’t see me as I pass I have put on your black jacket, and as I tread barefoot down the path I take my picture out from the pocket And I don’t want to cry, but the tears sting my eyes And the words sting my lips, but I won’t let them out Because I don’t want to die, and it’s certain to hurt If I raise my voice above yours And I wanted to leave, and you wanted me to Live for you and for me, and the newborn life too Because I won’t be alone, I’ll have friends and I’ll have love I’ll have both happy and sad
I really, really like this. I love how your so simplisticm without being....stupid ounding or whatever. I could imagine this being sung as I read it. I guess it isn't that polished but it's an amazing demo-ish thing. I really, reaally like the last two paras. There are a few paras here and there where the lines gotta be changed a little because it seems like a little glitch in an amazing smooth song, but othere than that I'd give it a 7.45 out of 9
Thank yees both <3 Meghna, could you please tell me which parts you felt should be changed, and I can get to work on them? It's unpolished because I was suddenly "inspired by several different things that completely blitzed the original idea" and I wasn't sure how to smooth it over, to be honest I didn't really feel it was needed.
Para 1- perfect. Loved the woay it was worded. Para 2 - maybe it's just me, but somehow, I just dont see it smooth. If you say it, then...I don't know. Maybe it is just me...just consider the second line.... Para 3- Beautiful. <3 Para 4- :No problems there, fits in perfectly. Para 5- Para 6- The word "ominous" bothers me. Then again, it still could be just meh. Para 7, 8 and 9- Heart. Special mention to 9, love the way it's put. Para 10- repeat. (duh) Para 11- 14- This, I feel, is the most honest part of the song. Para 15- Again, I feel the first segment of the line (As your cig...) somewhat crossing the perfect metre your poem has achieved. Para 16- 22- Somehow, it seems to have gotten a little emo. But not overboard, mind you, I think it's just fine. Pretty good, in fact. Para 23- 26- The pushy, clingy thingy (bad joke, *wince*) seems a little outta place. But otherwise, , again. Para 27- 30- Possibly the best witten lines in the whole poem. Beautiful, and they narrate more content in a very pretty way, for lack of a better word. Para- 32- Correction. This is the best stanza. Most. Beautiful. Ending. Ever.
A really good piece of work, well done as poem's as long as that are often hard to keep the reader's interest, but that one did.
Hm, thanks for the cookie, and the advice, but I'm so goddamn lazy right now I'll settle for just tinkering with the poem and editing it a bit later. Thanks a lot for the comments, and the advice, they were really appreciated. *jellybeans to everyone*
...it's not long...it's veeery long...but me liked it ... (I'm not just saying I like it 'cause I want a jellybean...I mean...I DO want one....but the poem really is damn good )
I didn't read it when I first saw it, but now when I actually took time read it, I think it's very very good