Got Something You Want To Let Out?

I get that too. My life, my choices.

I just realized what I'm up against at work. 50+ people have applied for the position, and some of them have been temp team leads already. Never has the phrase, "A snowball's chance in hell" been more appropriate. This really crushes me. I'm probably qualified enough to get an interview, but I won't get the job. Ach.

 

I'm really fucking pissed off at a few of my friends right now. Today at lunchbreak we went to where we normally go to eat our lunch and hang out outside of school which is a little area next to a bus stop when some shady looking guys came and sat near us. At first I didn't think anything of it because you see shady looking people everywhere, they seemed as if they were looking to get a bus but after the only bus that serves that stop had stopped and gone pass without them lot getting on it I knew that they were gonna try and jack us so me and my friends Zak,James and Michael told the rest that we should leave just to be on the safe side but no they didn't want to go because they were too busy eating their fucking lunches...

Me, Zak, James and Michael leave the rest to go to the shop which is down the road but we were also going to see if they were gonna try anything on the others and behold we see the others getting jacked by them...we go back up there and tell the shady guys to back off and pretty soon about 50 people were backing us up including a few teachers then afterwards my friends David, Shahzan and Charlie start bitching at us lot because we left them when we only left to see if they were gonna do anything and to get help but no they're completly fixated on thinking we just wussed out and ran for it...That wasn't the case at all...


I'm also pissed off about these rumours that have been going around about how I'm supposedly going out with Sarah again...dear god...have people not learnt that we're just good friends now? How many times will I have to fucking remind people that yeah we're quite close but we're not gonna go out again...I'm just having a good friendship with her before she moves to Canada, why do people have to be so quick to jump to conclusions?

 

People and immediate conclusions are never good things.

--

I loathe how my self-confidence enters the negative levels.

 

I wish that I kept trying to tell my friend to hang out with us
one night but she went with a bad croud
and that group murdered one of my friends
also she was their but didn't do it or anything
I wish that I just kept trying til she came with us

 

My Life in a Nut's Shell.

Damn it, one of my good friends here at college is flunking out. Which is funny becuase he happens to be one of the smartest people I have ever met in my life.

The problem is, he and I are FAR too similar for me to even think about. The more I think about it, the more hopeless I get. He is only two years older than me, and is a Bitter Old Slacker...that is what I am too. We're both sweet and mean and smart, funny, energenic, have low self esteem, yet know the rest of the world sucks more than we do. It isn't really Conceited if you don't like yourself to begin with.

I hate to see a good mind put to waste. If I could, I'd steal his brain. This is proof that smarts doesn't have anything to do with grades, it's how much work you put into it. No studying in classes you've never learned about before means no grade. And bad teachers have something to do with it too.

He and I completely refuse to take orders too. We feel as if we should push down the conformity and not take part. It's rather silly, I know, but still. I hate being conformed and forced into one group or another. I'm me and I stick by that! Sometimes I'm a bitch, I'm a sweetheart, I care, I'm an attention whore, I try to get what I want, I'm manipulative, but I give people reasons to come back. Occasionally i'm even a slut. I don't care, i'm just me! I'm not a horrible person. I just can open my eyes and see what I actually am! I mean, how can that be a freaking bad thing!?

But then again, what use is knowing what you are if the world tries to put you in groups, put lables on you? Tell you something is bad, something is good, something is beutiful, something is ugly, something is right, something is wrong, I'm everything dammit! If there is only one thing I learned in college is that there are two sides to EVERYTHING. Even if you're on the same team or in the same dept.

I know, "oh you're supposed to get a college degree. That is the only way you'll have any fire power against the conformity, so You won't be stuck in a blue collar job your whole life with no revenue."
I'm on the verge of not caring! I'm about to give up! I mean, my freind is just about there. He gets taken care of as it is. All of his friends are successful. Not that you can live off of your friends forever, but still. At least it's something. And the sad thing is, I know I could be jsut like him! That is what is so scary. He is like me in two years! I've done so much in my life so far, i'm going to be doing even more this summer. I'll be like jaded. I've cared, I've loved, I've done...now I'm done. Why do people have to live so long anyway? My life is going to not be my own once i get a partner and have kids. I know this. But why do I have to? I dont! THat is the thing. But if you don't have kids, there is no use to live past your youth. You've been there, done that, had this, been used, abused, taken advantage of.

I have been heroic, been a coward, been bad, been good, been sweet, been a bitch, used, been used. Just about anything you can think of. I've experimented and I've explored. My life has been full of all of these things, and I can't think of anything I want to do anymore. I'm traveling the country this summer (most likely) so I'll have seen everything (well, nowhere near everything, but quite a bit), I'll have done a lot. I won't know everything, but I'll konw a lot.

What is the point of wasting all of your time in school if you have no plans? you dont know what you want to do. I should just devote myself completely to conserving tigers, but then again, as my friend keeps telling me, there will be no tigers in 50 years. He almost says this in jest, but I know it's true! That is what is so horrible. My grandkids might not even fucking know what a tiger is!!!! Two different tiger species have already gone extinct and two more are so close that there are less than 200 left in the wild! something liek 65% of tigers live in captivity. It is sick. How can my life be worth that if it won't help them survive.

Giving up is not the best thing to do, I konw...but I mean, I want to say, "what else is there?" I tell my self that I can't, but I get closer and closer to believing there isn't anything. My friend even commented on his last blog that "giving up is the best part of the day." He's said it before and he'll say it again, and truth rings in it. There are too many people now. Too many to do anything with.

Grr...I'm sorry for this. This is so long I'm not sure anyone will actually read it, but I'm just babbling on. I'm kind of at a point where I'm not sure I really care anymore. That's no good, and It's not like I'm actually going to go out and kill myself, but I still think that, ...why should I care? Then I think of everyone that loves me and needs me around. I don't think people actually need me around, but they should learn. I have some damned good advice for taking life by the horns. That is my problem, I feel like I've been alive for 90years even though it's only been 19. How can that be? Why do I feel sooooo old?!

When I was three fucking years old, THREE, I taught my own mother how to deal with her husband. I was the one who taught her to be strong and I have saved her life twice physically and I have mentally aswell. The only reason my mother and little brother are alive right now is becuase I showed her how to be strong and I ended up being the one to give her life. I don't konw anyone who has had the same experiences as me. Maybe I'm just bored. I don't know. I don't even know what I can do. I go out and put myself in "bad" situations just to see what it's like. Maybe I'm self destructive, I don't know. I don't hurt myself on purpose, I don't cut, I'm not a drug addict.

There I go again, I just had a thought and needed to let it out. Thank you to the LPA where I can let it out, and maybe someone will actually read it.

All the best,
Holiday

 

I have no idea what to say to that, but all the best to you. You make people think, Holiday. You're a good person, highs, lows and all.

Don't give up isn't very inspiring now. Muchlove.

 

Holiday.... Save the Tigers! Sorry. Mucho de-luv-o.

---

Holy shit. My life is a wreck financially. I'm even working 55 hours this week, and it's sadly not near enough. I have $1,100 on a credit card. Most of it's from this piece of shit car. $600 of the down payment is on the card, $250 from the alternator and the battery needing replacements, and now the fucking exhaust! I have this trip to Texas for my best friends graduation from boot camp, that will be at least $500 for flight, hotel, car rental. If I missed it, he would hate me.

You know what I love about myself, though? A new part of me that has surfaced in the last year. Drive. Animal like determination. As I said, I'm working 55 hours this week. I feel like I could be working more. Hell, I'm still taking two nights off this week. Since I have no chance of getting this promotion at work, I'll just have to settle in and do some heavy extra hours from now on.

You know what the worst thing is? Fabio is on my television. Lief sux.

 

I need to apply for a job. Ofcourse I wanna work after my schoolyear, but I'm sort of..afraid. For the people -.-
I'm such a pussy.

 

Yes, I think I shall go move to Asia and spend 120hours/week in the jungle sabotaging hunting and exploration groups.

You know NOTHING!!!!

---
And I'm sorry to hear that. Do you save money, or do you spend it all?
I'm a stingy bastard or I'd have no money.

 

I wanna come.

I don't spend money. But lately, I've had to to keep this car running. It shouldn't do this, it's a 2000, not a 1988.

 

Aliright you can cum. er..you can come and help me save the tigers!

*plots evil plan*

haha, my truck is an '84 and doesn't have that many problems. *points and laughs*

Sorry, that was mean.

You should ride a bicycle! It would solve everything but time.

But hey, if we live in the jungle with the tigers, then you won't even need a car!

---------------
Damn it. My best friend is about to have a breakdown. *big sigh*

The world sucks. lol

Stupid people are mean because they don't understand, and they don't want to feel left out.

Smart people are mean becuase they know how much other people suck.

 

Oh my gosh you are right. But I'm bringing a scooter.

 

I miss you.

 

Why won't people stop fucking sucking up?

 

Why the fuck is she with us in jazz band? Apparently she wants to join next year. If she joins, I'm fucking leaving jazz band. She's not one of us 'band geeks' and she shouldn't even bother trying to be, she never will be. Fucking hell.

 

Tomi, that sounds like some teen movie or something. The head cheerleader wants to be 'deep', so she joins band. They hate her at first, but she somehow gains their respect, blah blah.

Don't know why I felt the need to point that out.

 

'cept in this movie, she had our respect, then lost it.

 

you're the sexiest pussy alive.
afraid of what? what people?

 

*ahem* Pooky? xD

---
Gaahhh, I wish she'd come back already. I'm going fucking insane!
[edit] w00t! She's back!! xD

 

It feels like quite a few people are getting annoyed with me. I really don't understand. Maybe I'm being a little inconsiderate and a bit mean with my biting humor, but this is nothing different than I have been thinking. It shows I can't voice my opinions.

Damn, but other people seem to be even more attached or wanting me around more. This is quite perplexing.

But I suppose that is what you get with differing opinions.